Narrator 1:
Once upon a time, long long ago-
Narrator 2:
It wasn’t that long!
Narrator 1:
Fine! Once upon a time, a few years ago… Happy now?
Narrator 2:
Very! But keep going.
Narrator 1:
(directed to the audience) See what I deal with?
Narrator 2:
[shoves Narrator 1] And this is what I deal with! [gestures to Narrator 1]
Narrator 1:
Point taken. Anyways, back a few years ago-
Narrator 2:
There was a young girl-
Narrator 1:
[steps in front of Narrator 2] With pale skin that looked like-
Narrator 2:
[jumps excitedly in front of Narrator 1] SNOW! And she was so beautiful-
Narrator 1:
[pushes Narrator 2 away] That her evil stepmother, the queen, out of jealousy-
Narrator 2:
[gets in front of Narrator 1 finally] Locked her up in a high, high tower!
*SONG 1*
{CURTAINS OPEN TO REVEAL SNOW WHITE SITTING, LOOKING AT A BIRD, SHE LOOKS VERY SAD AND LONELY.}
Snow White:
(singing to the birds) You’re so lucky little bird. You can fly away any time you want. Unlike me. I’m stuck in this nasty old tower. Grounded for life. (Birds fly off and Snow White shouts after him) Lucky! Why does that ugly old queen hate me so much? [sighs and continues to pout.]
{QUICK SCENE CHANGE TO VIEW THE QUEEN}
Evil Queen:
This time for sure! I must be more beautiful than that little servant girl. [looks at mirror and begins to tap on the glass] Mirror, wake up! Wakey wakey! Come on! Oh look, a lady mirror!
Magic Mirror:
[begins waking up, suddenly becomes startled hearing the glass tapped on] Hey! Hey! Hey! Don’t you know that tapping on the glass only scares me away and hurts my ears?
Evil Queen:
(matter-of-factly)That only works with fish.
Magic Mirror:
(as if pointing out an obvious fact) How do you know? Have you ever lived behind glass?
Evil Queen:
[shakes head sadly] That’s beside the point. Now, answer me. Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?
Magic Mirror:
(as if very mad at the Queen) How should I know? Everything I say is either beside the point or just plain wrong.
Evil Queen:
(angrily) Mirror! [lifts a heavy object up] Don’t make me break you!
Magic Mirror:
Whoa! You crazy lady! Put that thing down. You know as well as I do that I’m no use dead!
Evil Queen:
(laughing) Sure you are! You’ll make a marvelous mosaic.
Magic Mirror:
(terrified) Aaaaaaah! It’s her, still! Snow White is still prettier than you! (begins to relax and becomes very rude) Always will be. Face it, you are number 2.
Evil Queen:
[begins to throw a fit] I have to do something! I must be the most beautiful! I won’t take second place!
Magic Mirror:
Well, that’s only going to happen when she dies. And come on, that’s not coming around any time soon.
Evil Queen:
[gives the mirror a very creepy look] Well, I guess I’ll just have to make it happen sooner. [calls offstage] Oh, Hunter!
Hunter:
[walks on stage, grumbling to himself] Yes, Your Highness. How may I help Your Highness?
Evil Queen:
Do you know what I want?
Hunter:
How can I, Your Highness? Your Highness hasn’t told me.
Evil Queen:
[picks up box] I want you to take this box, lead Snow White into the forest, take your hunting knife, and cut her heart from her chest.
Hunter:
How, Your Highness? I could never kill her! Besides, isn’t she your stepdaughter? How could you come to killing her?
Evil Queen:
Kill her, or you’ll be banished.
Magic Mirror:
(laughing) And she’s not joking. She almost broke me a few minutes ago!
Hunter:
[nods slowly] Alright, Your Highness. It shall be done as Your Highness commands. [takes the box and leaves]
Evil Queen:
Finally! Just you wait mirror! Soon, you’ll say I am the most beautiful!
Magic Mirror:
Whatever you say, Queen of the Insane.
{CURTAINS CLOSE, NARRATORS COME ON STAGE}
Narrator 1:
So the hunter went to the tower and led Snow White to the forest.
Narrator 2:
The young girl was relieved to be free from her prison.
Narrator 1:
[looks as Narrator 2] Much how like I want to be free from you.
Narrator 2:
Then go lock yourself in a tower.
Narrator 1:
Better idea! I lock you up there! [Narrators wrestle each other off stage]
{CURTAINS OPEN TO SCENE OF THE FOREST WITH SNOW WHITE AND HUNTER}
Snow White:
Oh thank you, thank you, thank you for getting me out of that prison. [spins around, taking in the scenery] It’s just so nice out here!
Hunter:
(a bit nervously) Oh, don’t thank me. I’m just following orders. [pulls knife out of his pocket]
Snow White:
Who’s orders? Why would anyone tell you to bring me out here? [turns around and sees knife] Wait. Is that a knife?
Hunter:
I’m sorry, but the Queen ordered it. She said that I must cut out your heart or I will be banished from the kingdom.
Snow White:
(bravely) Then kill me. My life wasn’t much locked up in that tower, anyways. You live your life well and take mine instead.
Hunter:
[pauses to think then throws knife to the ground] I can’t do it. Run! Run far away! I’ll find a way to convince her that you’re dead… That I killed you.
Snow White:
Are you sure? But what if-?
Hunter:
Just go! [runs off stage in opposite direction of Snow White]
Snow White:
Well, alright then. [walks through forest]
*SONG 2*
Snow White:
[sees a cottage] What a nice little home… I wonder who exactly lives here. [knocks on the door] Hello? [knocks again] Is anybody home? [waits but there is no response] Well… maybe just a peek… [opens the door] Wow! It’s so messy in here! That is never good. Since I trespassed, I feel like I should clean this place up in return. (to animals gathering near her) Do you think we should clean this up?
Animals:
[cheer and shout answers like ‘yes’ ’lets do it’ ‘we can do it’ ‘of course’]
Snow White:
Alrightey, then! Let’s get to it! [begins to clean]
*SONG 3*
Snow White:
We’re finally done! I’m so relieved.
Animal 1:
They’re going to be home soon.
