So lately, I feel like I've been left in the dust by my friends. They're all doing stuff, like getting s**t done, and here I am. Yeah, I'm on a scholarship. I have a car, almost, apparantly I'm getting it for Christmas, but I digress.
It's been the reason I've been kind of depressed lately, I know it. Maybe I'm just bored. I don't do s**t with myself when I get back from class, maybe I'll hang out with people, but then I end up internally being critical of them. Especially my best friend, lately. Seems like recently, all I wanna do is just kill him, not literally, but tell him to shut the ******** up. I'm tired of him holding himself al high because he's doing TWO martial arts at the same time. I was doing that at one point, but who got his blackbelt, ME. Then, he can't compete with anyone, 'cause he hates to lose, so he becomes no fun to hang out with if you beat him too much, then there's always a time limit to everything, everything has to be done for a set amount of time. Is there an agenda to hanging out? NO. Of course not. Then, he's unappreciative and kinda pompous. Oh yeah, not to mention that he's trying to fit in with these people at college, taking on some style that really doesn't suit him. Oh man, you gotta see him talk to women, which is not at all. Always making excuses, "Oh I was tired." *****, you always tired. What'chu do? Nothin', that's what. Always complaining, it makes me wanna punch him in the face.
That's not it, though, it's the fact, he's making progress, and I'm not. It frustrates me. At least he knows people on campus, at least he goes out with people. In high school, I didn't suck as hard as I do now, I was actually confident in myself. Seems like everything started going downhill when she died... She showed me there was more to everything, there was fun in everything.
[******** what other people think, live by what you think is right, and you'll live without regrets."
God, I miss her, that's what she said to me once. Most genuine person I ever knew. I met her when her brother who was a good friend of mine at the time got into an accident. Because of her, I met tons of new people. I was in a band, I was...for once in my life, POPULAR. It felt good. I did my share of stupid stuff, everyone did. 'Cept Josh, I think, he just knew how to keep out of trouble. I miss him too. I wanna go back to Japan. neutral
Seems like, I'm just, not giving my life any justice now. I'm scared to be how I was. Why? I want to be happy again. Sure, now, I'll laugh at stupid stuff happening around me, who wouldn't. But who can smile when everyone you know is leaving you behind?
How would it feel to be outgrown?
That. Is what I think is happening. I haven't had my fill of it, and I think that's right. Now's my time to act like this. But, the inlaid fear, just gets to me. Then I don't do it, and try to justify it in myhead even though I know what it REALLY is.
Nobody takes me seriously. Seems like the only people who listen to me are my internet friends. Like, I consider them real friends, I talk to some of them every day. I don't find a problem with that. I think I have my head screwed on right, I'm at least worth listening to, right?
Over time, I've become manipulative. Probably 'cause I'm bored. Playing off of people's emotions to get what I want. Thank God the people I've done this to haven't caught on, if they did, they'd probably disown me. When I think back, I've always been like this though, but, not to this extent. I usually only did it to douchebags to get them to say something that I could just run with and make them look truly stupid. I bet if I started actually having fun again, this would go back to where it belongs, being used on jerks.
Then, my music choice. Isn't exactly linear with people around here. I enjoy the Japanese culture, and the music too, it's kind of all I listen to. It's all I can stand, really. I've tried expanding my selection, but I can't stand music nowadays, of course, I will find something I like every now and then, and on top of old music from like the 60's and 70's, pretty much it. People look at me weird for listening to this stuff, but I don't care, I don't.
It just keeps me from meeting people. Which is what I really want. I've never been scared to talk to women, never ever. I love striking up conversation, I enjoy making people smile. It just seems like everyone out here is so reclusive, and I'm starting to turn into one of them. I shouldn't say that though, I'm in really like..I should say, "Smart" classes at my college. So it just comes with the people that are in there, everyone avoids everyone, I notice when people sit one or two chairs away from me, in fact it bothers me. I don't think I've made a single friend in there. People are so shy, I asked this girl I sat next to how she was doing and she turned away from me. Come on, now.
College has yet to be fun for me. That's not a problem at all, though. It's only my first semester.
I want more friends, I want to be able to HAVE FUN WITHOUT INHIBITIONS, WITHOUT THE RESTRAINTS THAT MY OWN MIND HAS PUT ON ME, SMILE KNOWING THAT I'VE SATISFIED MY OWN PARAMETERS TO LIVING.
Is there something wrong with that?! ******** you, if you think there is, because, I... want to.
I want to live up to my potential, and I'm not going to let what my small group of friends think influence that. But, I'm scared. I tell myself I'm not, but there's always that one little voice that's snuffed that says,
"You're not. You can do it. You know you can. Listen to my words."
I want to.
I want to DO something with my life!
AND I'M NOT GOING TO WAIT 'TIL I'M 30 SOMETHING TO ******** DO IT.
s**t ******** CRAP, SERIOUSLY. THIS PERSON I'M PRETENDING TO BE, AIN'T ME. I want to go back who I was back when she was alive... Seems like everything was right back then. Since she died, seems like I'm waiting for someone to pick me up. I think it's about time, I picked myself up, and do something for myself, goddamnit.
I say this. But will I. Will I fix this problem I made up in my head? I really don't know. Time will only tell.
I'm starting realize now... I typed all this in my Gaia journal, holy hell. xD
I found myself really getting angry at one point in typing this, weird. Just how I feel, and feel free to comment, in fact I encourage it. If you read all that, then.. kudo's to you, you now know my big problem with life.
