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I just can't understand why... |
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There have been many things in the past months that have been knocking me down. Deaths, arguments, over busy stress, internship rejection, bills, etc etc. But for the past 4-6 months the one that has hit me the hardest is my mother.
Sometime ago she made friend with some of my brothers friends (she's 46, they're MY age early 20's). Normally I'd have nothing against the people, and usually I'd never try to claim that I was better then anyone else. But I really just can't understand WHY my mother chooses them over me? I've always been a great student, a very well behaved kid, true I might be a little antisocial, but I was always the first to help her if she asked, and I love doing stuff with her. I've got a job, I go to school.. They range from jobless/transiant part time job workers, the one she's closest to has been to prison (true it was a sucky charge, but none the less.. ), and pretty much all they do is come over here and get drunk. Sometimes it's every night a week. Sometimes I'm luckier and it's only 2-3 times a week.
She doesn't spend any time with me anymore, claiming that I'm always gone or 'upstairs'. I'll ask her to watch a movie when I get home and she'll claim she's tired. Amazing how she can turn around and stay up until 2 am 'talking' and drinking with them. Not to mention my mom is a MEAN drunk, so alot of times by the time I get home from work she's so buzzed that if I try to say anything at all I get yelled at and treated like I'm a heartless b***h.
I don't know if she's screwing one of them (a guy who graduated with me and just yesterday was BRAGGING about how he missed like 45 days of school his senior year because of skipping), but it seems likely considering the fact that he follows her like a puppy and is always hear. Not to mention how often they sleep in her room, with the door locked. It's upseting that she'd sleep with a guy my age, more so that she thinks I'm so ******** stupid that I wouldn't realize. Not to mention she DOES have a boyfriend.
Part of me is worried she's having a midlife crisis, going through some hormonal menopausal freak out and that I should help her. Try and save her from ******** up her life (because not going to work because you're hung over all the time really isn't good in the long run, right? Not to mention the potential problems down the line if she IS screwing the young guy). But then she just does these things over and over again that shove me further and further away.
Last night for instance, I get home and sit down to eat. Not even 10 minutes pass and I get a call from her boyfriend. He's been trying to call her all day and she won't answer. He's obviously worried to death about her, it's almost 10pm.
So I ask everyone I can, my brother starts calling people, noone knows where the hell she is, or where she even planned to be. It's 10:30, we're freaking out, I finally decide to drive out to 'his' house. Well of course, there they are, I'm obviously upset.
She claims they were fishing (They had poles, so who knows, they could have been. I somehow doubt you fish at 10 at ******** night though. Not to mention the bullshit "oh my phone doesn't work out there". Even if they WERE fishing it stings me more then I can even explain that she doesn't do s**t with me, but she can take out 5 hours of her day to go fishing with him). I tell her that noone knew where she was, how would feel if it were me or Kenny nowhere to be found (well knowing the answer, because she calls my phone worried if I'm not home from work by 10) and I get an eyeroll. A look like "b***h, mind your own business".
I'm just done. I don't know what to do. I just want to be gone and leave, since it's obvious she's chossen them over me. It hurts that she has, it hurts everyday that those ******** losers are more special and more deserving of her time then me. But then she's my mom. If something is wrong.. if she needs help. I'd never forgive myself if I abandoned her.
What do I do? Every attempt to talk has gone unwell. I can't even look at her today. I just don't know anymore. I don't understand.
Iris_virus · Wed Apr 23, 2008 @ 06:39pm · 2 Comments |
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