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Warning: Some posts have been written when I have been feeling ill. Those have been colored white and marked with stars to show the warning level.
Bad day.
++++ Bad day.
Today I've had a strong sinusitis all day... had to blow my nose loads of times, and the pressure hurts beneath my forehead...

So... that's in itself a bad day.

To top it off... I dealt with old emotions today. I had taken nose drops to help my nose calm down, so I was lying in my bed in the darkness to let it flow in...

The repressed emotions came knocking kinda... I've been poking at them for a bit, trying to get them to open up.

Was mainly fear, but also a bit of anger... I've had similar (or worse) things on five occasions now, so it wasn't that surprising... still hurts though, eyes started tearing, breath got heavier... foster position as always.. started shaking, cried a little, hyperventilating. Started to get dizzy too a bit, due to the oxygen overload you get when hyperventilating apparently.

Anyways... I was thinking of that time, in the machine... the fear, the immense fear, I felt when I looked at the drill... not really fearing it as much as what it symbolized... I knew I had to do something before I got killed, and I had maybe one minute. Luckily. Could've been nothing at all, but I didn't go in before it was finished. I was screaming at it... not out loud, but nevertheless. A few times, but each time was til I ran out of breath.

Anyways... then I thought some about those who had locked me in... beat the bed some, growling at their unforgivable(?) error...

I aborted when my nose got too stuffed, sinusitis + the stuffing any nose gets when crying isn't a good mix I suppose.


Anyways... the cold and the angst attack or whatever you wish to call it made this day really rough... I'd lie if I said it was my worst these 2.5 years, but it was still really bad.

First time I've cried over how bad my day has been I think. Definately hasn't happened the last two years before. I guess that shows how bad my day was as well as how far I've gotten.

*sigh* I know I've gotten so far.. but... it still really really hurts :/ Hopefully I'll some day feel it was worth it, I sure know it hasn't been yet.

Did a test a week ago or so... some MADRS test apparently, 9 questions, 0-6 scale.
I did it before I started poking, was "happier" then. Got 14, which means lightly depressed. (0-12 normal, 13-20 lightly depressed, 20+ depressed.) Checked what I was when I was at my worst, got 42. As comparision, 40+ is "Being put into psychiatric clinic should be considered, depending on suicidal tendencies, family support etc". I got 6/6 on the suicidal tendencies question...






User Comments: [1] [add]
[Loveless]Ritsuka
Community Member
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commentCommented on: Mon Aug 07, 2006 @ 11:06pm
*Huggles*... sad It'll get better yeah!!


User Comments: [1] [add]
 
 
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