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“The inability to let things go; why can’t I forget the past and move on? But my courage and strength keep pushing me forward, whether I fail or I succeed.”


The twisted dreaming of visions so arbitrary, it made no sense as to why they would appear. It was my own little world, and no one would disturb it, until I awoke back into the cold, hating world. I felt a tug on my leg, as the covers of my bed were thrown from my heated body, and exposing me to the icy air. My mother did not say a word, but she watched me as I removed the retainers from my dry and tasteless mouth. Eyes still shut from the blinding light on my bureau; I somehow managed to grab my zebra blanket from the hallway cabinet, and threw it on the couch. The light over the stove wasn’t as bright, but the sound of cereal crunched was nauseating from my father. Exposing another bright light, I opened the fridge to grab two cupcakes and a bottle of water. I moved back to the couch, my eyes shut as I took bites of my cupcakes. Shivering, I was almost tempted to eat them under my blanket. As soon as I was finished, I threw the cupcake holders and my water onto the side table next to the couch. With the blanket now over my head, I was able to have a couple of minutes of warmth and almost sleep, until my mother would unhappily greet me again, and pull me from the couch. But I listened, as my father kissed the dog in her cage goodbye. There was the cold hand I had waited for. When I was removed from my sleepy warmth, I managed to make my coffee, and come back for it when it was finished. I returned to my room to find my ipod, make-up bag, and retainers, along with my clothes my mother had laid out for me. I relied on her to even simply pick out my clothes for the day. I entered the bathroom with my items, with the light turned off and the hairdryer on. Daily routine time. I used the restroom, put my ipod on, shaved under my arms, put on my clothes, threw my retainers in a cup of Listerine and water, washed my face with acne wash, and dabbed medication on my face. That’s when I turned the light on. I exited the room to grab my now poured coffee thanks to my mother, who was already washing dishes. My ipod was still going, as I poured the creamer into my coffee. I returned to the bathroom, drinking with pleasure. By then, I was fully awake. Songs in my ears were reminding me of memories I used to have, from freshman year. I did that every morning, and when I didn’t listen to “memory songs”, I listened to something just for the sake of listening to music. Now I was putting on my makeup, and putting together my bag of chips, brownies, and my water bottle into my backpack. My Cross Country bag was ready to go from the night before, but I stared at it thinking about how much I didn’t want to run today. There were few days when I actually DID want to run. I was getting yelled at again, my mother just couldn’t seem to control her temper in the mornings. With ten minutes to spear, I grabbed my things and headed into my mother’s car. I had my music blasting, and my mother nag me about something she was angry about; as I made up the excuse I couldn’t hear her, nor did I care. I stared out the window, listening to songs that reminded me of my past. When I finally reached school, I grabbed my things and shut the car door. My ipod said 7:00, and Dr. Park wouldn’t count me late for another five minutes. I dodged sideways glances as I walked to my first class, which fortunately is the first class in front of school. I removed my ear buds, and grabbed a guided reading as I glanced at the clock on the wall that said 7:03. The opening of the door still made everyone look, as I walked back to my seat, irritated I was even awake. Classical music was playing, as I saw everyone else had already started their guided reading. I opened my book, and copied the words in the blank for my guided reading. I counted the first sneeze of the day, my neighbor to my left, Brandon Clark. Typical teenager boy, he irritated me just like every other normal person at Saugus. He had to sneeze at least 5 times every day, along with his obsessive texting. He never got caught, to my surprise. Sometimes he would chew watermelon-flavored gum that reminded me of 7th grade for some reason, and that irritated me even more than I already was. The only thing I was happy about was that I loved Science, despite the fact that everyone hated it. I couldn’t understand why. Dr. Park had a Korean accent, occasionally forgot words like “the” and his speech wasn’t the greatest, always causing laughs from students. Along with the blasting of speakers, which he frequently blared in our ears during his slideshow animations. If anyone talked in his class, you were sure to be reminded you “signed the contract” or you were going to have a detention. So strict, it was almost hard to breathe in his class, though I managed to learn from my interest and love for Science. I got through his slideshow presentation, as I exited the room. The air outside was cold, as I turned to my left to see Nicole Maksic and her friends sitting on the bench, just like every morning. I briefly spoke, and cracked a joke or two about Nicole’s mom before I was headed towards the locker room. Morning crowds were hell, and I waddled almost the whole way to the locker room. The warm air hitting my face was heaven, as I threw my backpack on the bench as Kendall and Jenn were already dressing, and discussing something random. I quickly opened my locker and threw my Cross Country bag inside, and headed back over to Jenn and Kendall. I talked with them, as two freshmen whose names I always seemed to forget, showed up. One always had her Nintendo DS, and blabbed about games or animes I cared nothing about. I tried my best to ignore her, but it always upset me. I was so easily vexed in the morning. The other freshman rarely talked, but I was envious of her voice acting skills. Yet, she looked the most normal, almost at my level of normality. ALMOST. I watched as Eryn entered and dressed silently, but I seemed to be the only one to notice her. Kendall and the freshmen talked and occasionally Jenn, but she was usually too busy talking to me. Sometimes that bothered me however, because she would never let me sulk in my misery when I was upset. I’d always get poked and told “Cheer up” which made my doom and gloom all the more painful. On top of that, it irritated me altogether. I couldn’t get a word in though, for Kendall seemed to always beat me to it. It must have irritated Jenn the most though. I felt underneath her tough, yet kind exterior, she was screaming for Kendall to shut up so she could finally talk. Eryn remained quiet, as everyone but me was dressed for P.E.
