I'm having friend issues right now.
It started last fall, and it went like this:
My friend, who we'll call Kay here, has been notoriously pasive aggresive. She's been my best friend for seven years, and all of a sudden, she started ignoring me and (I was sure) talking about me behind my back. So, confused, I sent her this email:
I realize, from our conversation earlier today, that I have upset you a lot over the last few months. I now know why and I understand your position completely. Don't close this window just yet! There are some things I want you to hear. Please understand that as good friends, as I thought we were, perhaps the time to talk about this would have been over the course of the last six months, when you were so badly hurt?
What I find rather ironic is that you feel I have deeply hurt you, (and I have no doubt I have) but I feel that you have been going out of your way to hurt me. Once again, don't close the window yet. It seems to me that you argue with nearly everything I say. You have been avoiding me (I now know why). Everything I enjoy and want to share with you, you seem do dismiss or outright insult. You belittled me in front of the rest of our friends. And, as I understand, these are the exact same reasons you are angry at me. As upset and angry at me as you are, I'm just as upset and angry at you. Don't take it to heart. Perhaps we should have had a heart to heart along time ago?
You're probably saying something along the lines of, "What?" or "How did I do that?" That's exactly what I thought when you freaked out on the phone today. I didn't think I had been hurting your feelings that badly, but I'll admit one thing: it was sort of self defense. Don't close the window. What I felt like is that the last couple of years, you have been incredibly insensitive to my feelings. I didn't realize that I was lashing out that much. You always seemed like the 'invincible Ricki' when it came to things like the things that upset you. It never seemed like you cared that much about that kind of thing...am I really that ignorant? I didn't think so, but apparently you think I am. Just to be safe, I'm going to ask you again not to close the window. Please keep in mind, that as long as you have known me, I have always been on "your side " (I don't mean about stupid little things like the Red Sox or Rockies) and gotten into trouble for being very verbal about protecting you as a friend.
A relationship takes two people, Kay, and I have seldom felt like you care much about my feelings. I am sincerely, truly sorry if you felt the same way. We have been friends for...God, how many years?...and if this is the end of it, let's let it go like civilized people. If it's not, and since you feel like you're going to explode when you talk to me, then I'll be happy to take a break from each other for a while. We don't want bits of Kay all over the cafeteria. I don't think the custodians (or I) would like that very much. Talk about traumatizing.
Before I leave, please know I care about you deeply. I want to communicate, not just have you call and jump my a** and make me feel like an idiot. I have never done this to you, to my knowledge. I am willing to have a good talk and set boundaries. Having you be angry and loud, especially when I don't even know what is going on, has to stop. You have done things like this to me several times before. I know that I too am at fault. Maybe I should have tried to talk to you a long time ago. If I told you that I had problems with how we were interacting, I thought you might take it badly. Man, was I wrong! but again, my feelings never seemed to be important. Are you willing to talk, not shout, to me? Can we have your mom, or some other authority figure, help us chill out? I'm trying to make this work. If that's not your choice, fine. Know I will always care about you, and admire you, whatever your choice. However; do we have to be angry at each other?
At the risk of you exploding right now, I'm going to wrap it up. But before I go, I want to let you know how much I care about you as a friend and a surrogate sister. The only sister I have ever had or will have, by the way. I don't exactly enjoy when people are furious at me. I also know you well enough to know that if I don't say something exactly right (and I just know I didn't say this right) it will make you even more cross. Please consider what I said and thank you so much for hearing me out.
Don't explode without telling me first. Please?
Sincerely, with love and hope,
Now, that was calm and unoffensive, right? Without any background, that was inoffensive, mature, and calm. If I'm wrong, drop a comment! Please! And, "Kay", if you're reading this, you need to chill. You were raised better. Anywho, she wrote me back,
Everything in yellow are your unstable arguments, don't close the window. T.L., you can't expect me to change these things when you don't yourself. I belittled you in front of the NDRA? Are you talking about the time when you wouldn't stop gettting on my case about how "Doctor Who" will always and forever be your favorite show and then compared it to my obsession with Bowling for Soup? Do you know how long I've been in love with that band? 3 years. How long have you loved "Doctor Who"? Since the summer. I told you that I'd believe you were truly obsessed after 3 years, didn't I? Plus the fact that you never stay obsessed with something nearly as long as you think (e.g. Dragons, Runescape, Sly Cooper, Karaoke, most bands, "Tru Calling," singing, acting, soccer, ect., ect.)! I argue with everything you say? How about the time you told me that it was stupid to be excited about Sims 3 coming out? T.L, the only time I've argued with you in the past couple of months was for calling you out on some of the statements you make. Like how you brought up the conversation of the Rockies losing and how upsetting it was. I was calling you out on making the statment you did about how I was rubbing it in your face. I exploded because what you were practically baiting me. Why even bring up the topic? Seriously? My feelings never seemed important. How can you even have the nerve to say that, T.L? Do you want to know the real reason I didn't join debate? 'Cause I don't think you ever cared to find out. And I know you're thinking something along the lines of, "well you never care to find out anything about me." It's because I figure you'll tell me when you want to, because I don't jump to conclusions like you do. I generally have at least 10 real facts before I make an argument, especially about a friend. Or, if I'm curious, I'll ask you why you don't do/like something. But I guess jumping to conclusions is the be st method when debating. Whatever.
