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Badattitude666's Rants
plan eh. everything i want anyone to know i will write here
Where to start...
alright last week friday got a call from my grandma she told me to tell my mom to pack and we were going to michigan early "time was short" (referring to my uncle who has been battling lung cancer for about a year now) so we got home as quick as possible and i dumped my backpack on the floor of my room and proceded to grab pants and shirts for the trip. i grabbed my cd player and my cd's because i knew it was going to suck while i was up there. my grandma showed up at the house around 1 pm or so. we threw our stuff in the van and took off 4 hours later we were at their house. i opened the door and walked in to find the house frantic...people were busying themselves trying to not emphasize the man in the hospital bed contorted in pain and being kept alive by a respirator...it was terrible to see him like that. but i stayed upstairs until about 2 am with everyone. family and friends were all there and everyone kept saying how much i was like him...the long hair...the smart a** i dont care attitude...the beard...their all right i look just like him. i've seen his baby pictures next to mine you'd think we were brothers if he wasn't 44 and me 17. i didn't want to go to the hotel on friday night so i crashed in the basement. i woke up at about 7 am...5 hours of sleep was enough to keep me going that day. and saturday night around 9 pm...i heard him stop breathing.........i didn't know what to think i just knew i couldn't hear him drawing air any longer...and everyone started to cry right away...all his friends from work and from high school, my mom, aunt, grandma, his wife and daughter...my sister...everyone cried and cried and i remember i went outside on the patio with my uncles dog...sasha (aka my puppy because i'm the one who takes care of her when i'm up in michigan) i sat on the snow and propped my head against the railing and i just bawled my eyes out like i a little kid for about 2 minutes...and then i just stopped i looked over and sasha was nudging me with her head...so i got up and i ran around with her for a while until she went back to the door like she wanted to go inside so i opened the door and walked back in with her. i went back to the basement and fell asleep again...i heard a car pull up it was the hearse from the funeral home...they called down the stairs and told me to come up. people had walked off to get some air...and drown their sorrows in alcohol (how i wished i could have been drunk at the time) and they man from the funeral home asked me and rob (my uncles friend) to help move the body.......rob and the funeral director covered my uncle and i walked to the foot of the bed and lifted his feet while rob and the funeral director carried his upper body...(he died with his boots on...shows what kind of guy he was) we put him on the stretcher and carried him out the door...over the sidewalk and to the driveway, into the hearse. they closed the door and i went back ******** all the crying people i thought and i went to the basement and just sat there staring at the blank walls for a while until i fell asleep again. somebody woke me up and told me we were going to the hotel...i dont know if it was still saturday night or sunday morning or what...but i got up and walked to the van and fell asleep as soon as i closed the door...they woke me up again and i walked into the hotel room and laid down on the floor and crashed out again. slept until sunday afternoon when someone woke me up not sure who. i got up and walked around for a while, went back to the house and played with the dogs before feeling pretty ill...turns out i hadn't eaten since friday at around noon. so i ate and felt better. i fed sasha (my puppy of course) a large piece of the christmas ******** should have known i'd feed her mass quantities of food while i was there...i dont feel like covering the rest of christmas day. monday at around 6 am michigan time 5 am wisconsin time i woke up got dressed got packed tossed everything in the van and we drove back to wisconsin, i signed onto gaia and aim checked my e-mail and read some webcomics for a bit...packed fresh clothes of course and i showered. took off back up to michigan and got back around 8pm. we went straight to the hotel and i fell asleep until tuesday morning. i watched tv all day tuesday...didn't eat. fell back asleep around 11 pm. and was woke back up at 2 pm on wednesday. i got dressed...and waited till 5 when everyone else finished getting ready and we went to the funeral. i sat in back by myself and away from the family and even the friends...clad in black my hair in my face and head tilted down, left arm adorned with red, black, blue, and pink bracelets...right hand bearing 3 large steel bands sufficing as rings upon my index, middle, and ring fingers, boy must i be a site at a funeral. i sat there and listened to the words of the minister...just because i may not believe in god doesn't mean i wont listen to someone who does. she said nice things about my uncles...it was good. and then tina stood up (family friend a tough a** 40 something year old lady...who i've never seen cry until that moment when she began to speak) she talked of the family...and how much ken (my uncle) loved his family and how he spoke of us...and then she read a poem and she just barely kept it together...and i heard everyone crying and i realized i wasn't making any noise...my throat was clenched my nails were dug into my palms and my face was wet...i was crying but the tears were just flowing...and flowing...i made no sound i didn't shudder and didn't try to breath...just cried. eventually it stopped and i was able to compose myself before the funeral ended. i've been writing for a long time...and this covers everything for now. at least everything thats happened so far.
i've tried calling my girlfriend a dozen times since i got back...her phone was disconnected apparently so i can't talk to her...and i haven't heard her sweet voice in what seems like forever...i miss her like nothing compares...the touch of her skin against mine, being able to embrace her tightly as she sank her teeth into my shoulder...i just want to hold her against me and forget about the past week...i just want to be with her. i love her more than i thought possible yet here i sit unable to hear her voice and unable to hold her hand for even a moment...i never want to lose her...ever.

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