This is the letter to you that you'll never see. Not because you can't, but because I know you simply won't.
I want throw up. You repulse me and draw me at the same time. I'm still attracted to the person who didn't have a one-track mind about getting smashed ********, but you're not that person anymore, are you?
Either way, who ever you are, you've proved over and over you don't give a s**t. I thought that if I could show you that I could take initiative about things, you would bother to listen to me. I wanted to make you listen. That only got so ******** far, didn't it?
It's been 6-months of this. On and off we've been, bliss and nightmare, always missing being with you on the days I was alone. So happy when you wanted to be with me. That didn't even last very long though... those feelings never did. Was it my fault? Was it because I always wanted to be near you? Is it the person I am?
... Or is it just you're too ******** up to deal with someone like me?
I've known you for 3 years, but I didn't ever really know you until this summer. I still honestly still know so little about you. But I know what kind of person you are now. What you were, and what you have made yourself into. The things that changed and what was always there.
Did the days we spend together mean anything to you now? Remember the whole day I spent with you when you were sick, even though I risked getting sick myself, just because I wanted to be with you when you were weak? You seemed happy to be with me back then. Was that just fake?
It was on and off. You always couldn't handle a relationship, but you came back after a few weeks. You even chased one of my best friends for a little while, do you even know how much that killed me? But still in the end we ended up back together.
I still don't know what happened. I want to know the truth more then anything, but of course you'd never really explain it to me. I thought it was because of your ex-girlfriend before since I knew that you were still talking to her here and there, but now I'm realizing she might of had nothing to do with it. Was it someone else that you'd never admit to me...? Maybe that girl from your work you've been keeping in contact with a lot lately? Even if you deny wanting any sort of relationships right now, it's not like I haven't heard that one before.
But maybe it was really just that you didn't like me, and no one else was involved at all.
What you said to everyone else about what you thought about the day we broke up, it was all wrong. The reason you thought I wanted to talk to you, wasn't even one of the reasons why. I wanted to tell you that. I wanted to tell you that no matter how stupid it seemed, I didn't want to give up on you even if there was nothing you could give me ... but you didn't even give me a chance to say anything. Just shut me out. Wouldn't even listen to me, even though I didn't care if you had anything at all to say, I just wanted to talk to you.
You only proved the words I tried to deny in my head and heart. a*****e. You insensitive shithead. You don't give a ******** about anyone but yourself.
And as far as I knew, I was just about the only one who really gave a s**t about you out of us all, but you treated me exactly as that for it. s**t. Complete and utter s**t.
Oh, but I still hung onto you, hoping that things would get better. That every day could be like the first few days we started dating this ... what is it, fourth time? If you count the relationship two years ago. The failure of that one was entirely my fault, though.
You absolutely entranced me with who you were, so that I couldn't help but walk straight back into your arms after every time you pushed me away and always left me to cry alone without remorse.
Even though everyone always warned me each time, I kept faith in you. I defended you any time someone had doubt in you. Do you know I even risked a friendship with someone I've known for a long time over that? I never told you that. Why would I? I even attacked the person that I actively loved unconditionally for over two years just because he was worried about me and insulted you in the process.
And despite how hard I tried, how much I loved, how much I hoped, where did I end up? Being treated like a ******** criminal, just because I wanted to see you and couldn't hide away how I feel at the same time. I mean honestly, what the ******** did you expect out of me? To bottle this s**t up until I exploded?
Well I guess it doesn't matter now, since you've decided I'm not worthy to speak to you for a whole month since I actually gave a s**t about what happened to us!
I wish I could say I was lying when I said I didn't care, but I'm not. I care about you, and I miss you so much, but I do not give a flying lick of s**t about that specific you that you are right now, the one who brags shamelessly about how he's been s**t-faced for days on end like any of us are supposed to think it's impressive or something.
And so I'll consider this lack of contact with you a blessing in disguise. Hopefully it'll be enough time for me to become strong enough to be able to say [******** off the next time we speak if you have anything less of a sincere apology to give me about being such a dickhead.
You probably won't, though, so I might as while say it now.
[******** you. Seriously.
I gave you every part of me and you treated it like worthless trash. I wish you would just shrivel up and die for making me feel this way. I don't ******** deserve it.
But I can guarantee you I'm only going to get stronger. I've been through worse s**t before, I assure you. Not that you've been too much less worse, mind you.
Always and with Love, Brittany.
(P.S: Please die in a fire)
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