As they say if you dont give a friendship loving attention and care it dies just like an unwatered plant thats left in the cold darkness

I am once again back to square one
the only difference being im older psychically

As stated by so many sensible others
You first must love yourself
Meaning you have to learn how to live alone
For in the end we always are even with friends and family because were the only ones who have half a clue as to whats going on in our minds

But in that sense we are all alike
Were all loner losers together with our family and best friends

So as i was saying
Im once again trying to learn how to live with myself
I have no clue how to do that because i get bored easily

Then again when alone i think and sleep and gallop around crowing cheerfully all by myself
So maybe i do have some idea as how to live with myself

This leads to me thinking about finals and college and getting a job
The year is almost over i feel like part of me is fading
But as one part fades another grows clearer
Right now the image is still fuzzy
I can some what tell what its going to be but as always with the truth im in denial
College is not for everyone but i want money so i can live with out overwhelming finacial problems
I want a job but im scared shitless because i still feel like a noob who has no idea whats going on around me
Then again lots of people get nervous with their firsts of anything completely new and alien

I just noticed half my name is in the word denial adenia
Ive read in a book this quote
Im not happy im cheerful being happy means you have NO responsiblites or problems cheerful means you HAVE problems and responsibiltes but you can handle them

Oh yah i had my bottom wisdom teeth pulled out
They gave me two shots on my left and 3 on right
The right side still hurts the most
My teeth were fully intact cept for the very tip of the roots
I felt i was brave now i just feel kinda stupid because i can barely eat chips
My mom took me to olive garden after it
I had the lemonade which drove my mouth crazy with pain
Its been 9 or ten days since then
My teeth are still a bit sensitive and i have no clue when the spots where my teeth were will quit bleeding and let me eat normally again
They put a lot of pressure on my jaw trying to get the teeth out
I dont think the right side of my jaw will allow me to open my mouth to its widest ever again

I so need to work on my people skills
Reading is fine just dont do it so much that you have no clue how to communicate to fellow bipeds
Then again that might not be totally correct
so fellow blobs of dirt

If you think about it thats all we are dirt
and thats all everything else is dirt
or a gas or liquid ....
molecules atoms
for me molecules and atoms just mean dirt

Humans are the most irrational and confusing things in all exsistence
We try to make numbers and sense out of everything but in the end its no use
For most or some or all people are influenced by emotions which are crazy all by themselves

Another thing that blew my mind was the book 1984 or something
How do we know the world really exsists?
How do we know ANYTHING truely exsists?
How do we know if life and history is a lie?
Mind over matter
What if all the world pain pleasure sights sounds and feelings are just all in our head?
Wouldnt it be scary if it was all a dream and then we woke up back in the begining or before the begining just floating in oblivion?

There was one moment in my life where i was floating in oblivion or nothing and there was nothing then again nothing sounds like something and anything and everything did not exsist in where i was floating
It happened in 9th grade English class
I sometimes long for that moment again to have it last longer

Overall right now after the dirt thingy im just writing whatever floats in the top of my mind
Dangit now i forgot what i was going to right
Something about life and time
When i think about it some more i'll write it down in the next log

Those who are offended
cuz there always those who are
Please ignore my comments and get on with you life