up until recently,
i never knew what i wanted to do with my life.
never knew where i was headed,
never knew why i was here.
i think i have found the reasons.
friends that i can lean on,
family that i never felt i had.
things in life,
like my family,
make me feel secure with who i am,
its never been that way before.
people look at me,
they see a girl whose watched too many movies,
they tell me to go see a shrink,
to grow up,
to start acting my age,
but what is 14 to you?
its an undefinable number in the ladder of phsycology.
what is 14 to 16?
what is 14 to 6.
there isnt a difference.
never in my life have i felt like im finally stepping through the fog.
the fog that kept me clinging onto memories,
like a child refusing to grow up.
she grasps her blanket in her hand.
as time goes on,
she lets go of it,
and the soft cloth rolls off her fingers.
wandering in that fog was like living your life half asleep,
one day meshed into another,
and i struggled to keep going.
in fact i almost gave up.
like an ongoing parade,
all the bad deeds followed me,
hovering over me like a dark rain cloud.
i was running from somthing i knew was there;
things that were inevitable and would come with life.
i was afraid to step out of my perfect routine,
and that had me digging my own grave.
my arms grew sore;
i was digging my own grave and it hurt.
it hurt badly.
people would pass by,
faces i recognised but barley knew.
it was a half awake world.
but then i had a few people stop by,
go out of their way to fill the grave in again,
to sit on the muddy ground and talk to me,
let me reveal a small portion of that pain.
they've lifted me up,
shown me that i can prudly wear my skin.
just with their words,
and i will never be able to thank them enough.
these people told me to find one thing i love,
one thing that can keep me going,
one thing that made me happy.
and i found it.
then, i built off of it,
slowly pulling myself out of the sady pit.
i fell back in,
and there were several hands,
pulling and pushing me back to the surface.
they weren't giving up on me,
so i shouldnt give up on me either.
things at home may not always seem pleasant,
and most of the time they aren't.
but i found comfort in the people who had gone out of the way to pull me out of my ditch,
the people who had taken their time to talk with me,
and the people who had single handedly brought me back to life.
those people once again made room for me in their hearts.
and i cannot express my gratitude enough.
so now i sit here,
finnishing up my last recouperation.
finding comfort in the words of gratitude.
people may not understand me,
they may not care.
people may see a girl who has watched too many movies,
a girl who takes self pity,
and a person in need to a shrink,
but i dont care what they think anymore.
their icy tounges may slice my flesh,
break my heart,
but my head wont be touched.
because inside my head,
ill always remember what those people did for me,
and i will work all my life to try and give to others,
what my family gave to me.
and so i sit here, writing this confession,
this letter of gratitude,
because now i have a goal,
now i feel secure,
now i remember how to love.
i love those people,
their arms wide when they hug me,
i know that.for sure.
i know that i love them.
· Mon Apr 14, 2008 @ 01:40pm · 3 Comments