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So it's July 17, 08 really nothing has changed much nothing seems to matter anymore it all seems such a waist of energy. Im still working at the telegram tried applying for a job as a circulation manager not sure it will ever happen they want me where I am for now. I demanded more money and that did happen not as much as I asked but they gave me more. The place has changed a lot things are going down hill but im hoping it's now on the upswing. A guy I hated was fired today he made a huge mistake and got in the editors face. I think it's going to be ok now I couldn't stand the guy most of the time. He thought he was big s**t I wanted to bash his face into the paper machine. He called Shanna a b***h one day that pissed me off but I was not there when he said it. I don't know what I would have done I was so sick of his bullshit. Hes a worthless pothead punk and a goddamn coward. I so wanted to make him piss his pants but losing my job wasn't worth it.

Anyway I have $4000 saved and a few hundred more to play with. I never planned to stay there longer then a year but I have benefits and im making more now to so I don't know. Im not sure what else I would want to do so for now im just working as I have since I began and have saved as much as I could. My car had a flat the other day got it fixed fast all was well from there on. I was stressed about it I didn't need the headache. My checks are going to be bigger and all but my life still seems very empty im confused about what I need I know what I want but every day that I try to get the things in life I care about they seem farther away. I can't stand all the failures. I have been losing weight lost about 45lbs been walking a lot and lifting weights stuff like that. I need to lose more but it's coming off just takes awhile.

Around the 4th Jennifer was here I have not seen her in years and have not spoke to her since I told her I loved her. She came with her dad to see us all and she brought her kids. It was not easy for me to deal with I didn't like it at all. We talked some but really not much was said. I helped her with the kids a bit while they were here it seems to me she dose a lot on her own and her father dose not like her husband. He was not here he was supposed to come as well but he had to work. I kept looking at her thinking about the past about our nights cuddling on the couch in front of the tv and playing video games my hand going up under her skirt. I wonder what she thought when she visited us for those few days. As I said we talked but nothing of the past came up and unlike the last time we spoke nothing more was said about me being single. Although I did talk to her dad about my problems with a friend of mine.

I don't know she seems happy but from what I seen and heard I don't think it's a very good life. Her husband is a DJ and they live with his mom nothing was said about his father. Randy her father mad a joke about why women always liking jerks and he paused. My father or someone said ok whats the punchline. He said I though Jennifer would know she has a lot of experience or some s**t like that. I know he aimed that at her husband. I believe she got pregnant and they just got married because of that but I really don't know. It pissed me off a lot when I heard she had gotten married I was about to lose it when I heard she not only got married but she had a kid about the same time. I honestly wanted her to be with me some day I thought things would happen. Few girls in my life have ever treated me very well and she was the only one I really felt I had much chance with.

Well I moved on I later got screwed over by another friend. Then again I attempted to find love and again it failed. Now im having problems getting over Shanna. Her relationship with this guy Ryan pisses me off. She has kids and he wants nothing to do with them really. Her daughter dose not like the guy and he hardly sees Shanna because he is always gone. She told me she happy with that she doesn't want a guy around all the time. Women piss me off they seem to never know what the hell they want or they treat me like im some fool. I truly believe Shanna thinks im something im not. We have argued a bit about my lifestyle she thinks I do nothing but sit on my a** and play video games. Half the time I was at her house but not anymore. She doesn't like me there all the time. I need to escape being with her and playing with her daughter makes me feel good. It's a double edged sword I feel good because im playing with her little girl helping to care for her and all but then I am with Shanna but not. I can't hold her I can't say anything it would be pointless she doesn't want me.

I will be there watching tv with Shaelin or reading with her stuff like that and Shanna will walk off. I helped pick her up from school numerous times I have taken her to school and to dance classes, stayed with her while she was sick, watched her at the store while Shanna shopped I have done a lot. I am afraid I will lose them eventually but they are not mine in the first place. I do not believe she really loves Ryan but im not sure she wants to love anyone. Everyone thinks her relationship with Ryan is a joke. I talked once awhile back with her mother and she didn't think much of Ryan he is away all the time and really doesn't want kids. They see each other rarely and only when her daughter is not around or awake. I have spent a lot of time with Shanna and her family never once have I met the guy. I heard him on the phone but that was it. People tell me he doesn't exist shes making it up. He is real and I tell them that everyone who knows the truth of it thinks just as I do that it's a pointless relationship. I worry about her and Shaelin I probably shouldn't.

Shaelin broke her arm awhile back and she had to borrow a lot of money from Ryan because the insurance was not working at the time. Ryan is rich there is no joke about that. From the way I understand it his family is old money. I can not care for her the way he can I can't there is just no way I can match him. The only difference between me and him is that I am a kid person and he has money. I got Shanna a job with me I drive her to work and from work most days I even take Shaelin to daycare or school before we go. I love Shanna but I don't know why I bother loving anyone anymore. I feel like no one cares. It doesn't matter nothing will change her opinion of me she thinks im to young im sure of that and she doesn't think im mature enough. Shes never said why she would never date me but shes said it. She told a lady at work she would never date me she bitches at me all the time for my methods of trying to ask out other women. She even bitched because she thought I was falling for a girl I met who had a past drug problem.

I don't know why my luck is so bad I attract women who are screwed up in the head and everyone I actually love refuses to even try. The women I care about seem to think they know me but they don't know jack and they are so hard headed nothing I do matters to them. I could get a top position in some business buy a house and a nice car dress up in a suit and they would never care. They see me as some loser and nothing more. Shanna honestly thinks I play games all night long and stuff like that. She thought I blew all my money on junk until she realized I had a few thousand saved. I said something one day about a girl I was talking to online about my poetry and she gave me this odd look and said you write poetry. No one knows me or understands how I feel I can't figure them out. I have felt alone for a long time but now more then ever. I just can't stand to be around many people now days they all seem screwed in the head.