I don't know what to do. A time of confusion is right here and now. I want to be with him but I also want to be with him and him and him too. What is this sickening disease I have. I have a crush on over 4-5 guys...why?! It isn't right. Yea, I can just say I like to have a lot of options but really it's just really annoying. I know that 2 are never going to happen. But then what about the other two? Should I try to go for the one that seems the easiest or risk my heart for one that seems less likely to work out. I don't like Caleb, I don't like Mr. Mayne, I don't like Chris...I like Ben.....he seems so far away. Especially when he's the closest. I am I looking to find a boyfriend so badly? What will change. How will it make it better? I want to be happy. I want to be cared for and loved by someone I love and care for. The fear is strong but am I stronger? Why do old crushes still make me feel so nervous? Nervous of what? I shouldn't care what they think anymore because I like Ben. So easy to talk to, so easy and safe. But does linger on for another? What if he's okay with the idea of dating and everything, but what if during that whole time he really wants the other. What if I don't live up to his standards. No he's not that important. Not that life changing to me. He will not be that important to me. Not now. He can't be, I"m too fragile and crack easily with things like this. I've gotta find a way outta here. This kind of thinking is not too good. How I wonder what he's doing now. Now , I'm not with him.....I don't really care for him. This is just total infatuation. Infatuation that sick disgusting word. Infatuation is crude and humiliating. Relationships at this age shouldn't be taken so seriously any way. So it should be okay if I'm just infatuated with him. Since it's not so serious anyway. I shouldn't get hurt so easily from him. He's simple but yet so gentle. Nothing to make him more sincere than what he is. Why do I linger for him so? Nothing shall be regretted.