This weekend was fun. I had a whole three days off from work, so naturally I took the advantage to spend my days off with my boyfriend. I got a drive out to his house, stopping along the way for supermarket browsings and coffee and donuts, then made it out to the far-off countryside where he lives. (okay, it's not as far or countryside-ish as I'm making it sound, but it's at least a 15-20 minute drive from the city or something)
Our plans were to watch anime and play Vesperia. Well, surprisingly we actually did everything. XD First night we mostly just watched movies though. He made me watch The Onion or something like that (it was mostly a parody of media, kind of like those Teen movies but less crude) and American Pie the Book of Love. (which tbh I rather enjoyed) and in return I made him watch Forrest Gump, because the silly boy had never seen the whole thing, and then we played Vesperia together before going to bed.
The next day was more Vesperia until Damian died after taking the controller from me when fighting some assassins, and I had forgot to save so we had a shitload to play back through, so I did a brattish thing and proclaimed I didn't really feel like playing anymore because I was frustrated. Yeah... I'm kind of a b***h that way... -.-
So then Damian recommended we watched Eden of the East. At first I wasn't sure about the concept he gave to me, though I'd heard on /a/ it was good, but he pretty much just threw it on and I started watching it and lo and behold, it was rather interesting. We ended up marathoning the whole thing before we went to bed.
I spent that whole night being a little more restless and fighting him for the blankets all night. It gets really cold out there because they don't really have any indoor heating besides these little portable heater towers... not that Damian would have to worry, I constantly claim that boy's insides must be on fire. His skin is without fail always toasty warm, but I guess I was too stupid in my half-asleep state to think about giving up on the blanket tug-o-war and just clamping onto him for my life. Still not all that used to sleeping with someone else, though it's much nicer then sleeping alone... And it's weird, but I actually do sleep very well with him more times then not... I say it's weird because that's different then my prior experiences.
We had to wake up at like seven o'clock so Damian could be driven to school, whilst I was dropped off at the mall so I could catch a bus. I was supposed to go see him at lunch so we could go get more coffee and donuts together, but before I got out of the van I admitted I probably wouldn't make it due to exhaustion. I planned to just crash when I got home since I was falling asleep on the spot. Aptly, when I got home, I did just that. I had been genuinely falling asleep on the goddamned bus. But I think I might of upset him a little by calling off that plan for selfish reasons... I don't blame him, but I'm kind of mad at myself for doing that... He'd probably just say "it's alright" or "I wasn't upset" but there was that vibe there, you know? Not that my intuition is always right, but...
Maybe it's because of that I've been feeling so weirdly down all day. Or just hormonal moodswings, or something. I'm sure all will be well when I talk to him later tonight.
Anyway, I slept pretty much the whole day. Then showered and ... yeah, here I am. I dunno, it's been a while since I made an entry so I thought I should. I used to write in here all the time about my boyfriends, but they were mostly for worse.
Damian is the best boyfriend I've ever had. He doesn't ******** around with me, he doesn't lie to me, he doesn't make me feel paranoid or inferior, in fact it's entirely the opposite. He really makes me feel special and loved. Sometimes I can hardly believe that someone like him, who has everything a girl could possibly want, stays with someone who can be as arrogant and frustrating at times as myself. But.. he always tells me not to think that way. So maybe I'll just be thankful in private. Praise the deity that finally listened to my prayers and gave me someone that makes me so happy, and who I can make happy too.
But when he talks about a future together with confidence, I always try to be realistic. I know we might not last forever. Hell, we might not outlast the year. Anything can happen. But I'm a strong believer in fairytale love, so ... I'm not gonna dare hope that we'll end. I don't really want to be that girl who wants to experiment in life before settling down. I don't care about that. All I've ever really wanted was someone who I can love, and who loved me, maybe enough to start a family someday. I wonder if I'm different from a lot of other girls in that way. I'm not very ambitious at all, really. That's pretty much my only dream.
You know though, I haven't said I love him yet though. I don't really wonder anymore whether or not I do, as I had so little as even a week or two ago, maybe. I think of it with absolute certainty now, but I want those words to be special. I don't want to say them too soon, or too cheaply. I want to convince him, and myself, that those are words and feelings I don't just give to anyone. The times I've used them in the past have only burnt me. It makes them hard to say now, even though I don't fear rejection, the memory of a curse associated with them makes me hesitant. It's only brought me misfortune before.
But I don't think Damian would thrust onto me that same cold misfortune that others had. I already know he cares about me more then that.
In fact, he called me while I was in the middle of writing about this, coincidentally enough. And I was just being silly - he told me the reasons for why I'd been thinking he was upset with me. Heh... I guess even now I can't shake the habits of the past.
I'll be able to manage it one of these days. To tell him I love him with confidence.
I think even then things will go on being much better then just okay.
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