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Kris's life
ok... so i decided i'm going to do this (finally) and put all my crazy stuff out for everyone to see
New rules of the world
These should be the rules of the real world.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids:.... lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that "watery taste". Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a*****e. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a HUGE a*****e.

New Rule and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I piss, some chick is offering me a towel, perfume and a mint like I just had sex with Ellen DeGeneres. I can't even tell if she's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, lady. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: Stop sending me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 20 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People were acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your a**. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting?

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months: "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.


Krislovejmt
Community Member
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