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It's been ten months since the last time I wrote anything here... ten months. So very much has changed since then. I'm no longer with the person I once called "my one and only". He wasn't truly that to me, I just needed to open my eyes and see it for myself. There was no real and honest connection to that coward. Growth, maturity, and a sense of enlightenment have created a new appreciation for the things I have, a realization of the things I need to erase or get rid of, and a more realistic view of my goals and desires.
I have a career now, something to motivate me to move toward my goals and start living life. I take better care of myself now (I've lost over 20lbs and gained muscle strength and endurance) by being conscious of my actions concerning what I take in, how much, my activity level on a daily basis, and the attitude I have. Instead of focusing on the things that aggravate me and stress me out, I let them go and move on. Why dwell on the things that cause you problems, right? No, I didn't drift off topic by talking about my health (which I'm still working on). My career affects my health, and the health of others. I'm a massage therapist now, officially.
The changes in my love life, career, health, maturity, and understanding actually all tie in together. It wasn't instantly after my last post that I started making changes and figuring things out. It all came at once many months later... after I continued to make stupid decisions that affected me in terrible ways and I continued to put up with immense layers of filth. The understanding of it all hit me New Years Day of this year of 2010. Suddenly, I didn't cling to the past, I didn't feel so alone by being by myself, I started to smile for no reason whatsoever, and it was so much easier for me to tune into the world around me... As if someone had drained the fish tank I'd been stuck in for years and pulled back the heavy curtain covering it to reveal the ladder out to a clear blue sky. It hit me: life is just that easy, it's our skepticism that makes it difficult. If we dropped the doubt and just started living for a change, maybe problems would get solved with much less difficulty thanks to people being much more level-headed about different circumstances. It was like someone opened the door to my mind for the first time and flipped on the switch. "I saw the light" so to speak.
No, I'm not saying I "found religion" or anything like that. I'd already had mine before that point (and for the record, no, it's nothing related to Christianity. Everyone has the right to their beliefs... it's what makes us all human). My point is that things skyrocketed after my mind "turned on".
On top of my "shiny new career" and my improving physical quality (and newly-found thinking process), I am in a new romantic relationship. Unlike the previous, we're taking it slow, approaching it with caution, letting things develop at the pace they wish to take, and we connect on almost every level... almost. Healing takes time, and both of us have been hurt bad by life, so connecting on an emotional level has been difficult for both of us... since both of us have an excuse to guard ourselves. Though, as time passes, the emotional connection sneaks its way in more, slowly starting to weave a very strong yet pliable web of security between us, that security being trust. No more diving in and hoping the pool's not shallow. Both of us are at opposite ends, slowly wading toward the center, the point that is deepest because it is bottomless, expanding in all directions to everywhere and nowhere all at once. But there will come a point (which hasn't happened yet, but I know it will), where both of us will reach the depth that has us standing on our toes... you know... the point where a step further and either you keep your feet on the bottom but the water's over your head or you let your head stay above the surface but you have to tread water. The point where you hesitate/pause to make a decision: turn back, stay put, or start swimming? Turning back means believing the other person will do the same, or perhaps you see them already doing it because land is safe and grounded. You can firmly plant your feet on land. But the pool expands for forever to the right and left, so turning back is turning back. Staying put means wanting to give the person a chance, but being either too afraid to go any further forward or feeling that the other person needs to swim the extra distance to prove themselves to you. The distance just to the center between the two shores is long. Having to swim further than that makes it very exhausting, and also not worth it. For those that do go the extra distance, they still have to turn backward from you to get to the center again, whether you come back with them or not. By then they are completely exhausted, too exhausted to want to tread water or swim. So they continue to where their feet are firmly planted. And if you come with them, you exhaust yourself with the extra distance. It's constant trying to swim back and forth from shore to shore, for rest, only able to feel safe on your own shore. Eventually, one will stop making the trip. Start swimming, and you risk the distance exhaustion yourself. You may stop at the center, but you still have to tread water while you wait for the other person to meet you, avoiding the extra distance and exhaustion. If you wait too long, you have to turn back for rest. But if the two of you meet in the center, where space expands forever in all directions, you stop treading... and start floating. There is the risk of getting to the center and one or both of you turn back because of the tiresome journey there... but when all that's left to do is reach out... why expend the extra energy. I wait to see what happens when that point is reached for us... will it be worth it to start swimming or won't it?
All in all, to sum things up... since last I posted a journal on here, things have changed.
 Aidryanna · Wed May 19, 2010 @ 08:06am · 0 Comments |
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