[[This is from back when I still had my bf. But as to date I am not attacted.]]
Current mood: worried
You know I really debated about weither I should make this private or not. In the end I decided that I should let people see what I'm thinking.
This applies to everyone: If you don't tell people what you're thinking then they'll never know and you'll always have to wonder what would happen if you'd said something.
People tell me I'm wise beyond my 14 years. That depends, I know I know a lot more on certain subjects then people know, but I also know that I can add things (be they true or false) that will make what I say sound right.
My name is currently Jessi [Live life the the fullest]
I always say that, or at least think it. I am one of those people that thinks and believes and supports that if you don't do something you may regret it.
I know that a lot of what I think back tracks me to boys. You wouldn't know that, however because you are not me.
Now I once heard a little thing that is true, 100% true. I know it.
Boys come to an apple tree [The apples being girls] they want the best apples higher up, but why work that hard? They always choose the rotten ones on the bottom.
This doesn't mean that every girl with a boyfriend is a horrable person [Heck I'd be putting myself down] it just means that most boys wouldn't, and don't, go for the better girls because they are scared.
Back away to something else.
I've written about this before cause it bothers me. No matter how hard I try I still think, and know, that I am different. Yes we're all differnent, Jessica shut up.
I don't know what it is, but I am seriously different from all the other kids I know. In ways I can relate, I can agree. But in to many I can't, with anyone.
It makes me feel alone and far off, when I know I am actually held close by my friends.
I've never told them before and I still don't think that I could tell them to their faces, but chances are they'll read this because they care.
As they know, I have a journal in which I record my dreams, if I remember. It'd be a lot more full if I recorded these dreams too.
I don't really dream them, but they come into my head and I feel them all to much.
They're about me loosing everyone I love. Everything I know and everything I care about.
I think it's because I am most afraid of that, just that.
It doesn't help when people say things to me that they find, no problem or whatever.
Usually I think the same way, but a few comments I don't.
Now someone tells me they hate me my response is: I hate you too. No, I hate you more.
Someone tells me they don't like my clothes/hair. My reasponse: I don't like your face so I guess we're even.
Certain comments I can't help but hurt from.
The ones that no one says to you, but you see in their eyes.
Those questions are hard to put into words. There's not really a way to explain them.
Now, I havn't the slightest idea if you've ever had those comments or not, but I have and they hurt badly.
When I was at Casacde Christian I got a lot of those because of who I am.
I've told people about the wall around my heart and you know what?
It's getting worse.
I know I'm blocking more out, there are times when I don't even know what I'm feeling.
The day I can't feel anymore is the day I will die.
Why live life if I can't live it to the fullest because my wall is to damn strong, to thick?
I really need someone to come along who can break the wall.
They may already be here, they just need a little more time.
I just hope that this bad feeling I have will go away.
I have a feeling my good luck will end soon and I really don't want that.
As I type those words I can feel the knot in my stomach grow tighter.
I hate having these bad feelings and I'm scared.
Life comes at you fast, but reality comes at you faster
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