Animal 2:
They might not want you here.
Animal 3:
Why not? She cleaned their house.
Animal 1:
But she didn’t ask for permission.
Animal 2:
And she was trespassing.
Animal 3:
But she was being nice!
Animals 1 & 2:
That doesn’t mean it’s not illegal.
Animal 3:
So you think they’ll be mean to her? That’s just not like them.
Animals:
Of course!
Snow White:
Excuse me, but who are we talking about here?
Animal 4:
The owners of this house.
Animal 5:
The short men.
Animal 6:
They are rather short, aren’t they?
Animal 4:
You mean you didn’t notice before?
Animal 5:
They aren’t even normal person height! How do you miss that?
Animal 6:
Well, I don’t know. They were just people to me.
Animals:
We try not to classify people.
Snow White:
So short people that own this house. I get that but who are they?
Animal 1:
Oh no!
Animal 2:
Here they come!
Animal 4:
We have to get out of here!
Animal 5:
I don’t want to get in trouble.
Animals:
None of us do!
Animals 3 & 6:
Don’t worry, they aren’t so bad. Everyone just overreacts.
[seven dwarves walk on stage]
*SONG 4*
Happy:
Hi Ho! What’s this?
Doc:
I think someone is in our house!
Grumpy:
What?! Why I ought to-
Sleepy:
I just hope they didn’t sleep in my bed.
Sneezy:
There is lots of dust in there. Maybe they- ACHOO!
Bashful:
I w-want our home b-back. B-but what if they’re m-mean?
Dopey:
[opens mouth to talk but no sound comes out]
All Dwarves(except Dopey):
Dopey, you can’t talk!
Dopey:
[pouts sullenly]
Grumpy:
[storms up to the door] Hey you! Get out of our house!
Snow White:
[comes out of house] Oh dear… It looks like they are rather mean after all.
Doc:
I’m sorry, miss. But that’s our house and we sort of need to get in.
Snow White:
Well, maybe not all of them.
Bashful:
Y-you have to leave!
Snow White:
(to self) I take it back. (to dwarves) I’m so sorry. But please, won’t you let me stay? I have nowhere else to go! I’ll do the cooking. I’ll do the cleaning. I’ll do anything that will convince you to let me stay.
Happy:
Sure! Welcome to the family!
Other Dwarves(except Dopey):
What?!
Happy:
What? You’re all awful cooks.
Snow White:
[shakes Happy’s hand] Thank you! You won’t be disappointed or regret this. Um… by the way, who are you guys?
Grumpy:
Don’t you think you should have asked that before invading our home, airhead?
*SONG 5 (song 4 reprise)*
Snow White:
Wait. I didn’t get that at all.
Doc:
Well, I’m Doc. [bows]
Happy:
I’m Happy! Pleased to meetcha! [shakes Snow White’s hand]
Bashful:
I’m B-b-bashful… [hides behind hat]
Sleepy:
[gets on the floor and starts to go to sleep] Sleepy…
Grumpy:
Grumpy. [crosses arms]
Sneezy:
I’m- ACHOO!- Sneezy
Dopey:
[opens mouth]
All Dwarves(except Dopey):
He’s Dopey.
Snow White:
Oh! Well it is very nice to meet all of you.
Grumpy:
Shouldn’t you introduce yourself, airhead?
Doc:
Don’t be mean to our newest friend, Grumpy.
Sneezy:
Yeah! It’s not her- ACHOO!- fault.
Dopey:
[walks up to Grumpy and waves a finger in his face in a ‘tsk tsk’ motion]
Snow White:
(calmly) No, he’s right. I’m Snow White.
Sleepy:
Pretty name.
Snow White:
Thanks?
Bashful:
C-come on in. [tried to enter house but Snow White is in the way]
Snow White:
I already am…
Happy:
Well, then you should invite us in!
Snow White:
Come in, please?
[dwarves enter the house and Snow White shuts the door behind them]
Doc:
So, miss, where did you live before being with us?
Snow White:
In a- [stops and thinks] You know, just far away.
Grumpy:
See that? She doesn’t trust us. So why should we let her stay here, again?
Bashful:
E-everyone has secrets.
Dopey:
[begins to mime being the other dwarves]
Grumpy:
Well, I don’t know if I like that very much.
Sleepy:
Chill. You just need to take a step back and [yawns] relax.
Snow White:
Please? I don’t mean any harm.
Sneezy:
You cleaned and now there’s less- ACHOO!- dust. I’m fine with anything else.
Happy:
So you’ve finished part one and now on to part two. Dinner!
Snow White:
O-of course. Any requests?
Doc:
Anything that you like.
Grumpy:
Beef. Lots of beef.
Snow White:
Beef stew it is. [heads for pot on the fireplace]
Sleepy:
She’s nice. I like her.
Sneezy:
Me- ACHOO!- too.
Bashful:
Yeah. C-can we keep her?
Doc:
Well, this is a democracy. I say we vote.
Happy:
All for? [all but Grumpy raise their hands] All against? [only Grumpy raises his hand]
Grumpy:
Hey! [turns to Dopey] I thought you were going to vote with me!
Dopey:
[starts running around while being chased by Grumpy]
Happy:
So the “for”s have it!
Sneezy:
Yay! She stays!
Bashful:
Should we tell her?
Doc:
Well she already knows that she can stay for a while, but now its permanent. I say we stay quiet and just never kick her out.
Snow White:
The stew is done! Come and get it!
[dwarves run over with bowls and spoons while Snow White serves from the pot]
Sleepy:
Yummmmmm…
Sneezy:
I love it!
Happy:
You’re a fantastic cook, my dear!
Snow White:
Why thank you! I’ve worked hard in kitchens of a tower my whole life. My stepmother was too lazy to cook anything herself.
Doc:
Your misfortune works in our favor. What do you think, Grumpy? You requested this after all.
Grumpy:
Needs more salt…
Dopey:
[signals that Grumpy is wrong and gives a big thumbs up]
Bashful:
I-ignore them. T-they’re just rude.
Snow White:
Okay then. I’m glad most of you like it at least.
Happy:
Why wouldn’t we?
