QUOTES
Duct tape is a lot like the Force. It has a Dark Side, it has a Light Side, and it binds the galaxy together...
Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
I don't exaggerate, I just remember bigger than most people.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
I haven't lost my mind, I have a backup disk somewhere.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
If Pro is the opposite of Con, then is Congress the opposite of Progress?
It is when we forget ourselves that we do things that are most likely to be remembered.
Life is just another sexually transmitted disease.
The more people I meet, the more I like my cat.
The more you know, the more you know you ought to know.
Practice makes perfect, so be careful what you practice.
Save time... See things my way.
Some people get lost in thought because it's such unfamiliar territory.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell.
When adults act like children, they are called silly. When children act like adults, they are called delinquent.
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. -Albert Einstein
I am what I am and that's all that I am and if I'm supposed to be somebody else, why do I look like me? -Ben Franklin
Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up. -Robert Frost
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. -Fletcher Knebel
Never put off until tomorrow what can be done the day after tomorrow. -Mark Twain
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before. -Stephen Wright
If you think you can, you can. And if you think you can't, you're right. -Henry Ford
AWAY MESSAGES
I'm lost. I've gone to look for myself, so if I get back before I return, please ask me to wait.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
I left. I don't know where I am. Do you know where I am? Do you know where you are? Are you lost? Did you find you? I found you. You're there at your computer. But I'm not here. So then I guess I'm over there somewhere.
Have you ever noticed anyone going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
You don't have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
Which statement is correct?
Since history never stops, when does the future begin?
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women then motorcycle gangs.
Imagine a world without hypothetical situations.
Think of someone of "average" intelligence. Then think half the world is dumber than that.
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
The early bird may get the worm, but the late rising worm lives.
I am not here so leave a message. Well actually I could be here and I could just be ignoring you and you would never know. I could be sitting here laughing at you because I am avoiding you and you don't know it. Ok, I'll make a deal with you. If you can guess correctly whether or not I'm here I will talk to you. Then again, if I'm not here and you guess right then I'm really just not here to talk to you. Also, if I'm ignoring you and you guess right then what do you really think are the chances that I'll tell you that you were right? So, I guess what I'm saying is leave a message and I'll get back to you when I get back...unless I'm avoiding you.
Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"
A bird can fly, but a fly can't bird. Think about it!
Did you know that it is anatomically impossible to lick your elbow... and 75% of the people who hear that actually try to lick their elbow?
The glass is neither half empty nor half full. It is twice as large as it needs to be.
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Busy planning to be spontaneous.
Hey? Didn't you IM me the day after yesterday?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? (I AM NOT PROMOTING ANIMAL CRUELTY)
Practice makes perfect but no one is perfect so why practice?
When people say "Expect the unexpected," doesn't that mean the unexpected is expected?
Isn't it scary to know what doctors do for a living is called "practice"?
I'm telling the truth, everything I say is a lie.
What's another word for thesaurus?
If you ask someone if they're a compulsive liar and they answer yes, should you believe them?
If quitters never win and winners never quit who came up with "Quit while your ahead"?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Why is it that when something is sent in a car, it's called a shipment, yet when it's sent in a ship, it's called cargo?
If a person with schizophrenia threatens suicide, is that a hostage situation?
Why do people ask if they can "borrow" a piece of paper? Do they really plan on returning it...
If a pizza is round then why do they make the box square?
Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelms. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
To a normal man, the crazy man is insane. To the crazy man, the normal person is insane.
If repetition is the key to learning, and repetition is a sign of stupidity, does that make learning stupid?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are a billion stars in the universe, you will believe him, but if someone tells you a wall has wet paint on it you will have to touch it to be sure?
If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go on forever?
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
If something is described as undescribable, isn't that describable.
Before you criticize soemone, you should walk a milk in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.
Hello, you have reached the automated answering service for YOUR SCREEN NAME , your message will be answered to in the order in which it was recieved, your message is number 8,243, please hold, your message is important to me.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
It is better to be silent and thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Hello. You have reached YOUR SCREEN NAME. If you wish to talk to me, IM me several hundred times until you get a response.
Support bacteria - it's the only culture some people have!
Hey, just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I
Please leave a message at the beep, if you don't hear the beep please leave.
I'm not paranoid... but I know that you think I am.
I am not currently available right now. However, if you would like to be transferred to another correspondent, please press the number that best fits your personality: -If you are obsessive compulsive, please press "1" repeatedly. -If you are codependant, please ask someone to press "2". -If you have multiple personalities, please press "3", "4", and "5". -If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace your call. -If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the little voice will tell you which number to press. -If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter what number you press, no one will answer.
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other, and when I am alone I am together.
You have just recieved the Amish Computer Virus. Since the Amish don't have computers, it is based on the honor system. So please delete all the files from your computer. Thank you for you cooperation.
I'm not here right now but if you scream really loud into your monitor I might be able to hear you!
Help!Ican'tfindthespacebar
I'm not available right now so please leave your name, number, and address and I will stalk you later.
Sorry, I'm not here right now. Feel free to talk to the computer as long as you like. I'll get back to you later.
Girls are like phones, they liked to be held, and talked to but if you push the wrong button you will get disconnected.
Boys are like lava lamps, fun to watch but not too bright.
The village called, they want their idiot back.
Blasting the music to see if I can wake the neighbors up, if I don't come back soon, they probably called the cops on me.
What? I can't hear you, my headphones are on so you have to type louder.
