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My Goodbye

I don’t really know where to start to be honest. There are so many things that need to be done, so many words left unsaid. No time left to say it all, no roads left to follow, no paths there to turn. Before I felt so lost because I never thought anyone would remain by my side for long, and even if they did I was sure something would happen and I would be pulled away from them again. I have always wondered this world dark and alone, and whenever I thought things would begin to change or become better it was only for a short while, almost as if fate was playing some cruel joke on me. Giving me a taste of joy, happiness, light… then suddenly it would be taken away from me. Having my entire life foreplay this way lead my mind to believe that I would be fated to live my life alone. In terms I’ve become somewhat of a pessimist… instead of hanging on to those I should hold close, I push them away. Maybe it because I don’t want to give them the chance to become close, I don’t want them to grow fond of me only to have me hurt them in the end. Maybe I’m afraid that if I open up to them and learn to trust them, ill grow dependant on them. And maybe when I need them most they may not be there for me….

This is what I wanted to say most, I’ll be leaving gaia for a while now perhaps maybe even for good. I know have been off and on but now I think its time I finally said goodbye. A lot of people have been asking my why I’ve decided to leave so ill give my explanation.

About two weeks back my life took a turn for the worst. My friend’s house was set to blaze while I was inside along with her. Apparently a day before her ex-boyfriend caught word that I had been staying with her the weekend and he carried a hatred for me that I was unaware of. The moment the fire was started the smoke begin to fill the house instantly we were force to flee out into the front of the house since the fire was started in the rear. There her Ex boyfriend awaited our arrival accompanied by four of his friends. Words were exchange and one thing lead to another. He and I fought and I quickly gain the upper hand he then drew knife he brought with him and he dove at me with it, the blade pierced my shoulder bone and went completely through the bone. At that moment I thought my life was going to end that night. He followed the attack by kicking his boot into my chest knocking me on to my back. He pinned me down with his foot then pulled the knife out of my shoulder. He pursued by sending his left fist in slamming into the side of my face several times. He eventually paused and stared fiercely into my eyes and then criticize me for being a mixed breed; a combination of racial slurs and profanity. He rose the knife into the air and attempted to slash me across the face, I lifted my left hand into the air in a ineffective attempt to block the attack. The attempt ended in my wrist being slit horizontally. My adrenalin begin to pump furiously and a sleeping fear… anger.. Rage begin to over take my mind and body. Moments later my vision began to blacken around the edges going into acute tunnel vision. At that point I must have blacked out because nothing else I can remember…. When I came to there was a intense burning sensation and sharp pain in my left wrist, it was grasped tightly by my right hand. I imminently notice the sky was filled with a burning orange night horizon. Police sirens echoed through out the air and ashes rain to the ground… To my right police cars approaching with great haste. To my left my attention was caught immediately by the sniffles and crying of my friend. She was there sitting, her arms folded around her knees, her head buried into her arms… and there………. in front of me laid the corpse of her ex boyfriend. At that very moment my body was overtaken with a ghastly terror, and tears of sorrow begin to build within my eyes. Apparently neighbors witnessed the event a called the local authorities. Before I could even begin to comprehend what kind of horrific event that had taken place I was immediately approached by two police officers. Each of them stood on one side of me and lifted me to my feet I was then cuffed and was told by two females officers that I was arrested for murder. I looked over to her… the girl that was source of it all and yell out to her… “ Alexis ! “ I cried…. She looked into my eyes as I called out to her… then lowered her head turning it away with shame, fear, abandonment. I turned my head toward the ground and closed my eyes softly filled with in an intense grief, a small tear rolled down from my left eye off the side of my cheek. There must have been a total of twelve police cars as I was placed in the back seat of the utmost center car an ambulance lead by four police cars and followed by several more. At that point I had never felt like more of criminal than that point of my entire life.. For some reason the thought of a different girl begin to flood my mind. One that I thought would be there for me…. One I wanted to trust.

I was set on bail a few days later and is currently awaiting the trail for the court date. I suffered an acute illness due to several unknown circumstances. I was sent to be checked out at my local hospital it turns out I’m suffering from early development of cancer. I was told it can be caught now and treated accordingly but ill have to come across the necessary means of payment for the surgery. I don’t have the money for that currently and my parents are looking for away to help me. After the sudden abandonment by my friend…. I felt like I really needed to know if I had at least one person that would stand with me and be my side. I didn’t want to go through that abandonment again.

To top it off I lost the friendship of the one girl I thought would be there for me no matter what, the one girl I thought I could trust… she wont talk with me for any reason as of now. So I’ve decided to let any ties of friendship we had left die and fade away. I mean it would seem she’s willing to…. So maybe its for the best. I didn’t want our friendship to die, I didn’t want use to stop talking regardless of what you’ve done. I wanted to remain in your life forever… and I wanted you to forever to be in mine. Be it just friends * Shakes head * ….. Goodbye … everyone..