I just finished watching Lady and the Tramp, thinking I could finally handle watching that movie and not crying...I was very wrong, heh. That movie has a special meaning for me because when I was dating Nick, that was the whole focus of our first date. He told me to dress pretty and he picked me up at my house in a suit. We walked through the park, the long way to his house and just talked. I don't even remember what we talked about, but I couldn't stop smiling...
When we got to his house, he had set up a little table in the living room with a single white rose (my favorite) in a vase. Of course, Nick brought out spagetti and we ate and watched the movie. I won't ever forget when he leaned over and kissed the pizza sauce of my face. I was really embarassed, but he took the rose, put it in my hands and said, "I will always love you, my little Lady." And then we had our first kiss...
It still hurts to remember, I really was in love with him, but...it doesn't feel like the same kind of love I'm feeling now. That love hurt me and Nick only liked me when I was someone else. The love that fills me up now is full and complete and warm and so many other indescribable feelings. I am happy and I feel it.
Love doesn't just disappear. It fades, but it's never truly gone. These memories still hurt me because Nick took a small piece of my heart, but I'll never love him like that again. Hopefully, I'll become strong enough to watch that movie without crying, but until then...the past will always remember when I was his Lady. I do sometimes wish that we had never met, but God makes each meeting special. Nothing happens without reason. During that time, Nick saved my life. How he did is between me, him, and the floorboards.
Ah, but I'm being depressing. I'm happily in love and Nick is doing just fine. Even if the air is still rather tense, we have almost gotten back to the state before we ever dated. We can't pretend it never happened and we can't ignore the memories we've made, but we can grow past that and be friends once again. That's all I really needed...
Ugh, I feel terrible bringing up my ex, but I needed to vent. Let me make this perfectly clear: I don't love him anymore. You'd have to be completely heartless not to feel sadness when you remember these sorts of things. So don't get mad at me. I just felt the need to let myself cry about it. This IS a journal after all. Besides, who's going to waste their time reading this? I am happy now, but I can't pretend like it didn't happen or that it didn't affect me.
This is me. Deal with it~
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Merlise's Notes
Take into consideration that this is my heart. Or a glimpse at it anyways.~
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Madam Merlise Shnieder
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