Note:: This was written the day before New Year's Eve. I'm sorry... Its a little more than emo. But... Every word of it is true...
I just want this year to end.
I don’t want to look back on it.
I don’t want to remember most of it.
I want a new year, and new beginnings.
Sure, there were a few moments, and a couple days that are worth remembering. There were late night conversations that made it all melt away. There were times that are still worth smiling about. But on a whole. I really, really, just want this year to say good-bye, and give in to 2008.
I must sound like a depressed idiot huh? Well, I suppose the fact of the matter is, I am depressed. That’s all there is to it. And I hate it... I hate the fact that I can’t pull myself out of it. I hate myself for worrying my parents. I hate this ******** town. I hate the ******** idiots who refuse to open their eyes, and see that everything, is not perfect.
Heh. This year... This year has been extremely hard on my family. I don’t think I’ll go far into it. The vague details is all any one needs right...?
Where to start...?? Well, money. It makes the world go round right? Well, we don’t have it. It’s as simple as that. My dad’s working in Lake City, but really, its doing us no good. First off, he’s still not making enough to pay the bills, and the mortgage. Much less get groceries, or take mom to the hospital. We’ve been in foreclosure one to many times this year. We went with out the gas for nearly two months during the fall, and have come close to losing everything several times .The cost of living is just to high... Secondly, my dad is camping. In Lake City. In the winter. He’s lost an unhealthy amount of weight, and is sleeping in the car at night. Coming home a couple weeks ago, he totaled the truck, after hitting an ice patch at the high speed of thirty miles per hour. You have no idea how scared I was that night after hearing he wrecked...
My family refuses to help us. My dad’s family believes my mother is lying about being sick, and blames her for all our problems, and my mom’s dad despised my dad, and believes his refusal to get a job here is the cause for all our problems. So, instead of making sure we’re ok, and helping us out a little more, they place the blame where none of it belongs. That’s a big help, neh?
Speaking of my mother being sick.. She’s gotten worse. Much worse... The fact of the matter is, she can hardly function right any more. Its one thing after another, and its really taking its toll on her. We don’t know what’s wrong with her now... And I’m scared. Dad says, if something doesn’t change soon, she’ll... Well, do I really need to say it? We can’t afford to take her to the hospital, and tell the doctors to fix it. We’re poor. We’re not in that coveted high class, that seems to rule our country. Oh no. We’re scum, because we can’t afford health insurance. Even if we could, at this point, that might not help. No one seems to care that my mother, Kathryn Margaret Kienle, a woman who has fought to live, and survive since she was fifteen years old, a woman who raised four children, who fought many battles, and who is one of the best, and most amazing people on the face of this earth, is ******** dying. Anywhere between two, and ten years, she could simply fade away... And no one cares. She’s my mom! She’s the woman who raised me to fight. And she can’t fight for herself any more... she’s to weak. And my dad... He’s trying to fight for her, he really is... But... When a man is working himself to death, and earning barely enough money to keep a roof over his family’s head, how is he supposed to fight much else? And me...? I’m weak. I want to be strong. I really do. I want to fight for my mom.... I want to. But... I’m a seventeen year old girl, who can’t bring herself out of depression long enough to get a job, and help.
I just... I’m weak. After realizing I don’t have any one to go to, and cry to, and laugh with every day. I fell apart. I can’t do it on my own. I need some one to help me. I need... I need Michael. I need Sarah. I need Parker. I really need Dasha. I need some one... Truly, I’m stronger with some one there to tell me things will get better. I’m infinitely stronger when I have my loved ones right there...
If I had just one person. One face that I saw every day. One person that I laughed with every day... On e person. I think. I’d be ok.
And its horrible that its like that. Its truly horrible that I can’t do it with out a little shove from a friend... But... Heh. She’s sick. And dad’s not here to take care of her. To see to her everyday. And I... I hate that. I’m trying to take care of her, by staying home all day, and watching movies with her. Just... Just to make sure she’s ok. And in all reality, that’s only furthering my depression. I should be out there, working. I should be helping out more. But... I’m scared to leave her alone while dad is gone... I’m scared beyond all belief.
I should just shut-up, and practice what I preach. But...
I’m losing my hope guys.
If...
I just... I need some one to tell me its going to be all right. I need some one to hold me close, and tell me its going to be ok. I need some one to whisper to me that I don’t need to worry. That I don’t need cry. That there’s no need to be so frightened I can’t move. I need some one to tell me to breathe. Then, I think. With a little help, I could pick myself up.