Snow White:
Not a clue. [collects bowls and begins to clean]
Sleepy:
Snow White?
Snow White:
Yes, Sleepy?
Sleepy:
Will you read us a bed time story?
Snow White:
Of course. [goes and finds a book]
[dwarves get ready for bed as Snow White begins to read]
{CLOSE CURTAINS FOR NARRATORS}
Narrator 1:
So they sort of fell into a pattern.
Narrator 2:
Within a few days, they were great friends!
Narrator 1:
Snow White was like the mother that the seven dwarves never had.
Narrator 2:
She was sweet.
Narrator 1:
Caring.
Narrator 2:
Smart.
Narrator 1:
Clean.
Narrator 2:
And most of all, she could cook.
Narrator 1:
Which reminds me, that story made me hungry. Want to go get a burger? [begins to walk off stage]
Narrator 2:
[pulls Narrator 1 back on stage]] Hey! We’ve got a story to do here. Eat later.
Narrator 1:
Ah… You’re right.
Narrator 2:
Anyways, as we were saying, Snow White was perfect for the dwarves.
Narrator 1:
She almost forgot her old, miserable life.
Narrator 2:
But as we all know…
Narrator 1:
It’s never that easy.
Narrator 2:
And back at the castle…
Narrator 1:
The Queen had found a small error in her plan. There! I told the story. Now can we eat?
Narrator 2:
[smacks forehead] You’ll never learn…
{CURTAINS OPEN TO CASTLE}
Evil Queen:
It’s been long enough now. Snow White must be horribly rotted in the ground of the forest. She can’t be beautiful any more.
Magic Mirror:
Unless she’s a saint. They never rot.
Evil Queen:
Oh shut up! Did I ask you?
Magic Mirror:
No ma’am. But I thought some creative input was needed.
Evil Queen:
What am I going to do with you?
Magic Mirror:
Polish me! It’s hard to see with all this grime.
Evil Queen:
Am I not allowed to think out loud in peace anymore?
Magic Mirror:
Nope! You’ve got me here for life!
Evil Queen:
Someone save me.
Magic Mirror:
[laughs]
Evil Queen:
Well, if I need to listen to you, at least do your job. Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?
Magic Mirror:
Why if it isn’t that little angel, Snow White!
Evil Queen:
What?! But she’s dead!
Magic Mirror:
Tsk tsk… She’s alive and well. You’d better check your sources next time.
Evil Queen:
What do you mean?
Magic Mirror:
Why don’t you ask the Hunter.
Evil Queen:
Fine! I will. [calls offstage] Hunter, get in here!
Hunter:
[marches onstage and bows] Yes, Your Highness?
Evil Queen:
You killed Snow White, correct?
Hunter:
Yes, Your Highness. I gave you her heart, didn’t I?
Magic Mirror:
You really should get in the habit of telling the truth.
Hunter:
What?
Evil Queen:
Yeah. What?
Magic Mirror:
Oink, oink!
Evil Queen:
Mirror, have you gone insane?
Magic Mirror:
Oink, oink.
Hunter:
(nervously) He’s lost it!
Magic Mirror:
And I gave you your chance. Yo, Queenie, pay attention. He played you!
Evil Queen:
Played me?
Magic Mirror:
Like a harp. He gave you the heart of a pig, you moron!
Evil Queen:
What?! [turns on Hunter] How dare you try to fool me? Off with your head!
Magic Mirror:
Wrong story, dear.
Hunter:
Please, Your Highness! Have mercy, forgive me! She offered me her life willingly. But her eyes… She was too kind toward a murderer. I just couldn’t do it.
Evil Queen:
Well, now your problem is mine, you weakling! Mirror, what was it I said his punishment was?
Magic Mirror:
To lie on a bed of nails!
Evil Queen:
Really? Well, that seems a bit mean for me. But who cares?
Hunter:
Your Highness, please!
Evil Queen:
Mirror, are you positive?
Magic Mirror:
It’s beside the point.
Evil Queen:
What?
Magic Mirror:
No, okay? You said you’d banish him.
Evil Queen:
See! That sounds more like me! Hunter, you’re banished. Get out of my kingdom.
Hunter:
But Your Highness!
Evil Queen:
Now! [waits till the hunter leaves before continuing] What a failure!
Magic Mirror:
Well, you do know what they say.
Evil Queen:
If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.
Magic Mirror:
No. They say, “Hired help these days!”
Evil Queen:
I’m getting out of here before your stupidity rubs off on me.
{CURTAINS CLOSE TO NARRATORS}
Narrator 1:
Who knew the mirror had a dark side?
Narrator 2:
Of course he did. He worked for the queen!
Narrator 1:
But he seemed so funny…
Narrator 2:
Yeah, but as the queen said, personalities rub off. And we all know how evil she was.
Narrator 1:
True.
{CURTAINS OPEN TO QUEEN’S LABORATORY}
*SONG 6*
Evil Queen:
And with this poison apple, ultimate beauty will be mine. Mirror, where is she now?
Magic Mirror(offstage):
Oh, all powerful overlord doesn’t know? So much for that plan.
Evil Queen:
Just spit it out already! I know that you know.
Magic Mirror:
In the woods.
Evil Queen:
More specific.
Magic Mirror:
With those cheerful little dwarves. She’s their mommy now.
Evil Queen:
So quaint. Gah!
Magic Mirror:
Hey! If you’re going, bring me back some of their diamonds. You know, diamonds are a mirror’s best friend.
Evil Queen:
Just wait for it Snow White. I’ll get you.
{QUEEN RUNS AROUND AUDIENCE LOOKING FOR SNOW WHITE AS THE STAGE DARKENS AND THE SCENE SWITCHES TO THE HOUSE}
Snow White:
[waves goodbye to dwarves] Be careful at work. I want 70 fingers and 70 toes to come home.
Evil Queen:
[appears on stage] There she is! [approaches Snow White] My dear, why look at you! So pale! Here, I was wandering through the forest picking apples. You should have one.
Snow White:
Well, they do say that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. [takes apple]
{STAGE FREEZE}
Evil Queen:
My plan was perfect!
