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Koko's review of Twilight, the suckfest. (LOL bad pun) |
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So I saw Twilight the other day. Everybody and their cousin has been talking about it. And then there are those who get seriously offended when I criticize it. Which would be mildly entertaining, if I didn't mind upsetting those people. But those moody sons of bitches bother me so with their PMS.
You know who you are. And you probably won't read this anyway, unless you're a creeper. And you are.
Anyway.
Before I write a very "scathing" review, I must say this. You like what you like. I am not going to be one of those snobby movie critics/book critic where I can't possibly like something or I end up liking the strangest of films or whatever. You know what I'm talking about. Those who think way too ******** much about movies and books. They're just entertainment. You like it or you don't. You don't have to bother with it once it's over, much like waxing. Only without the hair coming back.
But, if you get entertainment from ripping them to shreds, that's a whole different story.
Like I said, I won't be a snob. I'm going to say what I thought it could have done better. Keep in mind that I have only seen the movie, and I'm not willing to do much else. I'll also put in anything I found mildly entertaining that I haven't deleted from my brain. And I am deleting at top speed, here.
Things I liked: I did not have to pay for the movie, I saw it with one of my friends that I don't get to see very often, FREE FOOD!, I made fun of it the whole time, the thparkleth (sparkles)
Well, anyway.
1) I kept hearing the boy's last name as "colon" and that really threw me off. And then I started to think of a**l sex. Not that I wasn't already. sweatdrop
2) No gay sex. That makes everything better.
3) The non-romantic "plot" wasn't so focused on, and the romantic plot barely held itself. Now, I realize this is a romance story. But I didn't think the romance was really all that... realistic. Sure, I have never fallen in love with someone first sight. I'm not like that. I fall in love over time, I guess. One day I wake up and realize that I've been in love with so&so for a very long time and I just haven't realized it. So, to me, love at first sight seems very shallow and not very romantic, and that it shouldn't last very long. Like a short teen fling or whatever. And as a general rule, I don't take teen romance seriously. The other plot was some sort of lackluster thing thrown in so that it created some sort of action. It created meaningless action since it didn't last long. This should have been more prominent throughout the story and not just a sudden thing, as it seemed to be. And as a friend explained to me, this was even worse in the book. Now, the killings could have created an interesting twist. Bella could have wondered if her beloved Edward was doing this once she knew his secret. Does she? No. Immediate trust.
4) They were so emotional in the beginning. Yes, I know this is romance. It will get emotional. And emotional I am not. However, they were very emotional right when they had basically just met. If I was like that NO ONE would ever want to date me. (Not that anyone would anyway. Except the aforementioned creeper, but that was rather short.)
5) I read a review of Twilight the book, and I have to agree on this. The author of the review said that the colon boy was rather bipolar and had basically two extreme emotions. Lust/"love" for Bella and anger. Why would you date a monster like that, not to mention he's a vampire? Hell, he's material enough for a future wife beater with that.
6) I did not like their powers. And it was explained that Bella later gets a power. WTF? Isn't immortality and the natural powers of the vampires enough? They also must be rich and have psychic abilities and all that crap? Jesus, Mary and Joseph (yes, I was so upset I not only took a whole lot of people's lord's name in vain, I took his entire family's name as well. Except for his siblings. I don't know they're names and they aren't important any way.) (I don't have such a problem with them being rich, however. Vampires tend to get associated with rich for whatever reason. Rich and elegant compared to animal and lower class. See Underworld for a good example of that)
With all these powers, we get that he's Mister ******** Perfect. And then he has to be good looking and smart and all that bullshit. (Except the bipolar-ness, which I think was more a writing flaw than a purposeful flaw. It just means this Meyer isn't the best of writers and can't quite write character's emotions, which is terrible because it's all emotional and romantic and this is painful.) So then it makes every thing worse when she is the same way. I understand that it was her blood that attracted him to her. So he has an excuse for love at first sight, well, ish. If I were him I'd eat her whiny a** and be done with it. End the story right there.
So then, why must Bella be pretty and smart and all that crap as well? (I say "smart" loosely. She didn't seem to bright in the movie. No one did.) Why couldn't she be fat? Or horribly ugly? Or be missing her right leg? Or a dude? What about half her face burned off or she could even be comatose? Those would all make for an interesting love story. Imagine, this boy having an uncontrollable lust for a comatose girl's blood. Or maybe he wasn't gay (or neither boy was), but lusted for a boy's blood? And somehow one fell in love with the other. And he couldn't just kill this person, because his "family" would have some sort of consequence for him. So, with all these options, why does it have to be two pretty people? And don't think I'm hating on pretty people (I consider myself relatively attractive). They can get together all they want. It just isn't as interesting. They don't have it hard. Ugly people have a hard time finding romance.
Well, I should mention I'm not digging that whole vampire thing, either. It seems so childish. But that's just me.
So, I end this review with this. You like what you like, and I won't hate you for it. My guilty pleasure is Anne Rice. I happen to dislike this awful creature called "Twilight".
TO ALL THE RAGING, FURIOUS FANGIRLS. I DON'T LIKE TWILIGHT. I AM MAKING FUN OF IT. DEFENDING IT WITH ALL OF YOUR RAGE AND ENERGY WILL MAKE ME HATE IT MORE. KEEP THAT IN MIND. DON'T TAKE THIS REVIEW PERSONALLY, EITHER. Yes, I did just put that at the end.
May be edited later for further insights/ranting.
 boy_koko · Sun Jan 04, 2009 @ 03:58am · 1 Comments |
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