I stopped the last one because I noticed that Ryne logged on, there's no point in hiding it. she's the one I can't get out of my head. it's no surprise really when you realize how obsessed I was with her. I'm still obsessed. I wish I wasn't. I thought I'd take her old advice and write out what I'm feeling. She always told me that writing helps. Besides she wanted me to write more. this isn't helping at all... really i'm just feeling more depressed. but I guess it's as they say, things usually get worse before they get better.
It's probably not even her on, it's probably L that's on. i really don't care.
I'm just tired of all this s**t. and I mean tired. I still have that problem with finding it extremely hard to sleep. insomnia or whatever... I get off the computer at midnight and lay in my bed staring at the ceiling until I either pass out or my alarm clock goes off for school. I haven't slept in two days.
All i can do now is wait. Wait for Ryne to become my friend again (0% chance), wait for the girl I like to dump her boyfriend that she had to get just a few days before Ryne tore my heart out, wait for something interesting to happen, or wait for me to die.
I don't care who reads this, I doubt anybody will, if they do I doubt they'll say anything. Sure they're all quick to accept my kind words and my shoulder to cry on but when I need somebody, where the hell are they?
I had this idea about using the rope on the swings to hang myself, but hanging seems too slow. besides I still get her damn voice in my head.
If I had access to a gun then there'd be no problem.
It'd be over before her voice popped up, no pain, and no worrying.
I doubt anybody at school suspects anything.
I tried to tell rachel, but she completely ignored the notion. I said "Rachel, if I said something or asked you something serious, would you respond seriously" she said it depends. didn't ask me if something was up, no no, just went on about saying something or other is racist, which I didn't see how at all when the same goddamn rule applies to all of us. She sees everything as being racist. Well at least everything I point out.
That reminds me, more people than ever ignore my suggestions now. Rachel, Megan, a few others and my own parents completely ignore what I say.
I could point out something that completely helps them and they ignore me. then somebody else will say the exact same thing and they'll go "that's a great idea".
a lot of things are pissing me off lately.
actually there hasn't been one person that I know of that I haven't been pissed off about.
Well except for Jesse, but I've barely gotten to talk to her. God I miss her. She was the first. really the first. Ryne was her substitute. but thanks to her goddamned aunt I never got to talk to her. now she's moved to Iowa and I talk to her even less.
The only joy I've had lately is driving home by myself from something. especially at night. the windows down, the radio blaring, and the road rolling under my wheels at 65+ mph with empty road to the front and back of me. I feel so alone but so much at peace.
Tonight after my parents go to sleep I think I'll just drive a bit.
Funny thing is I never think about killing myself on the road. not once.
when it'd be the easiest time to do it.
her life is good while mine turns to s**t. at least she's happy.
but I'm not, so what's the point?
I guess that's pretty egocentric of me but w.e.
I don't deserve happiness and I know that. I just want some. I know I know, I ******** up everything... more later