{STAGE UNFREEZE}
Snow White:
What a strangely flavored apple. Where did you say-[falls to the ground, dead]
Evil Queen:
Yes! Now I am the most beautiful! Take that mirror! Number 1! [runs off stage laughing]
{CLOCK SOUNDS TICK BY}
Happy:
She’s not going to be happy with only 69 toes.
Doc:
Honestly! Did you have to push Dopey under the falling rocks?
Grumpy:
I didn’t! Besides, his toe is only broken.
Bashful and Sleepy:
[come in carrying Dopey] He’s heavy!
Sneezy:
It’s all Grumpy’s fault! ACHOO!
Grumpy:
I resent that.
Happy:
Um… Doc, I think Snow White passed out.
Bashful:
D-did we push her too hard?
Doc:
Guys… she’s dead!
Sleepy:
WHAT?! (suddenly awake)
Sneezy:
Check for a pulse!
Doc:
I did. There’s nothing there.
Dopey:
[begins to cry]
Grumpy:
It’s impossible. She’s just joking right?
Happy:
Grumpy, she’s gone.
Grumpy:
No she is not! [shakes Snow White] Hey! Wake up! You still have to annoy me! You need to yell at me for breaking Dopey’s toe. You need to read me a story. You need to-
Doc:
It’s no use.
Sleepy:
We… we need to bury her…
Sneezy:
We need to- ACHOO!- make a tombstone.
Bashful:
Can we bury her with a book so she has something to do?
Doc:
Anything you want. I’m sure she would love it.
Happy:
We can put her in that little valley that was her favorite.
Grumpy:
She can’t be gone… Not yet… [grabs Dopey and cries]
[all dwarves end up crying]
{CURTAINS CLOSE TO NARRATORS}
Narrator 2:
Now I’m all depressed!
Narrator 1:
Me too… See, we should’ve stopped at the happy times and went to get something to eat.
Narrator 2:
No, we couldn’t do that.
Narrator 1:
But it’s so sad!
Narrator 2:
I’m not stopping until the story is done.
Narrator 1:
Well, if you want to be all cold-hearted like that, I think I’m going to go cry.
Narrator 2:
It gets better, I promise.
Narrator 1:
How?
Narrator 2:
Just watch.
{OPEN CUTRAINS TO FUNERAL SCENE}
Bashful:
E-even dead she’s pretty.
Sleepy:
I’m going to miss those bedtime stories.
Grumpy:
And her saltless soup…
[all dwarves lay flowers on her]
Prince:
[walks on stage] What’s this? I take a walk through the forest and find a funeral? You there, who is the beautiful young maiden in the tomb?
Doc:
Snow White… our best friend…
Prince:
What a true misfortune that I had not met her in life. Her innocence and beauty so fair… I would have made her my queen.
Happy:
Queen?
Prince:
I am a prince. In a few short months, I will be king. But I need a bride.
Grumpy:
We would never have let you use her to become king.
Prince:
But I would not have been using her. When my eyes fell upon her, I knew she was the only one I would ever love.
Sleepy:
Love at first sight.
Sneezy:
A lie in itself. ACHOO!
Prince:
Please, may I just…
Doc:
You are a prince. We cannot stop you.
Prince:
[bows, goes up to Snow White, kisses her cheek]
Snow White:
[sits up and hits her head against the prince’s] Ouch! Well, who are you? What’s going on? Doc? Grumpy? Happy? Sneezy? Bashful? Sleepy? Dopey? Why do I look like I’m about to be buried?
[shocked faces on everyone]
Bashful:
B-b-but she was…
Sneezy:
And now she’s…
Sleepy:
How?
Grumpy:
She’s alive! [falls to knees]
Prince:
Miss, I am the Prince of there here lands. It was my kiss that brought you back to life. Please, oh please, will you be my wife?
Snow White:
(sarcastically)Charming.
Prince:
Have we met before?
Snow White:
What do you mean? I’m pretty suere I would remember meeting a prince.
Prince:
But you said my name. Charming.
Snow White:
Well, that’s a cliché. Prince Charming.
Prince:
You’re not much better. Snow White.
Snow White:
So you have a sense of humor for a stuffy prince.
Prince:
Well, what do you say? Marry me and my humor?
Doc:
Well, this is weird. Instead of a funeral, we’re having a wedding.
Happy:
I like it.
Grumpy:
Does this make us royalty? If so, I have a whole list of complaints.
Sneexy:
You’ll never stop whining, will you? ACHOO!
Grumpy:
Hey, my name is Grumpy for a reason.
[all walk off stage and narrators come on stage]
Narrator 1:
Wait, that’s it?
Narrator 2:
I thought you didn’t like the story.
Narrator 1:
But its happy now!
Narrator 2:
That’s right. So I guess we’ll play a round of “where are they now” for your sake.
Narrator 1:
Yes!
Narrator 2:
Well, doc became a real doctor. Using his brains and his smile, he became the best in the kingdom. [Doc enters carrying medical bag]
Narrator 1:
Keep going silly!
Narrator 2:
Bashful began a dating service for people too nervous to start off face to face. [Bashful enters carrying large heart cut-out]
Narrator 1:
And what about everyone else?
Narrator 2:
Sneezy became a sponsor for allergy medicine. [Sneezy walks on stage with large check] Happy became a teacher who was always able to keep his kids smiling. [Happy enters carrying a book] Grumpy became a lawyer, always figuring out just what was wronge with a testimony. [Grumpy walks on stage with a gavel] Sleepy founded the company that would later be known as Seta. [Sleepy enters with a studded sheep] And Dopey… well, her found the perfect use for his silence. [Dopey enters looking like a mime]
Narrator 1:
Okay so I get what the dwarves did but what about the other people?
Narrator 2:
Well the Hunter became the official game keeper under Snow White’s suggestion. [Hunter enters with bow and arrow] And the Queen was thrown in prison, along with the mirror, for attempted murder. [Queen enters in shackles holding a mirror frame.] And as for Snow White and the Prince…
Narrator 1:
Oh, I know this one!
Narrator 2:
Then take it away.
Narrator 1:
(to the audience) They both lived happily ever after.
*SONG 7 (FULL CAST)*
THE END!
