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I just got into a reality check with my big sis. Or so I like to call her. She is in reality my cousin that I feel so much respect for. I want to really show her that I can still be someone in this world but I find my ways to do so secluded by fate or my own defeatist attitude. I want to try harder and become someone that can make everyone proud, or at least shove it up the faces of those who never believed in me. I cant call myself a failure until I have finally drawn my last breath and leaped off this mortal coil.

I wonder if my assumptions are correct in any sense and I happen to be as they say a gifted person. I was hoping I could be at least a normal person. But this one human being this amazing person has thought me about how little I know about living a life and I start to feel sorry for myself. I as usual have no guidance and my own decisions are hardly reliable on any situation. When having the little self confidence of a mouse trapped in a tiger cage. It seriously hurts that people around you cant take you seriously due to your lifestyle being completely different to theirs. So I draw inspiration from games and entertain myself for most of the day. Even I can't make heads or tails of my current writing. I just keep writing what comes to mind as I grow ever so sleepy in the middle of the night.

I wish I could go back to the moment I took the wrong turn and began walking backwards spiraling down into my own sad little shell of unconsciousness and solitude. To become a much different person than who I currently am. Whining on this journal however wont change a thing and neither will the fact of me wishing to change the past affect the future in any substantial way. My only escape for now is to improve the present to get a brighter future

I have to work hard for my sake and for everyone. I have no clue on to what to write about anymore but I happen to believe that maybe if I am to work on anything at all I could escape the grasp of this horrible depression that grabs me by the throat in an attempt to asphyxiate all of my wishes to live

And on a side note to that special person if you're reading this. You know who you are and thank you I will try hard to improve my own self. Because I wont be defeated by myself or by the others I still have some fight left within me And I will rekindle my desire to live and become a better person all in all