We walked outside, my backpack on my back as I sighed of relief to get the freshmen out of my sight, and Kendall off to her class. Jenn and Eryn sat on their numbers, as I waited for Mr. Hallman to take role for their class. I would then follow them into the weight room, and eat my chips and make sure no weight was to fall and crush them. I distracted them though, always cracking a joke or talking while they should be working. I feared I would be kicked out for making their grades drop. That time always flew by, as we entered the locker room once again. And once again, I was interrupted by everyone talking at the same time. It was time for English, as we all walked to our 3rd period.
Mr. Hinze assigned a lot of work, but most of it was simple…to me at least. We read our stories, did our work, and I munched on a brownie during class. I answered most questions he asked the class, either because I was braver than everyone else, I cared more than everyone else, or I was more awake than everyone else. I’m assuming, all of the above. For this, even if I were caught eating or texting in his class, I wouldn’t get reprimanded. It was the end of 3rd period, brunch. Time to eat AGAIN! It seemed like I was always eating early in the morning. I walked to my usual spot, and was immediately greeted with my daily glomp from Ashley. I knew she liked me, and I didn’t care. At least she was decently normal. I talked, made dirty jokes, ate my apple, and then ate Jenn’s food. Poor Jenn, I always feared I took advantage of her, but she never showed if I did or not, so I was never sure. The bell rang in almost no time, and I was excited about 4th period for only one reason…Rae Rae. I waited outside for Mrs. Figg to open the door. Looking to my left, I watched as I saw Nicole Casillas going to her next class. It seemed like a routine to look for her every day, whether I was angry with her or not, or whether she saw me or not. I usually said nothing, however...not like how I screamed hello at her while we were dating. Soon enough, there was Rae Rae, kissing Jon goodbye. I was greeted with a “What’s up f*****t?” and I knew she was in a good mood. Her hair was shorter every week and re-dyed a different color every couple weeks. I’d known her for a long time, but she had changed so much in such little time. I liked her last year, and this year I still did. She liked too many people, didn’t matter what gender. She was a little too uncaring and brutal for me, but our spirits (the wolf Saroth and the snake Evra), the “scene style”, and screaming music attracted us together like nothing else. I didn’t do my math class work, simple as that. I turned around and talked to her every minute Mrs. Figg wasn’t looking. I passed her notes. And when I was pretending to pay attention, she would randomly braid my hair in class. There was only one problem, and she sat across from Rae in the row next to me. Brandy Simpson. She stared at me non-stop, and it bothered me. I was self-conscious as I turned around to talk to Rae, I could see Brandy’s eyes staring at me almost ALWAYS. When math was over, Rae and I shared earphones as we walked to 5th period. She had to stop about 5 times to say hi to 10 people, no joke. Hugging them, kissing them, poking them, playing with them. And I stood there uncomfortable, watching it. Not just because I still somewhat liked her, but also because I had no one to give me that affection while I crossed my arms and just watched, or looked away from it all. But it was my turn to leave, though it wouldn’t matter if I were late to photo class or not. I hugged Rae for as long as I could, then stuck the other headphone in my ear, smiled, and walked towards 5th period, talking quietly to Saroth aloud or in my head. The bell rang before I could get halfway to 5th period. Mr. Benike was always late, so it’s not like it mattered anyway. I walked into photo, dodging sideways glances from Juniors and Seniors who apparently thought they were the greatest thing on the planet. I sat in my seat, listened to my ipod, and waited for about 5 more minutes until Mr. Benike told us we were off to enjoy the photo experience. If I wasn’t taking pictures, I was on the computer. The first thing I’d do was look up my daily horoscope, then I would spend the rest of the class period on the Furry Forums. Everyone lined up at the door, and Mr. Benike dismissed us out to lunch. I walked with my ipod in my ears, and I waved to Gabe along the way to our usual spot. He was going to get lunch. I usually met glances with Nicole either near