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Happy New Year, Douches.. |
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.. because I can't ever say anything nicely. Call it a 'dramatic flair' that really just makes me look like an uncouth moron who is eternally upset at the world.
Such a happy way to start off the first post of the new year. Please, don't applaude.
Now that at least part of my being a jerk is out of the way, on to the real reason I'm posting. Which, in all honesty, is that I haven't really got anything to say but wanted to make a post regardless. I blame looking over Rester's journal, hoping for an entry that has the slightest hint about me. (No, that is not a hint. XP)
At the moment, and since last night, I'm at my aunt and uncle's taking care of their baker's dozen of animals. It's just me, with a bunch of animals, out in the county an hour away from my home. Right now, I feel very cold, tired, very hungry, very miserable, and very isolated. To the point of tears, even. I think those are because of the 'sleep' I got last night, and my not having eaten anything in about 21 hours. And, lucky me, I'll most likely be here until Monday, by myself with the animals. Man, what I wouldn't give for someone to talk to right now. Or for maybe one of the animals in the house to start speaking English to the point that we can carry on a conversation. Which makes me feel sad, and desperate.
Sure, I could call a friend. But chances are, they're all busy doing something at the moment. Work, school, hanging out with friends, whichever. And I'm not going to call them, or anyone at home, just so I can have a 'conversation' that either consits of very little talking with long pauses, or that is so short it will have been pointless to have called in the first place.
I am definately far too city for my own good. I hate the county. Why? Because there's nothing to do! I don't have the option of going anywhere! There's just.. acres of empty road and field. Sure, there's a national park about 10 minutes walk from here, but who wants to go to a national park that's mostly beaches and marshland in the winter? Especially when they're feeling so lonely that falling into one of the marshes and not being able to get out doesn't sound like it would be so bad, besides, y'know, needing to take care of the animals and the people who'd miss me.
My issues are many, and great, and they currently feel like sharing themselves.
You know, I can just imagine the scenario now if someone were to show up. They'd see me crying, and would try to comfort me, most likely using a hug. And I'd tell them to ******** off and not touch me, because I don't need their pity. They'd be understanding, and kind, and I would be nothing but rude and ungrateful. Unless it were Solar, who'd be rude right back. That, I could handle. Sympathy and kindness when I'm feeling out of control are just things that I cannot deal with. Yeah, I know, it's ironic. I'm feeling alone, then someone shows up which would releive me of my feeling alone, and I reject them, telling them that I don't need them. Damn my being predictable and stubbornly stupid.
Wah wah cry cry b***h moan complain. That's what you should all be thinking right now, and Gods know I'll be thinking it when I read this over. Nearly always do.
Sometimes, I wish I hadn't stopped counselling when I was suicidal. Having someone to talk to, who you didn't have to worry about seeing until the next session, is calming. They don't seem partial to judging. Rereading that first sentence makes it sound like while I was suicidal, I stopped going to counselling. Not at all. Suicide attempts, drugs/talking to counsellor. That's how it went. The sessions stopped because my counsellor was moving from the THC to the Children's Aid Society. I think she asked if I wanted to be referred to someone else, but if she did I was probably too scared to try to open up to another person. So really, when you look at it, I was abandoned by the counsellor. Well, not really, but it's easy to see it that way. Didn't really talk to her all that long. Once a week for two months, I think. Not even that, because she or I had to cancel once or twice. Maybe it was three months. Close enough, either way. The pills lasted longer. I didn't like taking those pills. Knowing that my 'happiness' required taking those pills everyday is depressing. I remember, once, I was out bowling with Solar. I had spent the previous night at her house, and had forgotten to bring the bottle of pills with me. I figured I'd be okay, as I was weening off of them anyway at that point. Nope. Broke down in the bowling alley. That was embarassing. ><
But enough personal information! Pity isn't needed from you people.
I'm going to go away, now, and attempt to get some food. Maybe then I'll feel better.
Lunar Wolf-Piggy · Fri Jan 11, 2008 @ 09:36pm · 0 Comments |
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