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Outlaw 124 tales journal
in my journal i will right tales of types please pm me if you have a request
the tale of an elf
the moning was cold and gray and as Dagan looked out of the window he couldn't help but reminis some of his past. he thought back to when he had first discovered he was different from the other teenagers at his school. on his first day he came into school as normal and saw the other teenagers laughing about shows on the tv and talking about girls and the girls in their groups whispering and giggleing to them selves and he on his own in the middle of the playground drawing odd looks. Dagan went over to one of the boys "hi im new here can you tell me were classroom 8 is im suppost to be have my form time in there but don't know were it is" "sure" the boy shrugged and led Dagan to a room with No8 plastered on the front "go on in dont be afraid theres no one in there yet" the boy said "thanks whats your name?" "my name's malaki and this is my form room to" replied malaki "right so your in my form?" "well no im in the other form." "oh right bye then" Malaki sighed " you oviously don't know what sarcasm is go on in we go" Malaki opened the door and walked in Dagan followed nervously. Dagan looked around the room at the desks and wondering which one he would sit at when the school bell went "YYYYYIIIKKKKEESSS!!!!!" Dagan jumped up into the air alarmed "its loud isn't it" malaki said "dont worry youll get yoused to it any way what was your......" Maliki didn't get a chance to finish as a stampede of his class mates carrered through the door knocking him and Dagan to the floor. they were followed by miss Yamono their form teacher Who shouted above the din "all right you lot settle downand sit at your desks OI Danny put that rubberband down now and Malaki get in your own place and stop hanging around the girls." Maliki blushed and sat down abuptly in his seat "right" said miss Yamono rubbing her hands together "now that were all settled i have a few announcements....." while Miss Yamono was saying her anouncements dagan with his advanced hearing could clearly hear the whispering at the back between two girls "hey whos the new kid" the first one said "I dont know but who ever he is he is definatly hansome""i know look at his eyes baby blue oh there beautiful" "and look at those muscles he must work out"the girls looked at each other and nodded unfortunatly for them Miss Yamono spied them and said "is there somthing you want to share with the class Abby??" the first girl blushed and said "erm..... no Miss Yamono" Dagan looked at her and his eyes nearly popped out of there sockets as he thought oh my god i have never seen some one so beutiful in my life he took in her features:

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that long red hair Dagan instantly fell in love with her. Miss Yamono tapped him on the shoulder "hi is anyone in there?" "pardon?" dagan said "you were miles away honey why are you here?" "im the new kid" Dagan stuttered to giggles from the back "theres no need to be afraid whats your name?" asked Miss Yamono "Erm.... Dagan" "it actualy took him awile to say it" a boy laughed "well if i rememeber corectly Danny it took you a whole minute to say yours" "shut up maliki" "danny be quiet or i will put you in detention" "sorry Miss" "sorry Miss what?" "sorry miss yamono" "Dagan why don't yougo and sit next to maliki he can help you out for the day" "right" Dagan sat down and got his book out of his bag. he sat there quiely listening to miss Yamono when somting wet hit him in the back of his neck. Dagan reached up and took the spitball off his neck and turned round "who spat that?" he said icily, in reply another hit him in the eye Dagan wiped it off and said "danny you spit one more spitball at me and i will pin you against that wall" "like you can do that" danny leered "try it" Dagan growled malaki put his hand on dagans shoulder "look mate Danny is an idiot don't rise to him" Dagan turned around and then a huge spit ball hit him in the back of his head "thats it" Dagan got up so fast that his chair fell over and had his hands around danny's neck before he could react and had lifted him out of his seat and slammed him against the wall before Miss Yamono had seen. Danny looked a dagan fearfuly whose eyes had clouded over so the whole of his eye had gone pale blue dagan thought how can i be doing this?? and what is making me?Dagan realeased Danny who dropped to the floor clutching his throat dagan looked around at the faces in the class all looking at him in awe and fear it was more than he could bear and with a sorrowful glance at abby he tore out of the classroom and ran to a tree he sat underneath with his head in his hands. why? And why now?dagan sighed deeply as the school bell went brilliant break..........


to be carried on tommorow



My friends are my life and i will fight for them to the death
i am apollo the reincarnation of apollonius.......

ichiman'nen to nisen'nen mae kara aishiteru
hassen'nen sugita koro kara motto koishiku natta
ichioku to nisen'nen ato mo aishiteru


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TheOutlawsRIfle
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TheOutlawsRIfle
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  • User Comments: [2] [add]
    x-Obscene_Love-x
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    commentCommented on: Sun Oct 26, 2008 @ 11:20pm
    Erm, where to start. Well, you are not gramatically correct. You keep missing out capitol letters and you need a new line for each speaker. But I do like the plot. Quite inspirational. You should go on to be a director or something.


    commentCommented on: Fri Nov 07, 2008 @ 06:09pm
    Okaaaay... you don't mind constructive crit, do you? Good.

    Firstly: Paragraphs. Use them. Especially for things like speech... you also need to say who spoke. And sentences, use them too. A lot of them in your description are very run on sentences.

    Break up the speech with some description or action. Yours seem to be going a bit like "hi" "Oh hi! I haven't seen you in ages!" "how are you?" "I'm okay, you?" "I'm good thanks" ...you don't do that. Something like "Hi," person one waved and walked over to person two.

    Person two smiled back, "Oh, hi! I haven't seen you in ages!"

    "How are you?" said person one

    ...and so on. You don't have to be scared of 'said', the English teachers were lying when they said words like "enquired" were good. They're not. Use said and then say how they said it with description, or say something the speaker did so the reader will know who's speaking (e.g. "I'm going to bed." The door slammed behind Bob as he stormed from the room)

    Hope I helped... and that you read it all. xD




    EDIT: It was good and creative though, well done. If you only remember one thing from this post, remember to paragraph!

    EDITx2: When you first write it, do it in Word or something so you can spellcheck... I needed to spellcheck this post!

    Also, don't get put off by criticism, especially if it's constructive crit. You will get better if you listen to the advice you're given and act on it.



    Voldemort point two
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    User Comments: [2] [add]
     
     
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