I have written and rewritten this entry several times over. I just don’t know what I want to say. I had hoped it would be passed along why I suddenly disappeared after what was supposed to be a brief hiatus from the site while I became accustomed to my new job and the 18 units I had signed up for that quarter, but after talking with a few people over the past year it seems no one knew what happened. In some attempts at this entry I just said everything bluntly and others I detailed out every painful moment and in the end I don’t what is the better way to handle this. I’m sorry if this is too long. Skip to the end and look for the bolded part if you feel the need to not read this entry, but note this will probably be my last entry for a very long time unless something changes.

My dog, Mickie, died one year ago today (February 8.). She was my everything ever since she was born January 31, 1992. I had missed her birthday because of trying to get ahead on homework so I could still help with Gaia so I was planning to make it up to her that weekend and go home. As well as come off from my brief hiatus.

“Is my baby okay?” I barely choked out when my mom went silent after telling me she needed to check on Mickie because she hadn’t been doing well when she left for work that morning. “I’m so sorry,” was all she said to me. I got off the phone with her and I screamed. I screamed long and loud probably letting all my brother’s neighbors know I was in agony. For the first time in months I wanted to break my promise to never attempt suicide again and just take a knife from the kitchen and plunge it straight into my heart. But I didn’t.

I attempted to call the one friend I knew wasn’t at work and even though he was with someone else at the time I hoped and prayed he’d be able to pick up. His phone was off and his voicemail wasn’t set up. I toyed with the idea of calling his house which would break yet another promise I’d made to never call it unless I had specific permission for that call (ah, the fun of having personal information about online friends and their parents not knowing), but again my integrity won out and I didn’t do it. So for over an hour I lay collapsed on the ground sobbing my pain out to the silence. I have never felt so alone in my life.

My mom must have called my brother because he was home a lot sooner than usual from work and was suddenly there holding me and letting me cry on his shoulder. May not seem like a big deal, but we rarely get along. He thinks I’m insane. So for him to just let me cry on him was a huge thing. Mom got there about an hour after him and I spent the rest of the evening crying on her until I had nothing left and just passed out from exhaustion.

I knew I wouldn’t be coming back and alerted a couple people at Gaia of this fact and to just de-mod me. I was a wreck and it was going to take everything I had just to get through school and work. As it was I didn’t even eat for a few days afterwards. I couldn’t. I was that screwed up from what someone might think almost nothing of.

For those who know me, you know why this hit me so hard and why even one year later it just hurts more. A friend suggested I go see a therapist because it really isn’t healthy this hurts more and more every day. He’s probably right. But I don’t have the time. I work 20-25 hours a week and I have 18 units this quarter like usual. And even though it’s stressful I need the constant distraction. Moments where I have time to think, or in cases like this where I deliberately take the time to think, I just start crying all over again.

I am sorry if I offended anyone by disappearing. And I further apologize if anyone is offended I won’t be able to come back in any shape or form to this site like I used to. The Gaia I loved and enjoyed helping moderate is gone. Not many know I was modded specifically for the Cosplay and Conventions subforum because I was helping Gaia at conventions long before I even joined the website (or had a clue what it was that drove people so gaga). I’m not knocking on Gaia, I’m just saying in my absence I realized that I was trying to hold onto something that just didn’t exist anymore and it was causing me more stress than I cared to admit.

I miss my friendships with everyone here. Know that I love all of you and I never intended to just disappear without a word, but circumstances made me do so. And I’m sorry. And I don’t think I’m coming back, not anytime soon at least and not as I currently feel. I’m only doing this because I am desperately trying to heal past this and one of the steps is making peace with everyone here.

If you would like to stay in contact with me you can reach me at jessica[at]stagedust[dot]org as I will most likely be turning off my PMs… and even if I don’t do that I won’t be responding to any I receive. Sorry ): I also will be, when I finally find the time to work on it, putting up a website where I will keep updates about what is going on with me among other things. When it’s up and running you can find it at stagedust[dot]org (: Yes I bought a domain. I wanted to have a more professional sounding email for college applications <3

For those who care, here’s a brief update on major things from the past year:
  • I still have that job I got my last entry talks about. It’s absolutely the best job I’ve ever had. I get PAID (and well) to be on a computer and listen to people argue back and forth. It doesn’t get better than that.
  • I cut my hair. 15inches of it to be precise. Because I’m under 110lbs I’m not allowed to donate blood so at the suggestion of a friend I chopped it off and sent it in to Locks of Love. It’s already grown back a few inches.
  • I went to look at colleges this past summer with one of my best friends, Eric. It was so great finally meeting an internet friend I’d known for years online through Gaia. I had a great time getting lost in San Luis Obispo and playing mini golf on the Boardwalk and for the first time in months I didn’t cry myself to sleep every night.
  • I decided definitely on UC Santa Cruz and submitted my application there this past November. I’m waiting to hear back if I get in around March 15 when they’re supposed to start letting applicants know the status of their submissions. I am frightened I won’t get in, though, as transfer applicants are significantly up this year. According to the email I received there are 5,500 transfer applicants alone for 950 transfer student spots.
  • On the plus I now qualify for FAFSA as an independent. I can finally file without claiming my parents’ income (even though I currently pay for all my schooling fees myself) and hopefully get the financial help I will desperately need when I transfer.
  • I built a new computer because my laptop was having issues. His name is Cricket in honor of my baby (Cricket was her nickname) and I even put her color around the neck of the monitor.


That’s about it really of major things I can think of. I’ll see many of you at Fanime this year I hope. Please do say hi to me and give me a hug? I’d really like that.


And for those who couldn’t read that whole thing:
  • My dog I’ve had since she was born in 1992 died a year ago today. It devastated me. I’m going to be gone for a bit longer/won’t be on nearly as much as I was ever again.



Before this gets too long I’ll end it now. Know that I love all of you and if you actually read this whole thing, major props to you.

-Kender/Jessa



P.S.

Some pictures because we all know I'm picture whore:

Art I did in memory of my baby for my Fanime 2008 Staff Badge:
User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. Click to show.

My baby and one of the last pictures I took of her:
User Image - Blocked by "Display Image" Settings. Click to show.

Lots more pictures from the past year on my flickr (there's quite a few from Fanime, college road trip with Eric, and a couple concerts buried in there:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/kender

Hurry before my pro account is taken away! Still not sure if I’m going to renew it or not. I was getting it for free before due to my internet provider, but the contract changed and I’m not sure I can justify paying $25 a year for it with how many costs I have right now. I couldn’t even pay for the repairs to my car ($1000) this past December. I had to ask my mom to do it as my Christmas present.

Be well, everyone.