It's 6 AM and I'm here at Azzy's house, sitting in her office typing this journal entry because I am unable to sleep. Not that I've tried, I guess. The idea seems appalling to me for really no reason.
I've been here almost all weekend with Azzy herself, Christie, and the two Brandons. Aaron was here Friday, but he didn't come back today (or in this case yesterday). We mostly chilled out, ate foods, watched lots of movies, and Azzy baked brownies while we were watching Iron Man about 5 hours ago now.
I've just been on here... while everyone is sleeping... I just... feel incredibly lonely.
It occurred to me at some point late in the night that I was the only one was alone there.
I was depressed about Dustin all weekend, but no one would of known that unless they knew me very well or guessed. Azzy probably knew. Or maybe she didn't.
... I miss him an insane amount. I still have not spoken to him. Today it will have been a week since we broke up and it feels like forever. The sad thing is he probably has not thought of me very much, if at all.
I am extremely cold and hungry.
But I can't stand the idea of sleeping... even though I know I'd pass out almost right away... for some reason I just want to push myself into staying awake for as long as I possibly can... I don't even know why...
I was reading through my journal entries and I couldn't believe how sudden the transition was between where I yearned after Ricky over to where I started to yearn over Dustin. Like I had been afraid of, I got myself into a position where I am chasing him. Not physically at this point, but my heart is still out there with him, though god ******** knows why.
I still hold my demented hopes that there was a deeper reason for how things went. The sad reality I face is that he just didn't like me that way, as I am without a doubt, just not his type.
But god that does not stop me from missing him so much. I wish he would care just a little. Just because I blocked him it's not the end of the world. I'm waiting for the fateful day he gives enough of a s**t to send me an e-mail or pick up the ******** phone. Because you know, at this point I'm tired of being the one who makes all the bloody effort.
It's not going to happen, right?
I'm going crazy with italics. My eyesight is also extremely blurry. I can barely see what I'm typing. I have to rewrite practically every single word.
I am REALLY COLD. CHRIST.
I talked to Jordan tonight about how I feel after this whole ordeal, except I did it entirely in metaphors where I described myself as a mud pie and Dustin was the toddler that smushed me back into dirt when he was done playing with me. Somehow Jordan did not think it was stupid as s**t and caught onto what I was saying even though I didn't mention any names and sympathized with me. I honestly have no idea why he would bother to listen. It was really dumb.
I had said that in life people are either pies or toddlers. Or both. I'm both I guess, but more often I end up as a pie. I said that one day I'm going to be rebuilt as an apple pie, delicious and cherished. I hope that day is soon, but I feel like it may still be far off and I said so.
Stupid stupid stupid Dustin why do I love you so much....
Thank god I am 98% sure you don't read my journals.
I think I might go downstairs and steal a brownie and see if I can fall asleep... I'm feeling a little better after writing this out. Did you ever notice that I only write journal entries when I am either really upset, or extremely happy after something good happens after being upset for so long? There were so many entries about Dustin and me getting back together after we broke up and I was sad.
... I don't think it'll be like that again... I'm not going to put up with that again... This time was the worst time out of ALL THE TIMES WE BROKE UP BECAUSE I ACTUALLY LOVED YOU THIS TIME YOU DIMWIT.
blegh I am cursed in love...
I think it is hilarious how many times I mentioned beating Twilight Princess in my journals... I still haven't beaten it yet... what's wrong with me... I don't play enough vidyagames anymore... shameful...
Okay well I might as well not prattle on anymore... this whole entry probably looks stupid but oh well I'm half-asleep.. don't care...
Eternal is wishing dearly for a very merry Christmas.
Christmas is like two weeks away...
I had really wanted to spend any time you had to spare me with you...
g'night (morning) s**t whatever
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