Written 4/22/8
Gaia is like a confession booth for me. Everyone I know is well aware that this is my favorite thing on Earth, well, after the Spice Girls. yet hardly anyone I know is an active member. The 3-4 members that I truly know are wonderful friends, and I tell them pretty much anything anyways. But sometimes I have these frighteningly honest discussions with complete strangers. Its liberating. Topics that I wouldn't broach with people I knew, who knew me and my circumstances. Sex, control, dreams, fears, monogamy, humanity, and the things that I love and hate about myself.
Talking to a stranger is like talking to a mirror. You can say anything you want, and it all bounces back to you, startling and bare.
The past few months have been an awkward haze of physical pain and drugs. I've been living in a cell where everything that comes in and out is filtered by that. Now I am finally recovering nicely and some many room in myself seem empty.
I'm craving new experiences again. I'm having fun, going out, contacting old friends, dressing up crazy, but I'm also sifting through a trove of emotions that I've tucked away. A few of them are frighteningly powerful. sweatdrop
I am marrying a man who I love more than I can describe. He is sweet and beautiful, intelligent, deep, and we are an amazing compliment to each other. Though it feels as though he is detached from my reality. I almost want someone to shake him and say. 'Look what you have! Involve yourself in her world!' I don't want to lay down each night overflowing with little bits of things that excited me through the day that I'm dying to share with the man I'm sharing my life with.
Don't get me wrong. He is a wonderful listener. He makes me feel special in other ways. He treats me very well. Its just that need isn't being met. I feel insignificant. I have terrible self esteem problems.
Thats a whole new entry, isn't it.. lol
Night.
 Caticus · Wed Apr 23, 2008 @ 06:13pm · 0 Comments |
