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I have problems...
No one really knows me...I wish that they did. I'm not skinny and I never have been and I doubt I ever will be. I'm sort of addicted to being online and never really doing anything with my life. I am sort of addicted to cigarettes and sometimes drinking (well only on the holidays) I'm only 20 years old, 21 on July 26th. I have no boyfriend or kids and I want both, I want to be married and have a family. My mom is going in for Gastric Bypass, my biological father I don't even know. I have a step father that's an idiot and a brother who wishes I was dead. I haven't had a nice home life and I doubt I ever will. I fear that I am going to die in this house much like my Grandmother did. I'm not good with math, I'm not good in anything but cooking/baking and hell I can't even keep my bedroom clean for that long. I'm lazy and I'm fat and I have no one that wants to love me for me. I use the word "love" pretty damn easily and I know I shouldn't. I guess that's the reason behind why most of the stuff that I do...I lie and sometimes I cheat. I had premarital sex because I thought that if I did that then he and I would be together forever. I regret it and no one knows that I do. I can't confide in my friends because I don't have that many. I hardly ever see the two friends that I do have offline and none of my friends online even know the whole truth. In general I'm not happy with my life and sometimes I wish I could just slit my wrists, or sometimes I just wish I hadn't of been born. I've got good self esteem even though my life is s**t and I don't have anyone I can really confide in. I can't talk to my mom because I feel like she won't even see me and I can't talk to my step father because he truly doesn't care. I also can't talk to my brother, because like I said, he wishes I was dead. He and I aren't on speaking terms and I can bet that if I did decide to off myself he would just sit at his computer and continue to play WoW. I wish that I was someone else, someone famous and some one rich so I could help my family with the bills. I can't seem to find a proper job to help with the bills, I'm not a smart girl and I need help making my life right. I wish I wasn't a dumbass, I wish I wasn't lazy, and I wish that I could get out more but I'm truly scared of the outside world. I don't know what to do.
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