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An incessant little voice in my head

Had been telling me to kill myself alot lately

That is all.

Okay no, I need to write more then that. I just... I don't know. I feel kind of worthless, I think. I don't think I know how to love. I don't have anyone I can love seemingly. I thought I'd loved before, but I don't think I ever have. Love isn't supposed to just vanish into thin air like everything else has, dammit. I feel like a ... mosnter, almost. So very depressed. Life holds little meaning for me aside from being able to crush on fictional characters, and that possibly makes things worse, because they're just out of my reach. I have a direction I want to take my life in but that doesn't seem to make an impression on my subconscious. I feel it slightly leaking over... a protrusion that I can acknowledge.

I don't go anywhere or do anything because life itself is such a bother. I just try to pass each day by and don't know what to expect out of the next one. Genuine happiness, thrill, and sadness is beyond me. I just comprehend that I'm depressed because of the hollowness, the sluggishness. The inability to care.

I don't really want to kill myself. Not at all. Just there's seriously that voice there, the utter worthlessness of my entire state of being. It summons it regardless of whether or not I want it. I don't know what to do with myself at all.

I seriously don't. So tired...

There. ******** emo enough.

User Comments: [2] [add]
Yume dark angle
Community Member
commentCommented on: Tue Nov 16, 2010 @ 06:12am
i know what you mean but i feel as if i am empty with nothing but i get up walk talk and do as if i am happy but am not i feel like i am just watch myself and it feels werid i dont have a reason to be happy...not that i am emo or anything i use to be a happy person but it all fell apart all of a sudden and i was ony doing something good but in the end it hurt me but i dont know why and nothing out there that can change it you may scream and cry but nothing happen and no one listens

sad Yume

commentCommented on: Tue Nov 16, 2010 @ 07:00am
Its perfectly normal.

People fall in and out of love all the time. Sometimes its just as quick as when they fell in love. I've done it. And I know many who have. One day, you just realize...you don't love that person anymore. The spark has died, and its time to let go. Its a normal stepping stone in life. Its a normal experience.

Don't base whether your able to love on one man. Your only 20, and you've had a total of 3 'real' relationships. Some people go through many till they find the one. To assume your a monster who can't love based on your most recent outcome is a bit silly, but understandable. Its frustrating.
A defense mechanism, perhaps. Based on past relationships, it happens. Like me. Mine isn't focused around letting others in, but more my temper and mood swings. If I get into a heated argument with Aaron, I have to leave the room since our living space is filled with technology. Technology gets me upset, worked up, angry. But thats because of me and Brandon, because of my past arguments that were downright horrible. Whenever we fought, he was always at a computer. Thus, technology is the fuel to my fire.

Just like you. You gave yourself openly before, and every time you got burned. Really bad. Thus, your subconscious created a wall that you might not be consciously aware of. A barrier for protection. This isn't out of the ordinary. Even the human heart must develop ways to protect itself when it feels its in harms way. And harms way may not always be what we think it is. Harms way for you, may be a second of doubt, a question, a feeling, a look, feel, touch...

And that little voice? Everyone gets it as well, I can imagine, so your not alone. I suppose it may be like that voice that fueled my addiction I'm still fighting with over the last 6 years or so--and I'm not talking about cigarettes. Its there, no matter what you do. Sometimes, its more prominent when your upset, alone, angry, frustrated...Heart broken.

Especially heart broken. When Brandon said those horrible, horrible things about me last summer to that girl, Jessica, it took every ounce to ignore that little voice in the back of my head. And trust me, the voice was very persuasive.

In the end, my point is, that your not at the end of the rope just yet. You've got a long ways to go, and you've only just begun to climb. Life holds many things, and amongst the contents of Pandora's chest, is heart break and self doubt. Doesn't sound great, but no one goes through life alone. Damian may just be a stepping stone.

Or, maybe, months from now, years from now, you two may see each other again, and something might spark. Every love story I hear, talks about how they broke up, didn't see each other for so long, then suddenly, they bumped into each other, and it just seemed right. My parents have such a story. And they are truly an example.

I would write more, but its time for bed. But we should talk sometime, go out for coffee. I know from experience, talking to a best friend can really help straighten thoughts and heartache. Sometimes, its like making a map, and being able to lay everything out for self examination. I did it a lot with you, Christie--and even Aaron.

Speaking of Aaron;

You should come out to his house sometime. Maybe being out there will help, too. Seemed to always help before, and its been a while since you've talked to Butch. He asks about you all the time. Haha.

Azure Starwish
Community Member
User Comments: [2] [add]
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