You never said a word with tangled hands dry,
And I see through rose-colored eyes.
And I see through rose-colored eyes.
- It's been a hell of a long time since I've typed here.
A lot has happened in the past few years or months or however long I've typed here on Gaia.
I wasn't sure if I should type here or write in a journal.
I want to write, but I also want to type because it's much more faster than writing. Typing takes a few hours depending on how much I want to type, so I'm sure that writing would take so much more longer. It doesn't matter however.
--
Not sure where to start from here since I've missed out on typing journals. Of course I was able to write from time to time, although it was still difficult to write every single day. Really wish I could write every single day.
Now that I have a laptop and not that damned dinosaur computer, it is more easier to type journals out. But, Chandler's mother had bought me a notebook.
It's a beautiful one too. The spine is a spiral. The cover is made out of hard material like the ones for hard cover books, maybe even better. The design for the cover is a beautiful, giant butterfly in shades of blue, black, and brown. I'm not sure what other colors there are on it, but it is beautiful.
--
I sit here now at two in the morning with my boyfriend watching AnchorMan.
I'm not exactly watching it and neither is he.
He's probably surfing the net right now or playing League of Legends or the game he downloaded last night; he is also on Vent with his friends.
My boyfriend, Chandler, not John.
John and I had broken up. It was a tragic relationship, but I had learned a lot and gained a lot too.
I gained more faith in myself, in the world, hope within myself and others. There are more, but I can't think. I just know I've gained a lot. I guess learning is the same as gaining, but whatever.
I learned to not lie. Ever. I learned more about feelings, about people, facts about life. I gained more wisdom and general knowledge.
I still consider John to be my very best friend.
He's the one that rescued me, and he was the one who taught me to find myself. To never give up.
I had done something wrong and he was the one to have his heart crushed into pieces whereas, I was the one unaffected.
When I would listen Raise your weapon by Deadmau5 I would think of John.
I think about how I shot his heart, ripped it into shreds with no care when I should have. I don't know why I didn't. He had a delicate heart and also had a fragile nature.
He was the one who cared about me most. More than anyone in the world. He loved me like no other. Loved me and only me. Only had eyes for me. Was always faithful.
We had a lot in common too. It was so weird.
It seemed as if we were perfect for each other.
It didn't work out in the end.
I know it was my fault. He told me to never blame or point fingers. But I know that this is my fault and my doing.
People would take my side, or they would take his, maybe neither.
I am just happy we aren't together. We've known each other for such a long time and got along really well with no problem, till we started dating.
The problems were minor, then they became serious towards the end.
I'm glad I had ended it, even though how I ended it was most horrific, cold and heartless.
Honestly, I could say that I deserve nobody after doing that.
Forcing him to break up with me.
Doing things behind his back.
Even if it had benefited me in the end, I think it should also benefit him as well.
He was one to never lie. He told me that he'd love me forever and couldn't get over me.
I'm not sure how he is doing now with that. Just a month or two ago he said he hated me as a person and doesn't love me anymore.
It might have been how he was feeling at the time or it might have been true.
I really hope it was true. Why?
I want him to get over me. I want him to find true love with somebody else who deserves his love. I know he will with the kind of personality he has.
I just wonder if he's getting better at getting over me.
Any who.
Chandler had a lot to go through, even cried, to be with me. I am happy with him.
His challenge was my friend, Miguel.
I knew him as Meow. I thought he was really cute and awesome.
I met him because he had commented on my youtube video for jigglypuff.
Then I viewed his youtube channel and happened to find out that he had an allisbrawl.
Eventually, I added him or said hi. I don't know which.
Then I had added him on Myspace. We didn't really talk. But he was still there.
I listened to the music he had created.
The Elmo in the Membrane and Hello Kitty one were my favorites.
When I deleted my Myspace. I happened to see him on Facebook. It was probably MSN's doing. If it wasn't for that, we wouldn't have gotten to know each other.
He was amazing, he was funny, he was sensitive, and he cared a lot about me. Never felt the way he felt when we talked. I developed feelings for him.
I had feelings for him and Chandler.
Now that became a huge conflict.
I'll type more tomorrow. I'm hella tired.
Tell me I'm the only chance constantly hanging from the sky.
Pursuing design both far and wide.
Pursuing design both far and wide.