her spot, or on my way up the stairs as she went the other direction. When I was mad at her, I would just ignore her completely. But today, I smiled and waved. We were finally out of our mood of hatred, thank the freaking Lord. I reached my table, to see Jenn and everyone else. Time to go get food from the student store, another thing I felt bad for ripping out of Jenn’s hands. She was like my mother, yet my best friend. I told her what I wanted, for I would rather sit and talk with Rachel Grothe and maybe Alex Brown about something random while Jenn waited in line to get our food. She came back, and I said goodbye to that group, and continued walking back to our spot as I munched on my Hot Cheetos. Lunch was the same as every day. I cracked some perverted jokes, flirted a bit, and jumped around and screamed to let my ADHD side take over me. As soon as the bell rang, Gabe and I walked to class. I hated History, and it was 6th period now. I could never focus in that class, mainly because I hated the topic, but also because I was exhausted. I wrote my notes, and occasionally looked over to see Gabe doing his work. Sometimes he would glance over to smile and wave, and I just smiled back. Sometimes it’s nice to have a friend who’s on the same planet as everyone else, yet at the same level with you. I turned around to talk to Joe Veliz, called him Jesus, and made some sexual references with him. Even though he had long hair, he was very attractive, to me at least. He was someone I’d like to get completely wasted with, and wake up in his bed the next morning. I could never figure out why I liked him so much. Soon the bell rang, and Joe and Gabe walked with me to our classes. I waved goodbye to Gabe, made more jokes with Joe, and then smiled and waved goodbye. I walked into the locker room with a strange eagerness, yet disappointment I had to run. It was less awkward to open my locker with Nicole there, not like how nervous I was when I was fighting with her. I grabbed my bag and headed to the bathroom. The only reason I changed in there was because I had to change into my sports bra, and I usually did actually have to use the bathroom while I was in there. I usually found myself talking to Saroth aloud in the stall, and there was so much noise that no one could even tell we were talking. I went back to my locker, put my hair in a ponytail, tied my shoes, and walked out to the benches to wait for instructions from Coach Paragas. Usually Christina and I ran a mile, because the season was over. I turned my ipod onto something screamo or hardcore, and began running. Instead of running 4 laps, which was 1 mile, I ran 2 laps out of sure laziness, and pain from my hip injuries. I went into the locker room, grabbed my things, called my mom, and walked with Christina to go wait for my mother to come pick me up. I was in the car, still listening to my ipod, until I got home. I threw down my backpack once I was in the house, and did part of my homework. The rest, I would procrastinate until much later during the evening. I played around on my computer, listened to music, and shut my blinds to make my room dark. Soon I grew tired, as I lied down on my bed and closed my eyes. I awoke 2 hours later to hear my mom tell me it was time for dinner. I thought it was breakfast time! I was still in my running clothes, and I still smelled like I needed a shower. But I ate my dinner, heard my father’s rants about work, and my mother’s headache filled stories of her day. By then, my Internet was on, and I neglected to take a shower until after it went off. I logged on Gaia first, then Myspace, then whatever else. Before no time, it was 9:30 and my Internet was off, but my AIM was still on. I took a shower, came back, and began IMing Nicole. After some time I told her I needed to finish my homework, so I changed my status to Away, and I finished the remainder of my homework. Soon afterwards, I picked up Twilight, and began reading. My eyes grew heavy and tired as 12:30 came around, so I closed the book and went into the bathroom to brush my teeth, wash my face, and put Vaseline on my lips. All in the dark of course, with only the nightlight in the bathroom on. I returned to my room and uncovered the sheets of my bed. My husky was on the left, Roxas on the right, as I turned out the light and turned on my ipod once again. I cried over songs that reminded me of past memories, then shut off my ipod, flopped over onto my stomach, one hand over my husky and the other over Roxas, and drifted off into a deep dreamy sleep.