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Now there is nothing left to say |
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Hello!
Sorry it has been such a long time since I last update my journal. Busy busy life.
Just this late night/ early morning, I lost my great aunt to terminal stomach cancer. I feel really bad for her, since she suffered a lot towards the end, but I feel for my cousins even more so. Not only did they lose their mother, grandmother, sister, etc. but they had to watch her with the knowledge of her short time.
Some people say they would want to know when they or love ones are going to die, so they can make the best of the time they have left and say their peace and good-byes. But alas in reality it’s no better than a sudden death. Is there a better or good death? I think not.
Even with the knowledge of ones inevitable demise, there is never enough time to say good-bye or say an epic speech claiming ones love for the person, like in the movies or in literature. When the time comes most will never say what is one their heart, leaving the words that were never said.
The night my mother was packing to go to the hospital to have surgery before she died, I remember watching her pacing back and forward from room to room, as she gathered up her necessities and other important matters, as I was on the computer, typing up an assignment for school. I had this gut feeling at the bottom of my heart that this was the last time I was going to get to tell her I love her, how much I appreciate her and how much she has done right by me, but despite this deep intuition, I could never find the right words to say, and instead kept my mouth shut. I watched her uneasily as the night wore on, saying to myself “There will be another time to say that”. I passed up my time for an epic “I love you” speech, just as many of other people have.
When someone close to you passes, everyone says “I’m so sorry” or something to that degree. But nothing can be said to make it better. It’s sad, because everyone truly means what they say and want to express their concern, sadness and love but in the end there is nothing right that can be said.
When I saw my cousins today, all I could do was hug them. There was nothing to say. To say “How are you” or “I’m so sorry” would be dumb to say. I can clearly see the hurt in their faces and it’s unnecessary to say sorry. Understanding where they were coming from, the hurt, the pain, the sadness, and the shock, all I could do was embrace them and pray for the pain to go away. How I wish I could make it better and relieve the pain, but there was nothing I could do for my beloved loved ones but be with them. Praying and wishing for them.
Back to the last night I spent with my mother. It was past midnight and I was still doing homework and my mother was just getting into bed. She was silent the whole night. A heart sinking feeling was stirring inside me since I never said what was on my mind. So I went over to my mother’s room where she was laying down already and kneeled down to be with her. She turned around and she hugged me and said “I love you baby”, and I said “love you too. Good night.”. And I walked out of the room, finished my homework and went to sleep. When I awoke the next morning I went to her room. It was empty.
Now there’s nothing left to say.
 TrigunCat4 · Thu Aug 06, 2009 @ 07:36am · 0 Comments |
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