Im always running from truth i wrap my self in sickly sweet lies and fantasies
I say that im free that way but really im not

The reality of it is that the truth really does set you free

And that one should really learn to let things go and move on or they will forever be haunted and tormented by the past

That is not living that is death...no its worse then death its limbo
Nothing has meaning and you cant make heads or tails of anything

In the end of end nothing matters because it all goes into non exsistence

I know why i forgot half my childhood

I want to start over
I dont want what happened then to be true
It hurts it burns it scorches my very being with out remorse

I know why i hide myself in books and video games and animals
Its because the characters are yours alone and they dont judge you they dont have thoughts of there own or feelings of their own for they are fictional they are make belive

And animals come on everyone with a pet knows this one
You can hug them and love them they are also your own
They have feelings and thoughts but they are not human
They wont hurt you for no reason
They are always there for you no matter what

I know why we dream of being animals
Its because were one with nature
We are no longer alienated within our own soecity
Wild animals are free
The only things we know that they have to think about is food and a mate
None of this confusing "civilzation" stuff

I never really let go of the past
I repulsively dwell upon it
Obsess about it

I revel in moments which are all the past for the present is always this milisecond in time always going and NEVER coming back

My mom oh bless her soul
She saw my doom coming
She warned me but it foolish pride i didnt listen
Thats why shes protective as she is
She knows how it feels to hurt to have your heart ripped out stomped on and tossed in the blender

You need to know enough loss to appreciate what you have
You have to know hate to know love
One cannot exsist without the other
Yin and Yang
Black and White
Right and Wrong
Apples and Bananas
Fire and Ice

Id speak more but those things even though im neutral right now and can handle it later i wont be able to again and react to it like a drug addict whos having a drawback

There is such a thing as being addicted to love
Let me tell you its not pretty

Love is not a victory march
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah
(those lyrics are not mine they belong to who ever wrote them)

Parents want you to get interested into something profitable
Why?
Because it hurts to get interested into someone who doesnt return your feelings

I guess i have changed
I remember enough to say that i was a demon and determined to get my way when I was little and i was smart

Now im emotionally weak and stupid lost in destructive fantasies
.....There i go again wishing to start over

Time doesnt give that privilege
We must get strong and move on
Or die and be non exsistent

Lies are like candy and Truth like medicine
Candy looks good and is desireable because at first it tastes good but you get a stomachache
Medicine smells looks and tastes horrible but its good for you and you only have to take it till your no longer sick
With better medicines now they dont always taste like plastic and strong mouth wash

It is true that depression is anger with out ethusiam
This is one of my rants like that

Part of me wants to stay in this state of mind
But my heart of hearts says i'll forget this and go back to my dreamy state of mind because i dont want to be hardend by the world i want to stay happy

I guess i stuck reality in my happy place is because i wanted to make myself better bit by bit

My wonderful mother says its ok for me to be me and just to make sure to take the medicine bit by bit fast enough so i dont end up lost and hurt in the furture but she also says dont do it too fast because we need loving daydreaming tolerate people in the world

I think my mom is one of those people i want to be like her when i get older
I guess thats why i like being told that i look like my mom

But then again i still want to be me whatever that is whee
Well ive lost the angisty vibe now so i'll post later when i have another major mental discovery