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I realize now, more than ever most likely, that I can never say what I really want to anyone. It's not that they won't understand, which is so often the case. It's the end struggle to understand it, and the end result that is the toughest thing to bear.
I guess I've accepted something. With this burden-thing that's decided to latch itself onto me, now it's basically a part of what my lot in life is. I'll always strive towards some goal, and in that process, the things that I hate begin to appear.
When I go through crowds, for example in school, I always say happily (and maybe another emotion too), "There's too many people!" Possibly referring to the people in those crowds, with their own personal concerns. But, maybe if I think about it more, maybe I find the real reason. Some stupid psychological one.
Too many people around me, too many possibilities that can happen, too many friends I can inadvertently or directly hurt. Maybe not physically or anything else, but mentally. Emotionally. Too many people that, with my actions or not, are called to me. And then find themselves hurt, because of something stupid, idiotic.
They say it's their fault, and I say it's not. Because it isn't. I say it's my fault, and they say it's not. Sometimes I disagree, and sometimes I don't. It is because I know I'm the cause, despite what they say. And it's also not that. Neither of us are the ones to blame. It's part of life, of Fate. We can't change it.
But life can't stop us from feeling these things.
 lFenrir · Tue Mar 22, 2011 @ 12:37am · 0 Comments |