And go...
I just want this year to end.
I don’t want to look back on it.
I don’t want to remember most of it.
I want a new year, and new beginnings.
Sure, there were a few moments, and a couple days that are worth remembering. There were late night conversations that made it all melt away. There were times that are still worth smiling about. But on a whole. I really, really, just want this year to say good-bye, and give in to 2008.
I must sound like a depressed idiot huh? Well, I suppose the fact of the matter is, I am depressed. That’s all there is to it. And I hate it... I hate the fact that I can’t pull myself out of it. I hate myself for worrying my parents. I hate this ******** town. I hate the ******** idiots who refuse to open their eyes, and see that everything, is not perfect.
Heh. This year... This year has been extremely hard on my family. I don’t think I’ll go far into it. The vague details is all any one needs right...?
Where to start...?? Well, money. It makes the world go round right? Well, we don’t have it. It’s as simple as that. My dad’s working in Lake City, but really, its doing us no good. First off, he’s still not making enough to pay the bills, and the mortgage. Much less get groceries, or take mom to the hospital. We’ve been in foreclosure one to many times this year. We went with out the gas for nearly two months during the fall, and have come close to losing everything several times .The cost of living is just to high... Secondly, my dad is camping. In Lake City. In the winter. He’s lost an unhealthy amount of weight, and is sleeping in the car at night. Coming home a couple weeks ago, he totaled the truck, after hitting an ice patch at the high speed of thirty miles per hour. You have no idea how scared I was that night after hearing he wrecked...
My family refuses to help us. My dad’s family believes my mother is lying about being sick, and blames her for all our problems, and my mom’s dad despised my dad, and believes his refusal to get a job here is the cause for all our problems. So, instead of making sure we’re ok, and helping us out a little more, they place the blame where none of it belongs. That’s a big help, neh?
Speaking of my mother being sick.. She’s gotten worse. Much worse... The fact of the matter is, she can hardly function right any more. Its one thing after another, and its really taking its toll on her. We don’t know what’s wrong with her now... And I’m scared. Dad says, if something doesn’t change soon, she’ll... Well, do I really need to say it? We can’t afford to take her to the hospital, and tell the doctors to fix it. We’re poor. We’re not in that coveted high class, that seems to rule our country. Oh no. We’re scum, because we can’t afford health insurance. Even if we could, at this point, that might not help. No one seems to care that my mother, Kathryn Margaret Kienle, a woman who has fought to live, and survive since she was fifteen years old, a woman who raised four children, who fought many battles, and who is one of the best, and most amazing people on the face of this earth, is ******** dying. Anywhere between two, and ten years, she could simply fade away... And no one cares. She’s my mom! She’s the woman who raised me to fight. And she can’t fight for herself any more... she’s to weak. And my dad... He’s trying to fight for her, he really is... But... When a man is working himself to death, and earning barely enough money to keep a roof over his family’s head, how is he supposed to fight much else? And me...? I’m weak. I want to be strong. I really do. I want to fight for my mom.... I want to. But... I’m a seventeen year old girl, who can’t bring herself out of depression long enough to get a job, and help.
I just... I’m weak. After realizing I don’t have any one to go to, and cry to, and laugh with every day. I fell apart. I can’t do it on my own. I need some one to help me. I need... I need Michael. I need Sarah. I need Parker. I really need Dasha. I need some one... Truly, I’m stronger with some one there to tell me things will get better. I’m infinitely stronger when I have my loved ones right there...
If I had just one person. One face that I saw every day. One person that I laughed with every day... On e person. I think. I’d be ok.
And its horrible that its like that. Its truly horrible that I can’t do it with out a little shove from a friend... But... Heh. She’s sick. And dad’s not here to take care of her. To see to her everyday. And I... I hate that. I’m trying to take care of her, by staying home all day, and watching movies with her. Just... Just to make sure she’s ok. And in all reality, that’s only furthering my depression. I should be out there, working. I should be helping out more. But... I’m scared to leave her alone while dad is gone... I’m scared beyond all belief.
I should just shut-up, and practice what I preach. But...
I’m losing my hope guys.
If...
I just... I need some one to tell me its going to be all right. I need some one to hold me close, and tell me its going to be ok. I need some one to whisper to me that I don’t need to worry. That I don’t need cry. That there’s no need to be so frightened I can’t move. I need some one to tell me to breathe. Then, I think. With a little help, I could pick myself up.
And go...
