Nothing seemed to change. Finally found myself -- fighting for a chance. I know now, this is who I really am. The Kill - 30 Seconds to Mars.
Fear. We all have fears. Our own childhood memories that somehow frightened us. Our little imagination -- or what was said to only be merely an illusion or an imagination. We all had ours, and of course, we still has some presently.
I must admit, I fear a lot of things. I have been very aware around me. I dont know why. I have no clue how. I'm beginning to listen to everything -- paying attention to anyone and everyone at the same time. Contemplating on things then concluding them with something reasonable or not. I guess I proved myself wrong just this week. As I said, I fear a lot of things. Some might not even be reasonable for a person like me.
Honestly, I am always so used to being favored by many -- or having so many attached to me. After one slip -- one tiny tiny prejudice I made from David, my entire identity slipped. Everything fell so drastically that I worried so much about how others might do that same thing. Maybe I can't take rejection afterall. Rejection of being a friend and not being accepted as one. Ouch. I seem to have another reputation with my being so I created another one. One of which I learned to express myself even better with people who had no utter clue of my identity -- most especially to them. I lived two lives. I think I still do. One behind myself and one that faces the world.
Yes, so maybe it was fear of rejection or not being accepted. I've never been myself. In fact, I dont know who MYSELF is. Is it the one that plays as a hypocrite? Or the one that interacts with 'friends'? or the one that hides behind the world to only say everything she wants to say through words and whatnot? I cannot ever be myself infront of anyone. It turns out odd and very awkward. I'm either really really hyper and talkative and I start making the corniest jokes. Or I cut out part of me -- hiding half of my life behind lies.
I mean, I've lived lying my whole entire life. How can I try to minimize it or even say I mustn't? I can lie good and when I say good. I can make the craziest story and you'd still be able to believe it. I hope -- think.
Basically, I fear the most is not being accepted. I seem to never have been by anyone. Everyone has their own prejudice and somehow that's what makes everyone so human.
I'm actually taking into consideration typing my freakin journals instead of having to write them.
akiera_z Community Member 
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