Once upon a time, long long ago-
Narrator 2:
It wasn’t that long!
Narrator 1:
Fine! Once upon a time, a few years ago… Happy now?
Narrator 2:
Very! But keep going.
Narrator 1:
(directed to the audience) See what I deal with?
Narrator 2:
[shoves Narrator 1] And this is what I deal with! [gestures to Narrator 1]
Narrator 1:
Point taken. Anyways, back a few years ago-
Narrator 2:
There was a young girl-
Narrator 1:
[steps in front of Narrator 2] With pale skin that looked like-
Narrator 2:
[jumps excitedly in front of Narrator 1] SNOW! And she was so beautiful-
Narrator 1:
[pushes Narrator 2 away] That her evil stepmother, the queen, out of jealousy-
Narrator 2:
[gets in front of Narrator 1 finally] Locked her up in a high, high tower!
*SONG 1*
{CURTAINS OPEN TO REVEAL SNOW WHITE SITTING, LOOKING AT A BIRD, SHE LOOKS VERY SAD AND LONELY.}
Snow White:
(singing to the birds) You’re so lucky little bird. You can fly away any time you want. Unlike me. I’m stuck in this nasty old tower. Grounded for life. (Birds fly off and Snow White shouts after him) Lucky! Why does that ugly old queen hate me so much? [sighs and continues to pout.]
{QUICK SCENE CHANGE TO VIEW THE QUEEN}
Evil Queen:
This time for sure! I must be more beautiful than that little servant girl. [looks at mirror and begins to tap on the glass] Mirror, wake up! Wakey wakey! Come on! Oh look, a lady mirror!
Magic Mirror:
[begins waking up, suddenly becomes startled hearing the glass tapped on] Hey! Hey! Hey! Don’t you know that tapping on the glass only scares me away and hurts my ears?
Evil Queen:
(matter-of-factly)That only works with fish.
Magic Mirror:
(as if pointing out an obvious fact) How do you know? Have you ever lived behind glass?
Evil Queen:
[shakes head sadly] That’s beside the point. Now, answer me. Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?
Magic Mirror:
(as if very mad at the Queen) How should I know? Everything I say is either beside the point or just plain wrong.
Evil Queen:
(angrily) Mirror! [lifts a heavy object up] Don’t make me break you!
Magic Mirror:
Whoa! You crazy lady! Put that thing down. You know as well as I do that I’m no use dead!
Evil Queen:
(laughing) Sure you are! You’ll make a marvelous mosaic.
Magic Mirror:
(terrified) Aaaaaaah! It’s her, still! Snow White is still prettier than you! (begins to relax and becomes very rude) Always will be. Face it, you are number 2.
Evil Queen:
[begins to throw a fit] I have to do something! I must be the most beautiful! I won’t take second place!
Magic Mirror:
Well, that’s only going to happen when she dies. And come on, that’s not coming around any time soon.
Evil Queen:
[gives the mirror a very creepy look] Well, I guess I’ll just have to make it happen sooner. [calls offstage] Oh, Hunter!
Hunter:
[walks on stage, grumbling to himself] Yes, Your Highness. How may I help Your Highness?
Evil Queen:
Do you know what I want?
Hunter:
How can I, Your Highness? Your Highness hasn’t told me.
Evil Queen:
[picks up box] I want you to take this box, lead Snow White into the forest, take your hunting knife, and cut her heart from her chest.
Hunter:
How, Your Highness? I could never kill her! Besides, isn’t she your stepdaughter? How could you come to killing her?
Evil Queen:
Kill her, or you’ll be banished.
Magic Mirror:
(laughing) And she’s not joking. She almost broke me a few minutes ago!
Hunter:
[nods slowly] Alright, Your Highness. It shall be done as Your Highness commands. [takes the box and leaves]
Evil Queen:
Finally! Just you wait mirror! Soon, you’ll say I am the most beautiful!
Magic Mirror:
Whatever you say, Queen of the Insane.
{CURTAINS CLOSE, NARRATORS COME ON STAGE}
Narrator 1:
So the hunter went to the tower and led Snow White to the forest.
Narrator 2:
The young girl was relieved to be free from her prison.
Narrator 1:
[looks as Narrator 2] Much how like I want to be free from you.
Narrator 2:
Then go lock yourself in a tower.
Narrator 1:
Better idea! I lock you up there! [Narrators wrestle each other off stage]
{CURTAINS OPEN TO SCENE OF THE FOREST WITH SNOW WHITE AND HUNTER}
Snow White:
Oh thank you, thank you, thank you for getting me out of that prison. [spins around, taking in the scenery] It’s just so nice out here!
Hunter:
(a bit nervously) Oh, don’t thank me. I’m just following orders. [pulls knife out of his pocket]
Snow White:
Who’s orders? Why would anyone tell you to bring me out here? [turns around and sees knife] Wait. Is that a knife?
Hunter:
I’m sorry, but the Queen ordered it. She said that I must cut out your heart or I will be banished from the kingdom.
Snow White:
(bravely) Then kill me. My life wasn’t much locked up in that tower, anyways. You live your life well and take mine instead.
Hunter:
[pauses to think then throws knife to the ground] I can’t do it. Run! Run far away! I’ll find a way to convince her that you’re dead… That I killed you.
Snow White:
Are you sure? But what if-?
Hunter:
Just go! [runs off stage in opposite direction of Snow White]
Snow White:
Well, alright then. [walks through forest]
*SONG 2*
Snow White:
[sees a cottage] What a nice little home… I wonder who exactly lives here. [knocks on the door] Hello? [knocks again] Is anybody home? [waits but there is no response] Well… maybe just a peek… [opens the door] Wow! It’s so messy in here! That is never good. Since I trespassed, I feel like I should clean this place up in return. (to animals gathering near her) Do you think we should clean this up?
Animals:
[cheer and shout answers like ‘yes’ ’lets do it’ ‘we can do it’ ‘of course’]
Snow White:
Alrightey, then! Let’s get to it! [begins to clean]
*SONG 3*
Snow White:
We’re finally done! I’m so relieved.
Animal 1:
They’re going to be home soon.
Animal 2:
They might not want you here.
