Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

It’s 12/08/09 10:07am I just started the movie minority report and my god there is a lot on my mind so I may ramble for a while this time.
Well I’m depressed today to start off it’s the bad kind to I feel sick to my stomach like I’m going to puke but at the same time so very numb. I don’t think anyone feels me or understands me not my friend not my family its not there fault its just how I feel its lonely and all that s**t. Why cant I just get a job or something so at least I have something to do to keep my mind off of things I don’t have and the things I cant do. I need to get the ******** out of this house more than once or twice a week for just a couple of hours being alone is just making things worse.
On another note I cant help but feel I have no future. All I can see in my future is what I see today nothing going on nothing going to happen and nothing to look forward to. I’m not getting my debt paid off when will that happen. Even if I get money I cant use it for fun or anything I really want. What about collage. I don’t think I will get to go in the spring like I wanted. if I cant go now when will I go? Next fall? what will be any different then? What makes me think I can even get my s**t together by then anyway? And a job even if I get one what makes me think I will make enough money to even get thing rolling.
drugs drugs drugs o yes drugs I want them and I wish I didn’t because I know I really don’t want them. I was clean for so long but screwed up this weekend. Part of me was glad I did I relaxed so much all my stress was gone. Then again I didn’t enjoy it as much as I used to. Maybe because… ******** I don’t know why I don’t like pot anymore I just didn’t enjoy it. But on the other hand I don’t want to deal with s**t anymore its just to much some days
I want a life again. I want a job, I want to go back to school, I want my own place, and I want a girlfriend again. I just want s**t to feel like I have a future and to make me feel better at the end of the day. But I cant get any of this because I don’t have anything to start with. I don’t have a car so I’ve had to turn down 2 jobs. So wtf am I to do. I’m losing hope here I wanted to do so much with my life after I got out of jail but now I don’t even feel like trying.
Maybe its time to get some medication like some prozac or something. My mother said she would do that for me but then what. I’m going to go look for a job with one of my friends now. Just because if I get a job maybe I will feel like there is a point again and maybe I will get feeling in my body and my soul again. It’s just going through the motions at this point well until I do something fun at least. Then I want to get s**t done but soon after I realize the futility of it and go down a dark path again. There it one person that I cant help but smiling when I hear from them and especially when I’m around them. Well that in itself almost seems pointless now a days making things even colder.
I’m getting better at guitar. Very cool but again it wont go anywhere but it makes me feel good so I’ll keep playing.