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Spica's little Black Book!
Lot going on over here
I know nobody takes the time to read this thing, so it's a nice let off spot now and then. You get the random person now and then that'll read it but what does that really count...well it counts for something I guess.

But I keep going back and forth the last few days with some troubles that have been going on for about a month now. I'm finally starting to break down and talked to two friends of mine today. Two people I really trust seeing as I can't get a hold of my boyfriend who everything is about in the first place. I don't think he really understands that I need him to see things through my perspective now and then and this happens to be one of those times.

But talking with the has lifted me up quite a bit here and I'm feeling a lot better after a long conversation with them seeing as they both live so close to him. I'm really only 5 miles away, but the walk is a hell of a lot longer than it for them. It's hard for me to get over there since I know no one is allowed over until his room is clean, including me. So it really is driving me up a wall that I can't see him, but it's damned near impossible to even talk to him on the phone. He's never home and stays out late as hell and when he probably even does think to call me it's extremely late. I wouldn't care if he woke me up really, that would be a very welcome call to me.

I haven't spoken to him in a week though and it finally broke down on me the last few days, I think today was one of the worst days as I fell to pieces four times and cried my eyes out. He'll probably never know that and I don't really want him to know I was crying. I hate showing weakness like that and it drives me up a wall when I can't control it, but I know we can't control everything about ourselves. I just gave into the tears and let them come while I talked over my feelings more with myself. But I'm never really alone, there's always someone there standing over my shoulder listening whether I realize it all the time or not. Someone is always listening, I just can't always see them. But they are there and they care about me otherwise they wouldn't listen me every time I called to them.

But mainly what is going on is the Ex-girlfriend keeps hanging around with him, a little more than she should. I'm being completely left out of the equation while she tries to take off with him every chance she gets. Needless to say I'm not happy about this, he's trying to be a nice guy because this all started with her having to break up with her girlfriend. He helped her out and talked to her, but that's how this bullshit got started. Now she won't leave him alone and I'm sitting at home staring at the ceiling wanting to rip her face off to tell the truth.

I hear she moving and I pray it's true because she needs to stay away from my boyfriend. She cheated on him, in front of his face and didn't give a s**t and talked about him like he was s**t and couldn't do anything right. He' not perfect, he never will be and I never expect him to be, but I love him with all my heart just the way he is. And I hope he realizes this, I've given him everything I've got, and I told him; If I lose him, there is nothing left of me. I've been broken up too much by this point to even try to find someone else out there because I'll be an empty shell by then, I won't be worth the time. I gave him something I can never take back, he claims he's done the same, so maybe he'll feel the pain too. He should, and I hope he can feel the pain I've been in, because I want him to know my side of things, I do it for him, it's only right to expect to same in return.

I know it's only been a week since I've seen him and it's kinda flown by, but when you sit there and realize how long it's been it kinda hurts you. I mean, I told him to call me and he never did, I wish he had, I wish he would. But there may even be a good reason behind him not calling, his phones may be out and I know that's a real good possibility right about now with the trouble his family is in. I can only wish them to best of luck and I wish I could help them out, but I don't even have a job. Me selling my art is the best I can do and I'm finally starting to get commissions in, I'm just hoping that they'll keep on coming in. If not, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm even as desperate as to go to my old place of work and see if they are hiring, luckily I should have good credit with them, I know how to pretty much run the place, what more could they ask for?

Still though, times are hard and are surely only going to get harder. Each day gas prices fall, but the cost of living only continues to rise, jobs are being lost left and right, people tossed onto the streets; their homes taken from them. It's not right, it's painful to see these things happening, knowing that we are in the midst of it all and there's really nothing we can do but pray that things will get better before they get much worse. But I don't see anything good coming for some time now, but I can always pray, I trust in the God and Goddess to care for me and take care of me, guide me where it is that I need to go. What more can I do anyways besides have hope, I'm not gonna let this crap beat me down just yet.

But I hope Ronin will listen to me soon, see how I see things, and understand. I don't want to lose him, because I know if I lose him as my Love, I won't have the ability to face him for a very, very long time. I'll stay away from everyone, fro everything and once again seek to the confines of my room, leaving only when I absolutely have to. I won't use the phone because no one to call, I won't go outside, because to me, the sun wouldn't be shining. He was brought to me for a reason. I remember what happened still today like it as yesterday.

I had just gotten off the phone with my Ex, he had finally admitted to me that he was messing with my head, though he never said it blatantly. I left the house and went down to the small creek across the street. I sat down there and prayed, but the anger that was in me was so strong. I had someone who had promised me that they were going to help me in every way that they could, another who was watching my every move, protecting me, caring for me in ways I still can't see. But I remember pulling off my pentacle and throwing it to the side and yelling to them. Telling them how they had lied to me, they had said they were going to help, and things for me were only getting worse. I told them if they were gonna do something, they better do it then, because I was fed up and I couldn't take anymore. That was the fourth of February. I stayed home the next day from school, knowing if I went in, I'd only suffer a major breakdown and my friends were sick enough of watching me cry my heart out. I laid in bed all day, I barely moved, I didn't eat, I didn't do a thing that day but lay in bed thinking, crying, trying to make out what the hell to do next, but I could only draw a blank. That night, my phone rang and it was him. Called to ask me what was up, how I was doing. He was the only one who sat and listened to me every time, never told me I was a fool, to just just over it and walk away. Never once did he tell me to do that, he was there for me, my shoulder to cry on. But then he did one thing, I never expected him to do. "Can I ask you a Hypothetical question?" he asked. I told him to go ahead and he continued on for about two seconds before stopping himself. He took about ten minutes of telling himself to man up. By this point I have figured out what he was up to and I didn't really know what to do. I stared at that phone hoping he wasn't going to say what I thought he was going to say. But he did, if anything were to happen between him and his girlfriend (which wasn't going to be anytime soon!) would I consider dating him. I immediately said yes out of reflex, I liked him, never figured it out until about two month prior but I shoved and ignored it and had finally just signed it off as nothing. But conversation went back to normal after he got over the shock of my prompt answer. And some how we ended with plans to meet that Saturday. I left my house at four in the morning and took the first bus out to him. Out in the woods, there was a clearing where hung out with friends all the time, and we sat down on the couch on opposite ends for about fifteen minutes due to the awkwardness of the situation. We finally ended up in the middle, and it still then took us a bit before we kissed for the first time. That day was so nice.

That first day, didn't feel like day one at all. It felt like we'd been together so much longer than that. I'll never forget that feeling, him leaned against me on the couch talking, only leaving to get food at McDonalds and buying a fire log for the small pit dug out in the middle of the clearing. We fell asleep for a couple hours in front of that fire, woke up to the pitch black and I went to take the bus home. I will never forget that day, our first together is one that will never leave me, no matter what happens.

Ronin Tsurukasa...I love you... forever and always...
Im meleth le, Nin Nim Draug...yes, the ancient language in which one can not lie. Never will I lie to you when those words come out of my mouth.





 
 
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