Animal 3:
Why not? She cleaned their house.
Animal 1:
But she didn’t ask for permission.
Animal 2:
And she was trespassing.
Animal 3:
But she was being nice!
Animals 1 & 2:
That doesn’t mean it’s not illegal.
Animal 3:
So you think they’ll be mean to her? That’s just not like them.
Animals:
Of course!
Snow White:
Excuse me, but who are we talking about here?
Animal 4:
The owners of this house.
Animal 5:
The short men.
Animal 6:
They are rather short, aren’t they?
Animal 4:
You mean you didn’t notice before?
Animal 5:
They aren’t even normal person height! How do you miss that?
Animal 6:
Well, I don’t know. They were just people to me.
Animals:
We try not to classify people.
Snow White:
So short people that own this house. I get that but who are they?
Animal 1:
Oh no!
Animal 2:
Here they come!
Animal 4:
We have to get out of here!
Animal 5:
I don’t want to get in trouble.
Animals:
None of us do!
Animals 3 & 6:
Don’t worry, they aren’t so bad. Everyone just overreacts.
[seven dwarves walk on stage]
*SONG 4*
Happy:
Hi Ho! What’s this?
Doc:
I think someone is in our house!
Grumpy:
What?! Why I ought to-
Sleepy:
I just hope they didn’t sleep in my bed.
Sneezy:
There is lots of dust in there. Maybe they- ACHOO!
Bashful:
I w-want our home b-back. B-but what if they’re m-mean?
Dopey:
[opens mouth to talk but no sound comes out]
All Dwarves(except Dopey):
Dopey, you can’t talk!
Dopey:
[pouts sullenly]
Grumpy:
[storms up to the door] Hey you! Get out of our house!
Snow White:
[comes out of house] Oh dear… It looks like they are rather mean after all.
Doc:
I’m sorry, miss. But that’s our house and we sort of need to get in.
Snow White:
Well, maybe not all of them.
Bashful:
Y-you have to leave!
Snow White:
(to self) I take it back. (to dwarves) I’m so sorry. But please, won’t you let me stay? I have nowhere else to go! I’ll do the cooking. I’ll do the cleaning. I’ll do anything that will convince you to let me stay.
Happy:
Sure! Welcome to the family!
Other Dwarves(except Dopey):
What?!
Happy:
What? You’re all awful cooks.
Snow White:
[shakes Happy’s hand] Thank you! You won’t be disappointed or regret this. Um… by the way, who are you guys?
Grumpy:
Don’t you think you should have asked that before invading our home, airhead?
*SONG 5 (song 4 reprise)*
Snow White:
Wait. I didn’t get that at all.
Doc:
Well, I’m Doc. [bows]
Happy:
I’m Happy! Pleased to meetcha! [shakes Snow White’s hand]
Bashful:
I’m B-b-bashful… [hides behind hat]
Sleepy:
[gets on the floor and starts to go to sleep] Sleepy…
Grumpy:
Grumpy. [crosses arms]
Sneezy:
I’m- ACHOO!- Sneezy
Dopey:
[opens mouth]
All Dwarves(except Dopey):
He’s Dopey.
Snow White:
Oh! Well it is very nice to meet all of you.
Grumpy:
Shouldn’t you introduce yourself, airhead?
Doc:
Don’t be mean to our newest friend, Grumpy.
Sneezy:
Yeah! It’s not her- ACHOO!- fault.
Dopey:
[walks up to Grumpy and waves a finger in his face in a ‘tsk tsk’ motion]
Snow White:
(calmly) No, he’s right. I’m Snow White.
Sleepy:
Pretty name.
Snow White:
Thanks?
Bashful:
C-come on in. [tried to enter house but Snow White is in the way]
Snow White:
I already am…
Happy:
Well, then you should invite us in!
Snow White:
Come in, please?
[dwarves enter the house and Snow White shuts the door behind them]
Doc:
So, miss, where did you live before being with us?
Snow White:
In a- [stops and thinks] You know, just far away.
Grumpy:
See that? She doesn’t trust us. So why should we let her stay here, again?
Bashful:
E-everyone has secrets.
Dopey:
[begins to mime being the other dwarves]
Grumpy:
Well, I don’t know if I like that very much.
Sleepy:
Chill. You just need to take a step back and [yawns] relax.
Snow White:
Please? I don’t mean any harm.
Sneezy:
You cleaned and now there’s less- ACHOO!- dust. I’m fine with anything else.
Happy:
So you’ve finished part one and now on to part two. Dinner!
Snow White:
O-of course. Any requests?
Doc:
Anything that you like.
Grumpy:
Beef. Lots of beef.
Snow White:
Beef stew it is. [heads for pot on the fireplace]
Sleepy:
She’s nice. I like her.
Sneezy:
Me- ACHOO!- too.
Bashful:
Yeah. C-can we keep her?
Doc:
Well, this is a democracy. I say we vote.
Happy:
All for? [all but Grumpy raise their hands] All against? [only Grumpy raises his hand]
Grumpy:
Hey! [turns to Dopey] I thought you were going to vote with me!
Dopey:
[starts running around while being chased by Grumpy]
Happy:
So the “for”s have it!
Sneezy:
Yay! She stays!
Bashful:
Should we tell her?
Doc:
Well she already knows that she can stay for a while, but now its permanent. I say we stay quiet and just never kick her out.
Snow White:
The stew is done! Come and get it!
[dwarves run over with bowls and spoons while Snow White serves from the pot]
Sleepy:
Yummmmmm…
Sneezy:
I love it!
Happy:
You’re a fantastic cook, my dear!
Snow White:
Why thank you! I’ve worked hard in kitchens of a tower my whole life. My stepmother was too lazy to cook anything herself.
Doc:
Your misfortune works in our favor. What do you think, Grumpy? You requested this after all.
Grumpy:
Needs more salt…
Dopey:
[signals that Grumpy is wrong and gives a big thumbs up]
Bashful:
I-ignore them. T-they’re just rude.
Snow White:
Okay then. I’m glad most of you like it at least.
Happy:
Why wouldn’t we?
Snow White:
Not a clue. [collects bowls and begins to clean]
Sleepy:
Snow White?
