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I miss the time, before we found out mom had cancer..

I miss only having to worry about relationships, I miss being a kid. I miss everyone being so innocent..

I miss the time before life started its downward spiral.. but then again, I've always been at the bottom, looking up.. I've just been waiting for the rest of the world to catch up to me..

I miss all my friends and I always going out to play, I miss begging for videogames, and looking forward to christmas..I miss the time before I even knew what daemons were, the time of confusion after lilith, when I thought I was having a really ******** up dream..

I miss being a wimp, I miss being scarless, having anger issues.. I miss being young.. I was growing up right.. everything was going so perfectly..now it's all falling apart.. I'm falling... there's nothing beneath me to keep me up..

I miss the time when love was just a word, and we said it because we really, really liked someone..

I miss Yuu, I miss our fantasy world.. I miss dating harmony, while playing Ragnarok.. I miss the time when she broke my heart, and the ants in the game had the same name as the guy she left me for.. I miss sary, even.. I miss the pain she gave me, I miss suffering while going to college.. I miss the nights I'd be up crying.. because it was all so real then..

I miss mom telling me plans about moving in with Ricky in london, I miss her telling me, "some day we'll run away to california james, we'll get away from your Daddy and we'll be happy, we'll start fresh and everything will be okay.."

I remember when she told me later on, "I don't think I'll be able to afford to take both of us.. will you hate me if I leave you here..?" I cried to myself, when she wasn't paying attention, but I said, "No mom, one of us needs to get out of here.. one of us needs to be happy.."

Then she got cancer and died before she could.. she was going to escape.. but I guess no one gets out of here alive..

I miss old Chloe.. I think she's going to be alright with how she is now, with all the life experience she has, and what she's going to go through, I think she turned out for the better.. but still, I miss the old days..

I miss when I could be selfish, and everyone only lived for me.. I miss having a lot of friends, I miss being able to play games, and tell people I was busy, without worrying about them just ditching me because they don't care anymore.. I miss the time when no one did drugs.. not even Rochelle...

I miss old ellie, when I'd still call her Tifa.. the super goth, who'd cut herself, and had a crush on her best friend... the dark girl who would've honestly killed anyone for me.. back in the day, that is.

I miss ciel because she acts like Tifa used to, but she shows promise.. she has her future ahead of her, but she's too irrational.. I can't stick around, not right now, I don't have the patience..

I miss how innocent we all used to be.. I miss how everyone used to be a child, and now we're these ******** up adults, we're all so jaded and torn apart inside, if we were to see ourselves as kids, we wouldn't recognize ourselves..

I'd probably look at myself, see what I was going to have to go through, and end up killing myself, honestly.

I see how much harder life is going to be in the future, and I almost feel like giving up right now.. this is just the tip of the iceburg.. I'm not going to go through a rough patch, I'm going to go through a ******** rough road..

I'm tired.. I miss my youth.. I miss way back when I was a spoiled young kid, and my grandma was healthy as hell, she used to do everything with me.. back before my "other" side of the family had revealed themselves 110% to be nothing but scumsucking bastards..

I'm so tired right now.. I just want to get away.. I want people.. but I don't want them.. I want things to be the way they used to be.. I guess I brought this on myself, though..

I wanted Grandpas suffering to end, because he's just so ******** miserable... all he's done is drink and take pain pills since grandma died, not that I can blame him.. but he's been in physical, and emotional pain lately, so much pain.. that I'm partially happy he's gone, I'm relieved, because I know he's not going to suffer anymore. I know he's going to be okay, in his next life, he's going to be happy..

I want to be happy.. why can't I let myself be happy? Because my life is so depressing.. I'm not doing it to myself.. my life is doing it to me.. -sighs-

Life was great back in the day.. I loved to write, I was drawing, (I was actually getting better), life was easy back then.. the worst problem I had was taking my school tests.. the town was thriving, we had libraries, everything here was going great, it looked like our small town was going to become pretty big pretty quick...

And then everything just went to s**t.. -sighs again-

I don't know what to do anymore.. nothing makes sense, nothing feels real.. I'm just floating now.. I'm falling, I'm floating.. I don't even feel real anymore.. I don't exist, I'm just a pair of floating eyes and a mind.. maybe if I wish hard enough, and if I really believe it, I can will myself out of existence..

I want a time machine, I want to go back in time, and relive all my old pain.. I want to relive my old joy, my old life.. I want to be young and happy again...but even if I did, it wouldn't be the same, because now I'd know how it's all going to end..

I don't want to die.. I don't want Chloe to die... I just.. I don't want it..

I'm letting go of her.. I've been clutching too tight, I'm just pushing her away with my clingyness anyways.. we're just drowning in the ocean.. I'm going to propel her towards the surface, so she doesn't die.. and I'll just sink lower and lower..

I'll watch her as I go down, pray to lilith to keep her safe.. and then give myself as the final sacrifice.. If I swim towards the surface, Chloe will only try to pull me up, and drown herself in the process.. I'm a ten ton weight, I can only go down, I won't bring her down with me.. once I hit the bottom I'll just lie and wait, until the water fills my lungs and I pass on to the next life..

Maybe if I suffer enough in this life, I'll finally be able to be happy in the next, yeah?

I'll get to live a new life, I'll be happy then.. I'll be young, I'll be free.. I'll have a lot of friends, and parents who love me, and don't abandon me because they were too young to have had a kid..

I won't be as sensitive then either.. I'll be tough.. I may even be a girl, that'd be so nice.. and then I can look back at Chloe's work from her life, and cry.. then if she's still alive, I'll go see her, and not know why, but for some reason I'll have a very strong connection to her.. I'll be light then, and Choe will be on dry land, so she won't drown if she tries to pull me up then..

I'll look into her eyes and cry the most I've ever cried in any life time, because I love her so much, and knowing I left her will be too much for me to handle...

I just don't know anything anymore..

I feel so blank.. I feel so empty. I feel like nothing is important anymore.. nothing makes sense. I'm kind of confused, I don't know what's going to happen, it's all so surreal, I just want something stable to hold on to, so I feels safe, but there's nothing.. i'll just be falling forever..