Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

 
 

View User's Journal

Ixak's Personal Log
I write some of my..... private thoughts in here. I would advise everyone not to read this, if you don't want to get annoyed by what I think of you.
Is it possible... ?
I don't even know what I'm thinking anymore. I try to keep my eyes on everyone and know at least what is going on, but my thoughts have been running wild lately, and I have no idea what else to think. I wonder... though I am a nobody, I still feel the pang of emotions that comes from a heart. Is it possible to still have a heart even if one is a nobody. I doubt it, but there is something unusual going on.

I dont really know what it is, but I feel, lately as if.... I'm not sure, but.... things are so strange lately. I am an empath, which allows me some sense of mind in knowing what others are thinking before they even say anything to me at all, but I try not to use my power that way. In fact, I do my best not to use it at all, and yet, sometimes it is impossible not to use that forbidden power that I have been cursed in having.

A nobody with the ability to feel the emotions of others is a burden, and I feel that I have a lost purpose fighting amongst my comrades in the Organization. And the whole idea of Marluxia and Zexion still being alive. I dont see how Xendraw and Sinxprato can still be so mad at them when it has been well over fifty years since what last happened between them. What is the point in still being mad at them and trying to destroy them when they could be a greater help to our cause.

And then there is that nobody, Yaxas, whose emotions are not even used, not even a glimmer I could feel from her. I nearly was driven insane by her overwhelming power, and yet... somehow, feeling her lack of emotion left me in a state of utter confusion. I don't know anymore... but the fact that I have a separat spirit living inside me, this demon that possessed my body upon turning into a nobody.... is it possible... that I still have a heart of my own? Even if it is the heart of a demon and not my own true emotion, is it even possible?

And yet, the thought that I may still have a heart of my own, my chances of keeping this hidden heart for long are very slim with all the heartless around. I don't see how it is truly possible to be what I am. I am not truly a nobody, and I am not truly a somebody, but I am trapped in a state of mind that is somewhere in between both worlds. I can only wonder and hope that all that we are fighting for will not be lost.

If only my mind were thinking more clearly, I might be able to figure this out sooner. I must not stay forever in thinking this, but it is hard to me to think in any other form. My mind is reeling and also, this wole dark being that my father has become, is he a heartless, or is he something merely formed of darkness. I still must learn the truth about what he has become, but there are so many things on my mind lately that I dont.... I cant say what truly begets my mind....

Am I even meant to be here? Is it meant to be that I am trapped in my thoughts and that I am almost a being of both worlds? Why must it be this way, and what... if anything, why is this happening to me...? I was never a bad kid, I had always listened to my father, even if I had hated him... but.... this curse must be ended, but I dont know what to do about it... I will not kill myself, and I cant just leave.... I dont mean to seem like I'm going to walk out, but.... there are times when one must deal with things by themself.... I must try to do this myself.... I must learn the truth..... If I dont I may go mad, and I may lose my sanity to the demon within... I cannot afford to let that happen. Not after all this time.....





[Ixak]
Community Member
[Ixak]
Prev | Next»
Archive | Home

  • [11/24/07 12:40am]
  • [08/02/07 03:41am]
  • [04/03/07 09:37pm]
  •  
     
    Manage Your Items
    Other Stuff
    Get GCash
    Offers
    Get Items
    More Items
    Where Everyone Hangs Out
    Other Community Areas
    Virtual Spaces
    Fun Stuff
    Gaia's Games
    Mini-Games
    Play with GCash
    Play with Platinum