Snow White:
Yes, Sleepy?
Sleepy:
Will you read us a bed time story?
Snow White:
Of course. [goes and finds a book]
[dwarves get ready for bed as Snow White begins to read]
{CLOSE CURTAINS FOR NARRATORS}
Narrator 1:
So they sort of fell into a pattern.
Narrator 2:
Within a few days, they were great friends!
Narrator 1:
Snow White was like the mother that the seven dwarves never had.
Narrator 2:
She was sweet.
Narrator 1:
Caring.
Narrator 2:
Smart.
Narrator 1:
Clean.
Narrator 2:
And most of all, she could cook.
Narrator 1:
Which reminds me, that story made me hungry. Want to go get a burger? [begins to walk off stage]
Narrator 2:
[pulls Narrator 1 back on stage]] Hey! We’ve got a story to do here. Eat later.
Narrator 1:
Ah… You’re right.
Narrator 2:
Anyways, as we were saying, Snow White was perfect for the dwarves.
Narrator 1:
She almost forgot her old, miserable life.
Narrator 2:
But as we all know…
Narrator 1:
It’s never that easy.
Narrator 2:
And back at the castle…
Narrator 1:
The Queen had found a small error in her plan. There! I told the story. Now can we eat?
Narrator 2:
[smacks forehead] You’ll never learn…
{CURTAINS OPEN TO CASTLE}
Evil Queen:
It’s been long enough now. Snow White must be horribly rotted in the ground of the forest. She can’t be beautiful any more.
Magic Mirror:
Unless she’s a saint. They never rot.
Evil Queen:
Oh shut up! Did I ask you?
Magic Mirror:
No ma’am. But I thought some creative input was needed.
Evil Queen:
What am I going to do with you?
Magic Mirror:
Polish me! It’s hard to see with all this grime.
Evil Queen:
Am I not allowed to think out loud in peace anymore?
Magic Mirror:
Nope! You’ve got me here for life!
Evil Queen:
Someone save me.
Magic Mirror:
[laughs]
Evil Queen:
Well, if I need to listen to you, at least do your job. Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?
Magic Mirror:
Why if it isn’t that little angel, Snow White!
Evil Queen:
What?! But she’s dead!
Magic Mirror:
Tsk tsk… She’s alive and well. You’d better check your sources next time.
Evil Queen:
What do you mean?
Magic Mirror:
Why don’t you ask the Hunter.
Evil Queen:
Fine! I will. [calls offstage] Hunter, get in here!
Hunter:
[marches onstage and bows] Yes, Your Highness?
Evil Queen:
You killed Snow White, correct?
Hunter:
Yes, Your Highness. I gave you her heart, didn’t I?
Magic Mirror:
You really should get in the habit of telling the truth.
Hunter:
What?
Evil Queen:
Yeah. What?
Magic Mirror:
Oink, oink!
Evil Queen:
Mirror, have you gone insane?
Magic Mirror:
Oink, oink.
Hunter:
(nervously) He’s lost it!
Magic Mirror:
And I gave you your chance. Yo, Queenie, pay attention. He played you!
Evil Queen:
Played me?
Magic Mirror:
Like a harp. He gave you the heart of a pig, you moron!
Evil Queen:
What?! [turns on Hunter] How dare you try to fool me? Off with your head!
Magic Mirror:
Wrong story, dear.
Hunter:
Please, Your Highness! Have mercy, forgive me! She offered me her life willingly. But her eyes… She was too kind toward a murderer. I just couldn’t do it.
Evil Queen:
Well, now your problem is mine, you weakling! Mirror, what was it I said his punishment was?
Magic Mirror:
To lie on a bed of nails!
Evil Queen:
Really? Well, that seems a bit mean for me. But who cares?
Hunter:
Your Highness, please!
Evil Queen:
Mirror, are you positive?
Magic Mirror:
It’s beside the point.
Evil Queen:
What?
Magic Mirror:
No, okay? You said you’d banish him.
Evil Queen:
See! That sounds more like me! Hunter, you’re banished. Get out of my kingdom.
Hunter:
But Your Highness!
Evil Queen:
Now! [waits till the hunter leaves before continuing] What a failure!
Magic Mirror:
Well, you do know what they say.
Evil Queen:
If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.
Magic Mirror:
No. They say, “Hired help these days!”
Evil Queen:
I’m getting out of here before your stupidity rubs off on me.
{CURTAINS CLOSE TO NARRATORS}
Narrator 1:
Who knew the mirror had a dark side?
Narrator 2:
Of course he did. He worked for the queen!
Narrator 1:
But he seemed so funny…
Narrator 2:
Yeah, but as the queen said, personalities rub off. And we all know how evil she was.
Narrator 1:
True.
{CURTAINS OPEN TO QUEEN’S LABORATORY}
*SONG 6*
Evil Queen:
And with this poison apple, ultimate beauty will be mine. Mirror, where is she now?
Magic Mirror(offstage):
Oh, all powerful overlord doesn’t know? So much for that plan.
Evil Queen:
Just spit it out already! I know that you know.
Magic Mirror:
In the woods.
Evil Queen:
More specific.
Magic Mirror:
With those cheerful little dwarves. She’s their mommy now.
Evil Queen:
So quaint. Gah!
Magic Mirror:
Hey! If you’re going, bring me back some of their diamonds. You know, diamonds are a mirror’s best friend.
Evil Queen:
Just wait for it Snow White. I’ll get you.
{QUEEN RUNS AROUND AUDIENCE LOOKING FOR SNOW WHITE AS THE STAGE DARKENS AND THE SCENE SWITCHES TO THE HOUSE}
Snow White:
[waves goodbye to dwarves] Be careful at work. I want 70 fingers and 70 toes to come home.
Evil Queen:
[appears on stage] There she is! [approaches Snow White] My dear, why look at you! So pale! Here, I was wandering through the forest picking apples. You should have one.
Snow White:
Well, they do say that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. [takes apple]
{STAGE FREEZE}
Evil Queen:
My plan was perfect!
