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Well, I thought I'd take a little time out to talk about me.

I'm sixteen. This is common knowledge. I go to a nice school have a nice family, have decent friends. I'm a good kid. I work hard (enough). I'm normal. Apart from that my hair is falling out. Which is what I'd like to talk about.

When I was seven, my best friend (only friend) of the time had a personality reverse and abandoned me. My mum recently told me that one day she asked how my day went, and I spoke perfectly normally, and then I just started screaming and crying. Of course, I wasn't able to vocalise my feelings then, unlike now. Well, anyhow, around Christmastime that year ('96, or '97?) my mum noticed a teensy tiny bald patch on the back of my head. I wasn't allowed to wear bunches after that.

Well, the patch spread, and I lost quite a bit of my hair. Enough so that I had to wear a wig. We bought three, and I wore two of them for about a year or so before I could revert to simply a headband (I threw up the first two days from nervousness and still felt ill the third, but hey). I was young then, and I'm not as young now.

A few years later, summer of '01, my older sister noticed a bald patch at the front of her head - and I noticed one at the side. We both had quite a bit of hair loss - although mine was more extensive, and it was a year before I was in a wig again. I wore that wig for three years - summer '02 to summer '05. Yes, that recently. In April I stopped wearing a wig for orchestra, but I kept with it for school - too much hassle to do my hair properly every morning.

Eventually I was left with two patches - one at the side of my head, the part that first fell out three years ago and never really grew back but it's only right at the front, and a much larger patch on the top of the left side of my head. So April May June came and went, and me fine with it. Happy because I was no longer restricted by a wig, free of the yearning I had been hiding for three years.

So it's over now. Except, well, not. In June I found a bald patch that had added itself to the second one I just mentioned. I later found a couple more, and then more after that. They start so tiny, but you'll see later how three patches grow and spread to become one, large patch. They're barely visible at first.

The first one to appear grew no larger than a 10p piece. The others are a different story. I'm facing the possibility of wearing a wig again - something I'd hoped never to have to do again.

The reason for this hair loss? An auto-immune disease called alopecia areata. The white blood cells mistakenly attack the hair follicles (hence auto-immune) but there's always a chance for regrowth, although that is decreased after a year of no hair on the patch. It's not contagious, it's not genetic, people know what it ISN'T and not what it is.

It doesn't have a common cause. It doesn't have a common cure. Things that work on some do not work on all. I have nothing yet. Only one in five people have a family member with it too (like me) and the concordance rate in twins is only 55%. In some people it comes once, grows back and never recurs. In some it grows back and the condition recurs for years and years (like me, so far). In some, they lose all facial hair (alopecia totalis) and some even all their body hair (alopecia universalis). There is always a chance for regrowth. Whether it occurs or not is a different matter.

(This next part is copied from an LJ entry some time ago).

Boy am I glad for hair clips. My current decision is just to let my hair grow but I honestly don't know how much more I can take of this. I've got a few rantings about it in my France diary, one of them culminating with "I don't want to have to wear a wig ever again" which was on the Monday right before I burst into tears over it again.

http://www.niams.nih.gov/hi/topics/alopecia/alopecia.htm <--- that is the most useful website I've ever found. Whenever I get anxious, I look again and I feel better. It answers all my questions and it really is a great help. I'm just looking for some inspirational stories now. There's one about a Scottish boy who lost his hair at the age of three and since has had no luck or very little getting it back. However, his scenario is of course different. He's lost all his hair, and he's eight now. It's acceptable for him to go out in public bald, it's acceptable for anyone really. But patchy? Patchy is not a look. Patchy is why I wore a wig for four years (three of which were consecutive).

This is the third time. Third time! I'm sixteen. I've now had alopecia areata three times. Three times in sixteen years means chances are I could be dealing with this for my entire life. Admittedly, the first time it was stress I think - came and went within a year. This time? Supposedly if the area is hairless for a year or more the chances of it coming back are decreased. I've proved that theory partially wrong - some of the hair that was missing for more than a year has grown back, likewise some of it hasn't.

There is no cure. Nothing works on everyone, nothing universal, nothing even proven - just some lucky people who've tried a few different things and one works. That's what gets to me. Yes, it's superficial - I mean, it's hair. But to lots of alopecia sufferers it's NOT just hair. It's self esteem, confidence, years of teenagehood dragged further down by patchy baldness. It feels like a prevention of a normal life. Can't go swimming without a cap, can't do various other things for fear of the wig falling off. Taunted, teased, bullied by people who don't understand. This is far more than superficial, far more than just hair.

But this is me. Someone in France from the orchestra said she envied my high self esteem. I thought, is my self esteem really that high? Well, I suppose in some ways it is. I'm not afraid to say what I think, or be who I am. I'm not ashamed of what's happening to me, I hide it for their sake as much as mine. I know I'm worthy. Other people know I'm worthy. I have less troubles than a lot of other teenagers but only because I make it so. Maybe she thinks I have high self esteem because since there is one thing out of my control, I do so much to try and keep the others within my control that I've pretty much walked the path I want. As far as most other teenagers I know go, they haven't learned to do that yet.

Just, sometimes, I wish I wasn't so different. I once thought that the girl who dealt with alopecia a second time round was a much better person than the onceover would have turned out to be. But does the girl really need it again? I wish I knew why my body does this to me. I know what happens, down to the last detail, but I've never known why. And, sometimes, it's why that's important. Why is important to me.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v22/gigastorm/Pictures/Hair%20Stuff/Picture132.jpg
This patch, disregarding the bit at the back, has been missing for roughly three years. That picture was taken a month ago.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v22/gigastorm/Pictures/Hair%20Stuff/Picture155.jpg
This is the same patch today. Slight regrowth at the front and back, which is a good sign, since I may have to switch which side my side parting is on due to another small patch.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v22/gigastorm/Pictures/Hair%20Stuff/Picture157.jpg
This is another today picture, simply because it's nicer than the other one. This patch was lost at the beginning and has remained the same throughout.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v22/gigastorm/Pictures/Hair%20Stuff/Picture134.jpg
This is three patches that joined up, taken a month ago. Big enough there, isn't it?
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v22/gigastorm/Pictures/Hair%20Stuff/Picture159.jpg
This is the same patch today. The angle is a bit deceiving, but the patch as you can see has less hair on it, and no regrowth, so it's still falling out.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v22/gigastorm/Pictures/Hair%20Stuff/Picture135.jpg
This patch is at the bottom of the back of my head. Not a nice one, as the hair at the back isn't quite long enough to cover it. Taken last month.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v22/gigastorm/Pictures/Hair%20Stuff/Picture158.jpg
The same one today. Larger, less hair. Bad sign again.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v22/gigastorm/Pictures/Hair%20Stuff/Picture156.jpg
The newbie. Tiny today, but it wasn't even THERE last month. Next month it will be bigger.

This is virtually my only reason for ever being depressed. It's hard to think you're beautiful - or even mildly pretty - if whenever you look in the mirror all you see is a bald patch.