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So i have this uncle. He's a crackhead, most of my uncles are. As a matter of fact, two of them died behind that mess. and my father has irreversible internal organ damage from crack. anyway, back to this awesome, awesome story. So, last year, my uncle was hospitalized with a broken jaw. they had to wire his mouth shut cuz of it was essentially shattered. why? n*gga got into a fight over rocks. or so i'm lead to believe. amazing right? you have to eat through a straw for the next 6 months because you got beat the f*ck up over rocks. enough to make you quit right? WRONG! a few months later, my ma gets a call in from the hospital yet again. this time, the same uncle is in a coma. severe head trauma. after a month of touch and go (he died twice) he gets better and is released to my mother. slow to speak and prone to forgetting as his short term memory is useless now, My uncle decides to go straight. Apparently head trauma and two near death experiences, loss of memory and mechanical functions on top of a wired jaw is enough to make you want to stop smoking rocks. So my uncle starts going back to church, enters rehab, essentially turns his life around. Fantastic!
Enter, my other uncle, his little brother. we shall refer to him temptation. like all the other male role models in my life, uncle temptation is a goddamn crackhead but not just any kind. He's a social crackhead, the kind that can't get it on their own unless they absolutely have to. he moves in with my ma and my uncle and all of the progress he's made is shot cuz of, you guessed it, uncle temptation which leads me to the awesome part of this elaborate tail of ridiculous and lack of sense. Last week, my uncle goes missing for 4 days. my mother is naturally worried as his memory is balls and he is slow but after a few days, she sees different. Just as shes about to give up she gets a call. guess who it was. The Hospital! they have my uncle! apparently, he was run over and robbed in the street! they crushed his legs and he's been recuperating for a week. so, my ma goes to the hospital and asks what happened. my uncle tells some elaborate story which is total bullsh*t. My ma looks at him sideways and says, "n*gga please. you was binge-cracking (binge-cracking for those of you fortunate enough not to know what that is, is when one gets a large sum of money and spends it all of crack. generally this binge lasts for days or until the money runs out thus my uncle missing a week)and ran out of dough so they broke your f*cking legs an robbed you." This is the more believable story. Binge cracking and broken legs. So, to sum up, my uncle had his jaw wired shut, died twice, sever brain damage and two broken legs behind crack rocks. with this be enough? who knows, only time will tell. thew icing? he's going to be on the goddamn news, telling his story of survival! sh*t is HI-lariuous!


UPDATE: so apparently, after seeing this news special on my uncle, new information came to light. It has been confirmed he was at a crackhouse. this particular crackhouse is also the home of his on/off girlfriend. she has no teeth. anyway, so the guys that ran over my uncle, they are crack dealers which makes this crime not so random. the kicker, my little brother KNOWS THEM!! yeah, the guys who hit my uncle hangout with my dad! amazing!

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  • User Comments: [1]
    ::nearly dies laughing:: Oh God... Oh God oh Man.. that's horrible.

    Get this my cuzin is living with my grandma and he's decided to turn her house into a- guess what? A CRACK STOP. It's like 7-11 but for crack and it's awesome. No not really but you'll hear why this is funny.

    He's downstairs with the garage open and the gate's down so you can't get into the garage but you can for damn sure stop by for some crack and a cup of koolaid.

    While he's in the process of pimping bitches, having them ******** in my grandma's downstairs apt, while selling crack, giving people Koolaid (and in the proces BREAKING ALL THE ******** GLASSES in the house) he is also watching over my grandma which he did not expect.

    This ***** is her mofo Butler/maid/bath swabber/vacuum cleaner/live in nurse almost (it's kinda sad we got a crackhead for filling my bitchy grandmother 's need to nurture and control something).

    He also has to run her errands, pick her wrinkly cranky a** up outta the shower/bath and take her back to bed, OH YES. And be damned if he drinks her O.J. It's ON like Tyson and Hollyfield. She'll tell on him to my momma/auntie and everybody be askin him why the ******** he drink her OJ and why the hell the heater up so ******** high and why the s**t is the toilet broken- because he was ******** some b***h on it..I mean some really trifflin s**t.

    SO here's the irony. He's TIRED of her "being mean to him", "using him", "funkin s**t up after he cleans it all" . BEING MEAN TO THE CRACKHEAD WHO HAS TURNED HER HOUSE INTO A 24/7 CRACKSTOP!? The ridiculousness of this WHOLE conversation that REALLY actually happened. WE had to call a family meeting a white folks "intervention" because Gammy ( my grandma) is being mean to her crackhead.
    I actually feel bad for this ***** because my grandma is that much of a conniving b***h that shes actually made the crackdealer feel BAD about himself. HOW IRONIC!

    Now he's cleaning up the hosue all the time behind her because he doesn't wanna get kicked out of his "crackstop" and EVERYONE knows she's home there. Cause you'll ring the doorbell and if she's gotta get outta bed to answer it, she'll give you the evil eye so Willis ( my cuzin ) broke the damn doorbell so everyone has to come knock on the garage and get they fix.

    SO ONE DAY! She runs outta cigs. She aint supposed to be smokin no how. She actually gets up, DIALS everyone in the family ( my mom, me, my 2 cuzins, my aunt, my dad, my bro Eugene) EVERYONE to come bring her a pack of Salem Slims. BUT WE AINT DOING IT so what does she do.

    She goes to the front of the house, opens the window and damn near accosts a crackhead and tells said crackhead to go buy her a damn pack of cigs! Because SHE WANTS A GOD DAMN SMOKE AND SHE NEEDS HER CIGS. And she does this all without raising her voice without being mean but Will is pissed as s**t because that crackhead is scared like hell/confused as ******** about this cranky old biddy bitchin over her cigs.

    My crackhead dealing cuzin just lost ALL his street cred because he's a crackhead butler and EVERYBODY knows it. OH LORD That's my life. It gets worse but seriously damn.

    The s**t we go thru with those 2. It's like the dysfunctional Odd Couple/Sally Met Harry/ Two in a Half men minus 1 bullshit, that you would see on a ghetto static covered stolen cable B.E.T late TV Show.

    We should make MONEY off the s**t in our lives. That right there woulda been a wonderful episode of the Boondocks.

    Welcome to the Crackstop, How can I help you? Oh yes we're stocked up just put your money thru these here bars. That will that be 2 rocks, 2 Red koolaids and a pack of marlboros today at _____. Thank you and see you tomorrow.

    comment Eloquent_Soliloquy · Community Member · Sat Jan 10, 2009 @ 09:10am
    User Comments: [1]

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