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Just when I think I have everything in my life figured out, I find out I don't. In fact, not only do I not have anything figured out, I have nothing period. As of yesterday, I have been erased from the life of the woman I love more than life itself. While I do respect the decision she made, I can't agree with her simply writing me out of her life. That alone just kills me. It's like in the movie 50 first dates. She taken her journal and ripped out everything that has anything even remotely to do with me. My world has crashed around me, my heart, my soul, the very fiber of my being, all shattered into millions of pieces and I don;t think I'm even going to bother to pick any of it up. She was the driving force in my life, it was to take care fo her that I wanted to do the things i did. Now, I have no reason to do anything so I may as well just go through the motions of life, but that's about it. I can't let myself get hurt anymore, nor do I want to hurt anyone else either. That being said, I think perhaps a life of solitude would be my best course of action. That way nobody gets hurt. I cry, but I have no tears left anymore, besides, crying won't bring her back anyway. Sure, maybe I carry a torch for this woman, but the fact is, She is my world, and has been for quite some time. I used to say I had no regrets in my life, only learning experiences. Well I now have one regret, that I can think of off the top of my head anyway, and that regret is that I didn't take action years ago to try to be with her when I had a legitimate opportunity. As long as she's happy though, which I will probably never know, because i've been stomped out like a cigarette butt, that will be enough for me. I may be alone myself, but I really don't care anymore, I've accepted my fate for what it is. I just wonder why I was chosen to be alone, yet given such a caring nature. If I were more cold hearted, this wouldn't matter so much to me, I could simply not have cared in the first place. Which, maybe I shouldn't have, I've often found myself asking the last two days, why did I even bother to try? I know my answer is because I love her, and always will, but why couldn't I see that I really didn't have a chance. I was fooling myself to think there was anything there, I should have known better. Now I don;t even have a friend in her. It's as if I never existed to her. How am I supposed to forget her? How am I supposed to move on? She said our conversation yesterday was supposed to be for closure, I feel no closure other than the barriers around myself closing, simply to keep myself and others safe. I'm not ruining any more lives, I'm not hurting anyone else, and I'm definately not getting hurt myself anymore. It was only days ago, I could step outside myself, look at myself and look ahead, and everything looked so bright and colorful. Now, I do the same thing and I see nothing at all, everything is black. I feel no reason to even attempt to care anymore. No reason to make an effort at life. I've fallen, gotten up, and now I simply want to walk away. I'll not play by the rules of the gods any longer. I now make my own rules, which means I get off this roller coaster called life and simply step back out of the way. I don;t want any more pain, I don't want my heart stomped on anymore. I'll stay out of the way and let everyone else do what they will, but I'll not be getting involved with anything anymore. My life is my own, and I choose to stay away, if not for my own safety, then the safety of others. Everything I try blows up in my face anyway, so why try anymore? This way, nobody gets hurt and life goes on for everyone. Seems to make sense to me. Isolation is equal to no pain, and that's what I want is no pain, I've had enough to last me for quite some time, I don't need anymore, ever again.