The blue is why I'm so angry at you and what you don't seem to get. It's the whole feeling that you think of me like a surrogate sister. My sister and I don't do this to each other. When we call the other out on something, we apologize and try not to do it again. But after God knows how many times I've called you out on doing something, you always do it again anyway. And if you want me to stop arguing, stop attacking/provoking me verbally! And don't act like the martyr, saying, "I've never done that," because you have, and I know you know it; we've known each other for 6 years, there's no way you couldn't. Invincible Kay? You of all people should know how easy it is to make me cry, which I'm actually doing as we speak. Just because I can put on a strong face doesn't mean you can't hurt me, because you do constantly, just to make yourself feel better, which is the worst part. Does it really make you feel better to tell me I wouldn't be good at debate? Because that seems l ike the only plausible reason you'd say something like that, when you know I only argue when I have a good reason to. Do you even realize how much it scares me to tell someone some of the things I've told you? I hate sharing secrets, T.L! That's why I won't tell you who my crush is, should I have one, so stop friggin' pestering me. That's another way we're not sisters. My sister knows that I'm guarded about the stupidest things, and doesn't bother me about it; you do. You keep hiding under this umbrella, of "Oh we're sisters, so it doesn't matter that I say this," because you need to be held accountable for all of the ways you've hurt me. I can't remember the last time you've apologized and meant it, because I know in your head you're still trying to believe I'd be a crappy debater and that I shoved the fact that I'm a Red Sox fan in your face and that my view on your love of Doctor Who doesn't hold water. Sisters don't do this kind of stuff to each other, and if they do, I'm glad my sister and I don't.
This, to me, seemed a completely innapropriate response. Without any background, can you say that this was innappropriate? Do you think she was justified?
I wrote her,
I didn't write this letter for you to get angry at me. I was trying to be mature about it and not completely LOSE IT! I spent an hour on that letter trying to be friendly and non-critical! Maybe you shouldn't attack me verbally, and that is what your letter feels like to me. Maybe you shouldn't scream at me for trying to be civilized and not lose it on my best friend. I was trying to be calm and collected when I wrote that, and your reply was completely hostile. Sorry, Ricki, I don't know what it's like to have a sister! What, do you think I would just have inborn experience with having a sister?!
By the way, I've loved Doctor Who for two years. But why do you bring that up here? It's completely irrelevant.
And about all those time's I've pissed you off or upset you. Do you think I purposefully insult/belittle/upset you? You you ACTUALLY THINK I wake up in the morning and go, "I'll go piss off Kay today!" As far as I'm concerned, I've been behaving the same around you for seven years, even if you think differently. Stop blaming me for EVERYTHING! Can you at least accept that at least a tiny, miniscule, microscopic bit of the blame goes to you? YOU'RE NOT PERFECT! In fact, I'M NOT PERFECT! But at least I can accept that.
I give up. I really, really give up. You have pissed me off, screamed in my face, and lost it on me for the last time. Yes, and there have been times you have done this before. I do not really feel like backing my own arguments up right now. We're arguing, and I don't even know what about! Hooray, I'm a crappy friend! I tried to be nice and tell you my side of the issue and you chastise me!
I'm more upset than I have ever been in my life, here. Believe it, I too have been crying and worrying over this, Kay, and I'm crying now. Amazing! T.L has feelings! And thank you for telling me, over and over, that I am the worst human being on the planet. Thanks for pointing out all my faults.
Go ahead and scream at me some more. I've had enough.
You're going to find loopholes in my thoughts or some reason why my feelings aren't real. I don't care anymore. I know I was the one that originally contacted you, but just leave me alone. I'm done. It's over. I don't want it to be, I really really don't. But I refuse to keep listening to how horrible I am. I think the same goes for you. What do you want me to do here, Kay? What do expect me to say or do? Even when I am sincere and civilized, you don't believe me. You took my attempted apology and and categorize it with the "T.L's a Bad Friend" stuff.
Oh, and by the way, stop telling our other friend I'm the most insensitive person on earth and that I've been abusing you as a friend or whatever. She's pissed at me now. This isn't her argument and I would like to have a least one person I may call a friend.
Kay, I will tell you this one last time, either believe or not, it is up to you. I truly love and respect you as a friend, although obviously calling you a surrogate sister has pissed you off. I have already apologized and I don't think I need to again. I honestly didn't know I had hurt your feelings because you never told me! I am trying to grow up, here, and figure things out too, and I obviously missed the mark with you. I am sorry our friendship is ending this way.
So, goodbye, Kay. See you around.
She's not really spoken to me in person since. But she did send me one last email, which confirmed she'd been takling about me behind my back.
Yesterday, at a theatre camp, we'd been getting along fine all day, but when I sat next to her in the seats, she hissed, "Please don't sit next to me."
Okay, we've been friends for seven frickin years and suddenly she hates my guts.
Veni, Vidi, Vici
Basically, a summary of what goes on in my mind at any particular time. Journals are the ultimate insight into a person's mind, and I have no shame!