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"It's in the center of my torso, behind my eyes and in the back of my head."
There has just been a lot going on. A lot of emotions due to current, and not so current, feelings and events.
"Our favorite song's been repeating all night."
I've been trying to get over it, but everything is still reminding me lately.
"All I need (is to sit and rest my head)."
It feels like those emotions are never going to change, and that's unhealthy because I will never mean as much as that person will mean to me. Even though, for a moment, I thought I had the chance that the feelings could be the same.
"Nothing makes sense anymore."
It's very over, and I should very well be moved on, except that those feelings have always been there and now that they are re-emerged, I don't know if I will be able to hide them anymore, and I need to. I need to be able to hide them. But I just don't understand how the whole chain of events happened. ..I should have been stronger, I should have been stronger.
"Yes I know what I've done."
I know that I have changed everything. I know that it's going to hurt for me more. Every single day it will hurt more for me. And I know I will cry because of it.
"Tomorrow, it will be easier to forgive myself."
I hope that someday I won't be hurting like this anymore. I hope that everything will be fine again. But even more, I wish that everything could have stayed forever.
"The saddest songs can sing themselves, and just sing along."
I try to keep myself busy so I won't have to think about it. I keep myself busy so that no one can see what is really going on... even though it's killing me inside.
"I know all the awful things that no one needs to know."
Everything inside of me I try to keep inside. I try to take of it myself. I don't need to bother others with my troubles. He doesn't need to know, that average Joe, nor does She, that plain Jane. I know all of the details in myself.
"To me it's everything."
The situation made me happier and sadder than I have been in a very long time, if ever, and at the same time. It was a very defining experience, and I don't want it to be over. With all the hurt, I don't want it to be over.
"Abandon all hope."
I know that it was a very short thing. And I know it was probably meaningless in the end. But it wasn't meaningless to me. It was something very important and special.. And perfectly inperfect. It was dysfunctional as ever could be, but it was the world. And now it's over and nothing will ever be the same, and nothing will be that dysfunctionally perfect, either.
"But I feel like I forgot something."
I knew from the start that it wasn't going to be anything, and I wanted to pretend anyways, because pretending makes us happy. But somewhere along the lines, I suppose I forgot?
"Now, place your ear to my lips."
We all have things in life that have happened for better and for worse. And in this case, I'm not quite sure. But I don't believe in regret, and I'm not sure it would be something I would regret. I'm not sure I can say I would take it all back if I were given the chance to repeat it again, from the beginning. I may just enjoy it for what it was and try to move on, like I was supposed to. Without the feelings. Or maybe it was good for me to feel and be hurt again. Aside from being jaded and uncaring now, it might have concluded to be a growing experience.
"So, Doctor, that is the gist of a large part of the situation I am tired of running from," MT says slowly... Thinking of the album, and how, even though so different, it relates to some of the feelings.
"Of course there is more to it. Not just that situation. But of course, we always tell our Doctors what troubles us most, do we not? And what else is there in the world to trouble me when I run away from it all?"
 mixedtape · Sat Sep 03, 2005 @ 07:49am · 0 Comments |
