Brief overview before I get into this. Contradictory to my last entry, I am taking a break from anime--my emotional capabilities have been depleted. I can analyze, ask good questions, and form sweet theories but there's no love and no empathy. Anime deserves better and, as I'm sure I've mentioned, I need that.
Made the mistake of watching CANAAN ep. 1 and 2 yesterday. I don't even....
It's training! Training! My goal is to do it all--I want to analyze and love. In anime and IRL! But it's so hard-! I did say this before; the combination of my mom and dad; not a good one at ******** all. Besides that the skin on my hands is both papery and reptilian with the most messed up cuticles you've ever seen.... Feeling is hard to do properly!! What should be hilarious is hardly amusing because it's impractical. What should be touching even for me--especially for me in recent case!--is just food for notebook pages full of theories and complaints.
I watched about half of Ghost just earlier; with Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore. Mom said it was really sad and I wanted to see if I'd get that. Thus far it wasn't, though I remain quite indifferent on the film's matter. I think--one of the reasons I've come to adore anime to such a desperate degree is, uh...how to say this? Hum. Err...they're not real? Nng. I loathe saying that, but that may be it. (Yeah, that's right, theorizing me. Type!) Blagh, no, don't wanna! Next!
Anyway, when Sam is being all appalled listening to Carl tell the murderer dude to get ride of Oda, I asked my mom if we could finish it another time. Anime withdrawals were becoming too painful. She said yeah and as I was stopping it, she remarked with a sigh that everyone always leaves her. Why is that?
"Because you're mean." Is my answer.
"Is that it?"
Not like, is that it, like there should be more, but like, "Is that so."
So then I say, "Pretty much."
Climbing the stairs now.
"That and you're crazy."
Had a few minutes prior rolled off the couch in pain of my anime sorrows, blaming it on her and genetics. She asked if that was why we were crazy. I replied that we weren't crazy. She asked if I was sure. Said yes, yes, I was! Of course I was thinking of that time when I thought I was crazy. Though i find "crazy" to be a relative term; sort of an affected medical excuse for just being a dumbass no matter what. This I stand by, but that wasn't on the mind at the moment.
Genetics definitely does deal a hand in this emotional madness (Or lack thereof) I'm thus suffering from currently, but I'll certainly apologize once I'm finished writing this. Really just wanted to get this down to keep the anime in the news of my life. I did watch the latest episode of Arakawa Under the Bridge (ep.3) today because it's just weird and quirky. Of course it opened with philosophy and I spent most of the episode questioning whether a scene was funny or not. It wasn't a terrible disaster. Or maybe it was.
The most deceiving thing about this is that I don't feel so bad... Well, I kind of feel ill right now but I'm more or less always ill. Though that could be deceit too. Sigh. Did I have something else to say? Oh, yes. I wanted to give myself some credit...
If I'm agonizing this much over not being able to produce enough of an emotional response to animes I think should elicit those responses naturally...then it should definitely mean I still do care? ********, wait. That's just the past talking! Nnngg. Remember that old entry where I paused on SJB and agonized over being too young to have lasting passion?
But this is just a phase? I used to believe it could be and it seemed like a mature thought! Rather than just give in to angst and apathy, I deemed it temporary and either tolerated it on a short leash or banished it from mind. But GENETICS!
I failed biology last semester. Am in course recovery for it now and failing still. Nnng. I...I'm so scared that I'll grow up to really be emotionally stubbed! Not that I totally think my parents are like that--s**t, I hardly know them.
For myself, by myself!!
For myself, my myself! It's hard going it alone! What was I thinking three years ago when I registered on Gaia? The date. I only noticed just yesterday, or the day prior. I can't depend on that! But I can't rely on myself too much either or I'll become conceited... This journal...it's so many "I"s... What to do....