I'm REALLY debating whether I should post this or not. I've already pushed my luck far enough, and I don't know what you're thinking. so, yea. I'm going to push it more. Because, hey, what more can I lose? I've lost almost everything and everyone that means something to me.


So now thinking, we can never be as close as we were. Through all these friendships I've realized that no friendship is always perfect. You help a person through a hard time, and the other person also helps, then it continues on. That isn't always how it goes though, along those times, you have a lot of fun. Sleep overs, competitions, going places together...you just have fun.
But, that isn't how I roll.
I discovered that I can't become attached to a person, and if I do, I'll ruin them.
you see, I have a lot of demands.
I need to those demands, and if I don't, I get snappy.
If someone helps me a bit, I consider them a good friend.
And...if they don't help me anymore, I get hurt. Then I hurt them and so on.
But now, I realized that isn't the way it should work.
A friendship is two parts: One part coming from each person.
What I was doing, I was expecting both parts to come from each person, making it an unfair friendship.
And, frankly, that doesn't work. and can never work.
I honestly don't know where I am going with this, but I have a destination in mind.
Remember back in... June of 2008? I do. It was when I sent that one email, talking about criticism. It was about how I hate your criticism, and I was tired of it all.
I was blaming it all on YOU.
and none on ME.
It was both our faults, but if it was the way you grew up...just speaking your mind, then I can see that.
But, I never told you to stop. and if I did, it was never full out. I never told you how I felt about it or anything.
So now, with my mind clear, I can see who's fault it is.
both of ours.

noooow, remember w*y back to seventh grade. May of 2008 it is. I was writing to you, saying how people are tearing me up. If you didn't know, seventh grade was when my depression started. I was sounding so pathetic, not even knowing that it was the start to something that would get bigger.
I don't know what I'm going to say about that email, it was when our friendship was in a bit of a rut, right? I believe so. so I don't know where I'm going with this now...

Hm. I doubt you want to read them again, but if for any reason you do, I still have have them. I really do.
So, I'm done for now.
I don't want your forgiveness, I just really felt I had loose ends I needed to clarify a bit...
I believe we have found common ground now.
and for me, that is good.
Because I can communicate to you indirectly