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Emptiness (venting my feelings) |
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Lately, i have been bored and sad.. almost forgotten. There are reasons why, but i dont wish to speak of them at this moment in time.. I just wish to find an answer to my problems.. problems that seem solved but i feel like they're not sometimes. I just don't know what the problem is. I wish i could go somewhere and just be by myself sometimes but ,at the same time, i want one specific person to be by my side yet i still dont want anyone to even think of me or shroud my brain with unwanted thoughts. I feel alone, i feel like i have nothing to do, i feel, empty because there is nothing i can do. I try to draw, i try to play my keyboard, i try to fill my head with things of enjoyment but they never replace my true feelings, my true happiness.. and i know they never could. Just objects, mear things, play things ,for a persons enjoyment.. but they do not give me as much of the satisfaction as it does for others.. They don't make me happy for long. They don't make me laugh, they don't make me feel like i'm at peace and relaxed or that my troubles are no longer a problem.. All they do is distract me.. its a temperary happiness, a temperary enjoyment that soon fades when i am finished or decided that i have had enough. Then, a kncok bangs on the imaginary doors of my soul and i open the door, and there stands my lonliness, the emptiness... It comes back and never truly leaves. I feel disatisfied, like nothing i do or say is good enough to satisfy my needs, my emotional need. I feel empty, and lost, just wandering without any purpose. Some days i feel as if i can no longer tolerate such lonliness or emptiness anymore. Others, i feel light as a feather, but i tend to question it, i begin to question at that moment if i am truly happy.. i can't fight it, i cant fight reason. And everytime i admit to my lonliness i fail to regain my happiness.. I feel like i am in a dark and cold pit, trying to claw my way out, find some type of light that may shed on my emptiness, my nothingness.. but everyday, nothing comes, it may shine frequently, or it may shine away from me, showing me the happiness and fullness that i could have and need then it fades, tauning me. I tend to rely on the one person who gives me comfort, but sadly he is no where near me, i cannot touch his face nor kiss him goodnight and it kills me from the inside and everyday even though i may be smiling on the outside, i'm secretly dying on the inside, my heart burning to ash, rotting like an apple, forgotten, dropped into a garbage or rotting under a tree, waiting for it to be rescued from the darkness and death it embraces. My heart aches and twists and turns because i cannot see the one i love. But all i know is that i must wait, wait for love.. for my heart , that lies in the hands of my boyfriend,far away from here.. Waiting for my heart to become complete, he has the other half of my heart, and without it i tend to thrive on the half heart i have inside me. that lies within my own hands. I hold it out,everyday, waiting for him to find it, for him to come to me and show me the other half of my heart. But those days count down.. slowly, passing by, one day at a time.... nothing. Its difficult, i know, but i go through it because i love him and i couldnt dream of living in a world without him, living a normal life without him being in it. i just couldnt. My emptiness will linger inside me till i am dead and free. I know that to be true. I just wish that there was some way of knowing when i will fully recover from this emptiness, this nothingness, boredom of wishing and waiting. I am not sure, and i'll never be sure. But i hope that one day i may be able to laugh and smile, knowing that i am truly happy, truly at comfort, content with myself and my life.I hope that day comes soon....
XxBrokenAngel22xX · Sat Jul 18, 2009 @ 07:31pm · 0 Comments |
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