Time for the enlightenment process...
alright this past week has been hellish on my stress levels...ok without going into detail I have made some enemies. Gotten yelled at by the people close to me...hurt the people close to me...not physiclly just by my actions and words...
No I havent done anything major like kill someone or blah blah blah...
Its just I cant do anything right..
It all started off when I thought a nice rant to a friend would help calm my nerves and it did...until she started telling everyone about my rant telling all the people I was pissed off that I was pissed off at them...
They already ******** know they dont need your goddamn help!
So I have learned that in the grand scheme of things there is maybe...4 people...that I can tell anything to without fear of them running off to shove it in my face...
I will not name them because they should already know who they are.
alot has happened which leads me to today...
I was late for work...I was supposed to open the ******** store...in the grand scheme of things people could blame me and say "well you should have wrote down your schedaul."
Tho they might be right I ******** didnt ok...I had it in my mind since sunday of last week that I closed today.
I had s**t planned.
guess what threw those ******** plans out the window didnt I?
Yeah im not to happy about this..
Regardless its just this instance in the overall shittyness my life is becoming...the only thing I have actually done right is that nicole still loves me...god without her I dont know what I would do...
She is what holds me together whenever I am feeling down like this I always see her smile and feel her arms around me telling me everything is going to be ok...
Well ya know what things dont turn out my way huh?
^that is what I have been asking myself what if things go completely downhill from here...what if I lose everything...what would I do?
I would shut myself off from the world thats what I would do...
no amount of consoling words or people telling me its going to be ok would work if I lost everything...anything I have ever cared for...everything I love...
I would mentally die...
I would be a waste of space...bigger than I am now.
yeah I am in a modd so ******** sue me...
Nicole...I try so hard to pave the road for a future for us both...she is doing beyond fantastic in school...hopefully she does more in life than I did when I first got out of school...I was going to go to college for computer technlogy courses. Well I dont have 9 billion dollers now was I smart enough to get grants or scholorships.
All these kids today with the ******** silver spoon they were born with still hanging out of there mouth...makes me sick...I have to ******** work for what I earn....while they get everything handed to them by mommy and daddy.
So many people asking me..."whats wrong tj?"
or
"You look like soemthing is wrong..."
OF COURSE THERES SOMETHING ******** WRONG!!
Theres ALWAYS something ******** wrong with me....I am one of the worst people in the world...but goddamn it I try so ******** hard to please people to get that... "Thank you sir"
or
"Thank you tj"
but how often do I get that?
Not a ******** is what I say to that....I do so much...and get so little...
im ******** tired of it...
whenever ANYONE needs a hand I am always first to help...but when im done they say. "Oh hey thanks."
oh hey thanks?
******** you how about that, that isnt a thanks thats a "I couldnt get anyone else and I hate you" thanks
I ******** work my a** off every day...for what?
Nothing
thats how it is in life nowadays.
So in closeing let this be a lesson to all you youngsters out there.
Dont try.
Do good in school...go to college....become a famous doctor or police men...be happy...
but dont try to impress anyone...
They dont care...
noone cares...
I care..
maybe thats why I get s**t on so much...
thanks for listening.
*edit 1:17pm October 5th*
I cannot say noone cares...my nicole cares about me...and I love her for it...I love you baby <3
Overlord of Dementia Community Member 
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