Yup.
It's been the reason I've been kind of depressed lately, I know it. Maybe I'm just bored. I don't do s**t with myself when I get back from class, maybe I'll hang out with people, but then I end up internally being critical of them. Especially my best friend, lately. Seems like recently, all I wanna do is just kill him, not literally, but tell him to shut the ******** up. I'm tired of him holding himself al high because he's doing TWO martial arts at the same time. I was doing that at one point, but who got his blackbelt, ME. Then, he can't compete with anyone, 'cause he hates to lose, so he becomes no fun to hang out with if you beat him too much, then there's always a time limit to everything, everything has to be done for a set amount of time. Is there an agenda to hanging out? NO. Of course not. Then, he's unappreciative and kinda pompous. Oh yeah, not to mention that he's trying to fit in with these people at college, taking on some style that really doesn't suit him. Oh man, you gotta see him talk to women, which is not at all. Always making excuses, "Oh I was tired." *****, you always tired. What'chu do? Nothin', that's what. Always complaining, it makes me wanna punch him in the face.
That's not it, though, it's the fact, he's making progress, and I'm not. It frustrates me. At least he knows people on campus, at least he goes out with people. In high school, I didn't suck as hard as I do now, I was actually confident in myself. Seems like everything started going downhill when she died... She showed me there was more to everything, there was fun in everything.
[******** what other people think, live by what you think is right, and you'll live without regrets."
God, I miss her, that's what she said to me once. Most genuine person I ever knew. I met her when her brother who was a good friend of mine at the time got into an accident. Because of her, I met tons of new people. I was in a band, I was...for once in my life, POPULAR. It felt good. I did my share of stupid stuff, everyone did. 'Cept Josh, I think, he just knew how to keep out of trouble. I miss him too. I wanna go back to Japan. neutral
Seems like, I'm just, not giving my life any justice now. I'm scared to be how I was. Why? I want to be happy again. Sure, now, I'll laugh at stupid stuff happening around me, who wouldn't. But who can smile when everyone you know is leaving you behind?
How would it feel to be outgrown?
That. Is what I think is happening. I haven't had my fill of it, and I think that's right. Now's my time to act like this. But, the inlaid fear, just gets to me. Then I don't do it, and try to justify it in myhead even though I know what it REALLY is.
Nobody takes me seriously. Seems like the only people who listen to me are my internet friends. Like, I consider them real friends, I talk to some of them every day. I don't find a problem with that. I think I have my head screwed on right, I'm at least worth listening to, right?
Over time, I've become manipulative. Probably 'cause I'm bored. Playing off of people's emotions to get what I want. Thank God the people I've done this to haven't caught on, if they did, they'd probably disown me. When I think back, I've always been like this though, but, not to this extent. I usually only did it to douchebags to get them to say something that I could just run with and make them look truly stupid. I bet if I started actually having fun again, this would go back to where it belongs, being used on jerks.
Then, my music choice. Isn't exactly linear with people around here. I enjoy the Japanese culture, and the music too, it's kind of all I listen to. It's all I can stand, really. I've tried expanding my selection, but I can't stand music nowadays, of course, I will find something I like every now and then, and on top of old music from like the 60's and 70's, pretty much it. People look at me weird for listening to this stuff, but I don't care, I don't.
It just keeps me from meeting people. Which is what I really want. I've never been scared to talk to women, never ever. I love striking up conversation, I enjoy making people smile. It just seems like everyone out here is so reclusive, and I'm starting to turn into one of them. I shouldn't say that though, I'm in really like..I should say, "Smart" classes at my college. So it just comes with the people that are in there, everyone avoids everyone, I notice when people sit one or two chairs away from me, in fact it bothers me. I don't think I've made a single friend in there. People are so shy, I asked this girl I sat next to how she was doing and she turned away from me. Come on, now.
College has yet to be fun for me. That's not a problem at all, though. It's only my first semester.
I want more friends, I want to be able to HAVE FUN WITHOUT INHIBITIONS, WITHOUT THE RESTRAINTS THAT MY OWN MIND HAS PUT ON ME, SMILE KNOWING THAT I'VE SATISFIED MY OWN PARAMETERS TO LIVING.
Is there something wrong with that?! ******** you, if you think there is, because, I... want to.
I want to live up to my potential, and I'm not going to let what my small group of friends think influence that. But, I'm scared. I tell myself I'm not, but there's always that one little voice that's snuffed that says,
"You're not. You can do it. You know you can. Listen to my words."
I want to.
I want to DO something with my life!
AND I'M NOT GOING TO WAIT 'TIL I'M 30 SOMETHING TO ******** DO IT.
s**t ******** CRAP, SERIOUSLY. THIS PERSON I'M PRETENDING TO BE, AIN'T ME. I want to go back who I was back when she was alive... Seems like everything was right back then. Since she died, seems like I'm waiting for someone to pick me up. I think it's about time, I picked myself up, and do something for myself, goddamnit.
I say this. But will I. Will I fix this problem I made up in my head? I really don't know. Time will only tell.
I'm starting realize now... I typed all this in my Gaia journal, holy hell. xD
I found myself really getting angry at one point in typing this, weird. Just how I feel, and feel free to comment, in fact I encourage it. If you read all that, then.. kudo's to you, you now know my big problem with life.
Yup.
