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The hardest thing about being lost is admitting it |
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I tried finding a more sutiable picture for this entry but technology was not working with me well right now  . So here is a vocaloid pic that somewhat conveys the post's tone.
Sure, being “lost” itself is hard, but I find the hardest part (aside from having no direction) is admitting you are lost.
Admitting anything negative is a tough pill to swallow. I find admitting one’s wrong doings or faults extremely hard for some reason. It might be a personality trait or some inner psychological reason but that’s too much to retrospect on right now. The point is that I have a hard time confronting personal problems. I’ve been this way since young and each time an inner-personal problem appears I turn the other way and zone it out till it practically slaps me upside the head. Either the problem has to beat me down to almost defeat or someone (Usually one of my parents) slaps reality on me. Right now, the problem is reaching its climax.
My father once told me that I am my own worst enemy. His words hold true. Almost all of my failed attempts (In whatever) were due to my own sabotage, whether unconscious or conscious. Procrastination being the main poison of choice or really drug of choice, since I get a buzz/relief then suffer the consequences. My problem of not facing the “now” is always messing with my actions.
Right now I am not facing up the fact that I still have another paper to write by Tuesday (Tomorrow). Instead I procrastinate making some frivolous twisted truth to back me up in procrastinating. It is not just the paper that I am procrastinating, it’s my whole life.
I have my entire life in my hands right now. My future well-being, career, financial, health, everything, is in my hands right now! Now is the time to take action to make my dreams come true yet cause it is a difficult road, I procrastinate all the important decisions. Why I procrastinate, is because I’m lost, that is the underlining problem (Or one of them). I have no direction in my life right now.
When I don’t know where I will place my next step, I freeze. Usually I improvise and move along but when I start to panic and over think, I completely freeze. I stop and go nowhere, making justifications for my stopping. “I have to wait for the right opportunity” or “There’s nothing I can do about it right now. It is out of my hands”, all bullshit! Nothing won’t change till I physically do something about it. I have to face the problem and just grin and bear it. Why is it so hard for me to do that?
How did I get lost?
My mother always lamented over if I should, as she would say “fall between the cracks” and she would verbalize her concern often to me. I understood what she meant but I did not see myself falling in the cracks. At that time I was strong with confidence that I’d be damn if I lost my way, but my mother knew better. She had been done the road that I am now in and she knew all too well that in life there are many wide cracks.
I first fell in when she left this world. I felt the pain of my fall for a long time. Once I was healed enough I navigated my way through the crevices but I had not admitted that I was lost. I was determined not to be lost and kept moving, making unnecessary mistakes along the way.
I hate admitting when I lose my way. So I wander around tirelessly till I find way, retracing every step till I found my destination. This method always works when I am physically lost but not in a metaphoric way.
I’ve wasted too much time wandering and it is now starting to wear me out.
I don’t know what I want to do with my life. What career should I pursue? I need to know before I take my next step. I have many interest and passions, but do not know which one to pursue and how to pursue it. Those days of thinking and wishing what I want to be when I grow up are over and now I must take action on it. I need to know my purpose in this world. I need a goal to reach, a real goal not some half-a** one that I blow off. I want something tangible to pursue.
I can accomplish what I want to do, but I need to know “what I’m pursuing” then I’ll get there. My dad said “once I want to do something, I always find a way”.
Why am I lost? Why can’t I break free of its grip? I could b***h a whole lot more about a bunch of stuff, but the bottom line is that I’m lost big time. And as I b***h about all of this, I am still standing still, not changing anything. I need out! Why do the crevices look so tall?
Ok, I helped out Peyo. Will restore sig later. Right now I'm gonna induldge in my current fandom!  USxUK ftw!  TrigunCat4 · Mon Jan 25, 2010 @ 11:25am · 1 Comments |
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