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Neko's Art Commisions
Pricing information and order placement.
XXXVI ~*Crying out for help*~
The original title was just going to be crying, but then I felt that was too lame. In fact, the entirety of this entry is going to be lame, but I just kida wanna talk to myself.

Sometimes, actually often as of late, I find myself wanting to cry. I'm not entirely sure why, but it happens at mostly random times. For instance, it happened last night while I was at my grandparents house for christmas, we were watching this movie called Deck the Halls, for some reason I just felt like crying, and I honestly thought I was going to cry. I don't know why, I just felt like crying. Even though I feel like crying, I never actually do, because I just can't.

Even just now, I was upstairs locked away in my room by myself watching a movie, and there was a mildly sad thing, because yes, anything mildly depressing in movies is often a trigger, and I started crying. But, it was really crying, it was more so just a watering of the eyes, maybe just enough to produce one tear. After the initial feeling it generally goes away, so my eyes watered and then it stopped. I suppose I just realize how completely ridiculous I'm being and realize I needn't cry over nothing.

The thing is, I really want to cry. I want to have a total purgence of emotion. I want to lock myself in my room and cry until I feel sick; cry until my pillow is soaked and stained with my mourning; cry until I feel better and find no more need to cry. The root of all this, the despicable root, I don't even want to think of it as the cause of all this suffering, but I can never find a better reason as to why I would be in such a pit of despair.

I want to get over it, get over him, I really do. I know I'm being redundant and I constantly dwell on the same things, so shut the ******** up cause I don't want to hear it from you. I really don't care what you think of me because it only matters what I think of me and how stupid I think I am. I know I'm being stupid, and it's irrational, but I can't help it. Why can't I get over him? Why do I want him to like me so much? Why can't I accept the fact that he's not going to return my feelings ever again because I had my chance and I blew it, or other wise it's just never going to work.

Christmas time is buzzing in my skull
Will it let me be? I cannot tell
There are so many things I cannot grasp
When I think I've got it, and then at last
Through my bony fingers it does slip
Like a snowflake in a fiery grip

Something's here I'm not quite getting
Though I try, I keep forgetting
Like a memory long since past
Here in an instant, gone in a flash
What does it mean?
What does it mean?

In these little bric-a-brac
A secret's waiting to be cracked
These dolls and toys confuse me so
Confound it all, I love it though

Simple objects, nothing more
But something's hidden through a door
Though I do not have the key
Something's there I cannot see
What does it mean?
What does it mean?
What does it mean?

I've read these Christmas books so many times
I know the stories and I know the rhymes
I know the Christmas carols all by heart
My skull's so full, it's tearing me apart
As often as I've read them, something's wrong
So hard to put my bony finger on

Or perhaps it's really not as deep
As I've been led to think
Am I trying much too hard?
Of course! I've been too close to see
The answer's right in front of me
Right in front of me

It's simple really, very clear
Like music drifting in the air
Invisible, but everywhere
Just because I cannot see it
Doesn't mean I can't believe it

You know, I think this Christmas thing
It's not as tricky as it seems
And why should they have all the fun?
It should belong to anyone

Not anyone, in fact, but me
Why, I could make a Christmas tree
And there's no reason I can find
I couldn't handle Christmas time

I bet I could improve it too
And that's exactly what I'll do
Eureka! I've got it

While writing, the lyrics randomly popped into my head, so I looked them up and underlined all the parts that may apply to my situation. Anyway, he's mad at me and doesn't want to speak to me, he may have even blocked me on AIM. It's rather upsetting, and i want to call him but it's a tad bit late for that and what I dread more than anything is being a nuisance to him. I don't want him to hate me anymore than he already does, but maybe that's what I ought aim for. How can I ever expect myself to get over any of this if I'm always trying to keep him close to me.

Well, I suppose I'll let life run it's course. I promised Tay I would bring him cookies after christmas, and saru wants to go see Dani. So we'll go over there to deliver cookies and visit. I wonder if he'll ignore that I'm there or if he'll speak to me at all. My god, I would love it if he didn't ignore me. I'm so pathetic, yes I am. That's ok though, I'll be pathetic. And I want to get him something for christmas, maybe in the hopes that he won't hate me anymore, but there's really no need for me to get him anything if he wants nothing to do with me. Plus, I can only think to buy him a knife, and I can't do that because, well, not of age to buy one.

Still, I don't know why I can't get over him, I suppose it's because I never had the chance to. He left me before I was over him, so I'm left with the longing and the unfinishedness of it all, but that's just silly. I..don't know anymore. I know he's not going to change his mind or anything, but I can't help but hope he will. Imadine if he actually read these, not like he would, it would be so mortifying and I would just make myself look even more pathetic than I already look. He's just so understanding and easy to talk to, so I don't want to just let something like that go, I really don't. It's so hard for me to actually find someone I can talk to and be completely honest with, especially a guy. I'm just so comfortable with him and I don't want to lose that. He always pushed me to do what I wanted but was always too afraid to do, why the hell couldn't I find some one else like that. Why does everyone have to suck so bad, it's depressing.

I'm supposed to be happy, it's christmas, but I suppose I'll just keep feigning this happiness so no one thinks that anythings wrong. My rantedness complaining is done, and I love how I can type without looking at the keys or the screen, it's nice, I was practically sleeping on my knees while typing the paragraph above.

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