{STAGE UNFREEZE}
Snow White:
What a strangely flavored apple. Where did you say-[falls to the ground, dead]
Evil Queen:
Yes! Now I am the most beautiful! Take that mirror! Number 1! [runs off stage laughing]
{CLOCK SOUNDS TICK BY}
Happy:
She’s not going to be happy with only 69 toes.
Doc:
Honestly! Did you have to push Dopey under the falling rocks?
Grumpy:
I didn’t! Besides, his toe is only broken.
Bashful and Sleepy:
[come in carrying Dopey] He’s heavy!
Sneezy:
It’s all Grumpy’s fault! ACHOO!
Grumpy:
I resent that.
Happy:
Um… Doc, I think Snow White passed out.
Bashful:
D-did we push her too hard?
Doc:
Guys… she’s dead!
Sleepy:
WHAT?! (suddenly awake)
Sneezy:
Check for a pulse!
Doc:
I did. There’s nothing there.
Dopey:
[begins to cry]
Grumpy:
It’s impossible. She’s just joking right?
Happy:
Grumpy, she’s gone.
Grumpy:
No she is not! [shakes Snow White] Hey! Wake up! You still have to annoy me! You need to yell at me for breaking Dopey’s toe. You need to read me a story. You need to-
Doc:
It’s no use.
Sleepy:
We… we need to bury her…
Sneezy:
We need to- ACHOO!- make a tombstone.
Bashful:
Can we bury her with a book so she has something to do?
Doc:
Anything you want. I’m sure she would love it.
Happy:
We can put her in that little valley that was her favorite.
Grumpy:
She can’t be gone… Not yet… [grabs Dopey and cries]
[all dwarves end up crying]
{CURTAINS CLOSE TO NARRATORS}
Narrator 2:
Now I’m all depressed!
Narrator 1:
Me too… See, we should’ve stopped at the happy times and went to get something to eat.
Narrator 2:
No, we couldn’t do that.
Narrator 1:
But it’s so sad!
Narrator 2:
I’m not stopping until the story is done.
Narrator 1:
Well, if you want to be all cold-hearted like that, I think I’m going to go cry.
Narrator 2:
It gets better, I promise.
Narrator 1:
How?
Narrator 2:
Just watch.
{OPEN CUTRAINS TO FUNERAL SCENE}
Bashful:
E-even dead she’s pretty.
Sleepy:
I’m going to miss those bedtime stories.
Grumpy:
And her saltless soup…
[all dwarves lay flowers on her]
Prince:
[walks on stage] What’s this? I take a walk through the forest and find a funeral? You there, who is the beautiful young maiden in the tomb?
Doc:
Snow White… our best friend…
Prince:
What a true misfortune that I had not met her in life. Her innocence and beauty so fair… I would have made her my queen.
Happy:
Queen?
Prince:
I am a prince. In a few short months, I will be king. But I need a bride.
Grumpy:
We would never have let you use her to become king.
Prince:
But I would not have been using her. When my eyes fell upon her, I knew she was the only one I would ever love.
Sleepy:
Love at first sight.
Sneezy:
A lie in itself. ACHOO!
Prince:
Please, may I just…
Doc:
You are a prince. We cannot stop you.
Prince:
[bows, goes up to Snow White, kisses her cheek]
Snow White:
[sits up and hits her head against the prince’s] Ouch! Well, who are you? What’s going on? Doc? Grumpy? Happy? Sneezy? Bashful? Sleepy? Dopey? Why do I look like I’m about to be buried?
[shocked faces on everyone]
Bashful:
B-b-but she was…
Sneezy:
And now she’s…
Sleepy:
How?
Grumpy:
She’s alive! [falls to knees]
Prince:
Miss, I am the Prince of there here lands. It was my kiss that brought you back to life. Please, oh please, will you be my wife?
Snow White:
(sarcastically)Charming.
Prince:
Have we met before?
Snow White:
What do you mean? I’m pretty suere I would remember meeting a prince.
Prince:
But you said my name. Charming.
Snow White:
Well, that’s a cliché. Prince Charming.
Prince:
You’re not much better. Snow White.
Snow White:
So you have a sense of humor for a stuffy prince.
Prince:
Well, what do you say? Marry me and my humor?
Doc:
Well, this is weird. Instead of a funeral, we’re having a wedding.
Happy:
I like it.
Grumpy:
Does this make us royalty? If so, I have a whole list of complaints.
Sneexy:
You’ll never stop whining, will you? ACHOO!
Grumpy:
Hey, my name is Grumpy for a reason.
[all walk off stage and narrators come on stage]
Narrator 1:
Wait, that’s it?
Narrator 2:
I thought you didn’t like the story.
Narrator 1:
But its happy now!
Narrator 2:
That’s right. So I guess we’ll play a round of “where are they now” for your sake.
Narrator 1:
Yes!
Narrator 2:
Well, doc became a real doctor. Using his brains and his smile, he became the best in the kingdom. [Doc enters carrying medical bag]
Narrator 1:
Keep going silly!
Narrator 2:
Bashful began a dating service for people too nervous to start off face to face. [Bashful enters carrying large heart cut-out]
Narrator 1:
And what about everyone else?
Narrator 2:
Sneezy became a sponsor for allergy medicine. [Sneezy walks on stage with large check] Happy became a teacher who was always able to keep his kids smiling. [Happy enters carrying a book] Grumpy became a lawyer, always figuring out just what was wronge with a testimony. [Grumpy walks on stage with a gavel] Sleepy founded the company that would later be known as Seta. [Sleepy enters with a studded sheep] And Dopey… well, her found the perfect use for his silence. [Dopey enters looking like a mime]
Narrator 1:
Okay so I get what the dwarves did but what about the other people?
Narrator 2:
Well the Hunter became the official game keeper under Snow White’s suggestion. [Hunter enters with bow and arrow] And the Queen was thrown in prison, along with the mirror, for attempted murder. [Queen enters in shackles holding a mirror frame.] And as for Snow White and the Prince…
Narrator 1:
Oh, I know this one!
Narrator 2:
Then take it away.
Narrator 1:
(to the audience) They both lived happily ever after.
*SONG 7 (FULL CAST)*
THE END!
and there is my take on the classic tale. damn elementary school level.
