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Ok so this whole essay, paragraph, paper, or whatever the ******** you wanna call it, is just a rant. Points have come to me that show me for whom I really am and I don't know what to do.
First: I'm fat. I don't know how, but I went from a little kid, to a chubby kid, to a little bit skinnier, but not really. I can't do supplements, I cannot withhold myself from fattening foods, and I can't just stop everything and go on diets. As a chef, I love food but I don't want to eat all foods. I want to try everything but I hate this. I hate feeling like I get bigger and bigger every day. And to those that would say I'm not fat, shut up. I know I am. The normal size for a teenage guy at my age is like 130-140. I'm 190 nearing 200. That's 40-50 pounds over. I hate that I can't get both my big hands around my thigh and I hate looking down at my belly when I sit down. I'm not obese or anythign near it, but I fear I might soon be. I don't want to have any heart or medical problems but I don't know what to do. I try and do exercise but soon I lose motivation because I'm not required and I don't have any reason nor anyone to push me to try. I need someone to work out or run or SOMETHING with me.
Second: I feel lonely. I know my girl is always there for me, but I just don't wanna tell her sometimes. Not cuz I don't love her; I love her with all of my heart, but she's not here and without her or someone else I don't feel safe. That's part of the reason I hugged people was because I felt safe and calm. Like I might explode if I didn't. But this loneliness I can handle, it's when I am with people and don't know what to do. I feel ignored if I am not involved sometimes. Such as going to a party, knowing no one and having to sit by myself while the birthday girl is somewhere else. It's not being alone that's bad, it's being with people and no one cares enough to be with you.
Third: Her. I want to make her proud and love me even more for that. I'm not hot, cute, sexy, muscular, or anything like that. I'm just me. Video game playing, nerdy, laughable me. And while yeah, I'm kind, smart, and funny. That doesn't amoutn to the guys that are funny, kind, smart, muscular, or anything else. As addressed above, I don't do sports or anything that is regular. And sometimes I just don't have time, but there isn't a thing I would give up to change what I have. So I'm not good looking or anything, I know that. And I'm not a great debator or a person that does well in competitions. Hell, I'm scared shitless to even talk to the guy about the Culinary Competetion. I know people will say bad things about my cooking and I cannot help but be fearful.
Fourth: Friends. I love all of them. And sometimes I get that feeling back but most of the time I don't. Even during ice skating, my friend preferred talking and being with someone else rather than me. Which is understandable, but I didn't come here to be ignored or looked over, sorry but serious. And I just wish that one of my friends would help. I don't need somebody to tell me what to do, I need someone to help me actually do it. Such as running. Yeah TJ, it's nice to know you give a s**t and tell me what to do, but I need someone to help me. People have coaches and some have mentors or some have friends that build off of them. Well, where the ******** are mine? Not here.
Fifth: School. I am a 3.79 GPA student. And yeah that's cool but it sucks when you see someone have a 102.4% in a class where you have an 82.4%. And yeah, I don't know some things and yeah I missed some days, but is there such a giant gap where I feel like a ******** idiot?! I wish I could just know more and achieve higher. I don't want to disappoint my parents or my friends and say "Yeah I got a D or F." I just, for once, wanna come home and have all A's, test: A!, and all that other stuff. But again, I don't know how. Clubs: I would never give up one, hell I add more than what I have. 15 almost 16 different clubs and activities. One of main reasons I just cannot do a sport like La Crosse or anything.
Seventh: My dark side. No one has seen it but 2 people. One is distant and now afraid to talk to me and the other is still scared but talks to me still. This monster inside me is scary and I hate it. It's all my pent up anger, self hate, and all that other bad s**t and it surfaces. I'm scared of it and so will others. And I never wanna show it, because everyone will be terrified. It's just something I cannot control, even though I wish I could.
Eighth: My smile. Why is it easy to replicate a smile, but so very hard to actually smile? I mean yeah, I laugh and I care. But I never find myself legitly smiling for no reason or because I'm happy. I haven't been happy for the longest time, and again it's something I cannot control and I don't know how to.
Ninth: Advice. Look I love helping people. I love the smile when I give them a water bottle or make their day. And I become "close" with these people as well as I am the one they turn to when something is wrong, but I am sick of this "You don't understand," or "No, that won't solve the problem." Don't ask for help or advice if you aren't willing to listen to all solutions and agree or try them. Also, advice is great but I need to follow it up more. Cuz the truth is, I do understand, more than you know.
Tenth: Family. Every day just further put my resolve of leaving, even more. I am constantly yelled at for a multitude of things. Church; grades; activities; too much time on the xbox; not evnough family time; disrespecting, disobeying, and contradicting; debating; arguing; being lazy; having a girlfriend; havign friends; being involved; Church; too much TV; not talking to family; Church; not being involved in Church; "give and take;" and plenty more. I'm sick of it. I get blamed for being me; if I don't change myself, I get into trouble for being who I am. I get in trouble for questioning and bringing up valid points, but my parents only p***y out and confine me within my room. I don't understand why questioning authority or even asking questions that makes them think, is so hard to honor without being angry and rageful. I'm sick of being forced to things I don't like nor want to do, just to please some Monsters who dare to call themselves my family. "I want to go to the Japanese Tea Garden!" "Mom, I told you...I'm going over to Pierre's that day." "Well, not anymore." Or belittling me for being a 16 year old. Just because I am younger, does not mean that I don't have emotions, feelings, thoughts, reasons, or anything that goes against you. I'm sick of be held down by such restraints as though pitiful souls. I tire of being compared to my ******** of a brother - Jared. So just because he made mistakes, means I will too? I am nothing like them, I am NOT them. Yet, I still am called "Jared" or "Jason," when they are home for the holidays. I dream of the day I become finally free of my parents. I'm annoyed by the and the thought of them. You'd think someone who holds themselves higher, someone who has gone through my stage of life, someone that is supposed to know, would. But they don't. I ******** HATE them. I'm done. I'm sick of their complaints, their bullshit, their lies, Hell their ******** entities piss me off. I tell them I can walk home, that I can get a ride. They say, "Oh, it's no problem! Don't worry!" But then they complain and b***h later on about how they must chaperone me everywhere. DO NOT DO IT AND THEN b***h WHEN YOU SAY IT IS FINE. If you don't want to do it, don't say it's ok and then do it.
Eleventh: Church. I'm not a full on church person, but I'm not a person that just says "******** that!" I accept Jesus and God, but I dispise the thought of Church. It is an hour of my time and day, to do ... absolutely nothing. Even if I "pay attention," there is nothing of value to learn. You get up, you sing, you sit down, you read, you listen, you get up, you say hi, you sit down, you get up, you sing, you sit down, etc. There is nothing new. Nothing of value nor worth. Everything is boring and has no purpose. If there is nothing to gain, nothing to have nor obtain, then what is the point? "It makes me happy." Happy? How can you be happy when it's not "God's word"? When it has nothing to do with the "Lord!?" I'm sick of being forced to participate in something when no there is no value to it. How dare her for even mentioning that it makes her happy and that it's a "give and take." I get good grades, for them. I don't do drugs, for them. I don't smoke or hang out with the wrong side, for them. I get involved, for them. I want to go to college, for them. I want to win an award, to make you proud. I want to be famous and wealthy, to mkae you happy and loving. Now I kinda feel that it's not true and no matter what, you'll always be mad at me. You cannot let things go and cannot give things up. You challenge me for being disrespectful, yet you're not. For being complaining, yet you do everyday. Do not point out my flaws, when you have the same ones.

For now, that's it, but more are to come....